No matter how old...

I got a phone call today...Well, I got the phone call last night and returned it this afternoon. It was my Grandma Crabtree. One thing I think all of you should know is, I love my family more than anything. So, when I found out why my Grandma called me I was truly touched. She said she was proud of me, which to me is the highest honor anyone could ever give me.

Let me take you back a little before I tell you exactly what she told me on the phone...

Lately something has been weighing on my heart. I have really been thinking of New Beginnings and where I want it to go, the things I want to do with it, and what I want it to really stand for. When I first started it I was in a very different part of my life. I was still very bitter at how young I was and being a widow. I concentrated so much on my youth and felt no one older than me could REALLY understand what I was feeling. So that is why I wanted my support groups and foundation to focus mainly on Young Widows and Widowers.

However, as time has passed and I have seen so many widows and widowers of all different ages connect and inspire each other I am starting to see that we all can relate on some level no matter where we are in life's journey.

So, the phone call...My Grandma had spoken to my Aunt Kay over the weekend. My Aunt Kay lost my Uncle this past June and she had said that she had been on my Facebook Page New Beginnings. I had absolutely no idea that she even knew about my Facebook Page, but I was excited when I had heard she knew about it. She told my Grandma how much it has helped her and even though she wasn't a "Young" widow that I had helped her so much through these past few months and it has spoken to her in so many ways. That is when my Grandma told me she was proud of me.

The whole reason I started the FB page and the foundation was to help others, inspire people, connect, and to make sure no widow/widower felt alone. I was touched when I found out that I have helped out a family member. Like I said before, I love my family, every single part of it. So to know I helped her, well, there are no words. It reminded me, once again, why I do what I do, but it also reminded me that young or young at heart, we (widows/widowers) all come from a common place, the loss of a loved one.

With that being said, I feel as if God is calling me to open the umbrella and remove the "Young" from the foundation's name. I will still have specific support groups for Young Widows and Widowers but will also have support groups for all ages.

Christmas Wrapping

Christmas shopping for me this year has had a very different feeling than it has had the past three years. This year I actually have some Christmas cheer. I want to listen to the songs on the radio that talk about sleigh rides and rockin' around the Christmas Tree. I walk through the stores with a smile on my face and have patience for those on the roads that seem to be in such a hurry to get from store to store. Although, there seems to be a bit of sadness, the weight in my heart has definitely lifted.

You see, something came to me as I was wrapping my sons gifts this year. As I carefully taped the wrapping, delicately placed the bow, and signed the tag I was able to write something I never dreamed of writing ever again..."From: Mommy & Daddy". I was filled with a combination of peace and nostalgia. Peace because my son has someone to call "Daddy" again and on Christmas morning I won't be the only one excited to see the excitement in Brandon's eyes while he opens his gifts from Santa. Nostalgia, well, I was thinking of his father. I remember how excited he was on Brandon's first Christmas even though he was only a few weeks old. He talked about all the Christmases to come and how happy he was to be a father and how much he loved Brandon. He truly adored him. I was also thinking of all the Christmases in the past. Brian use to always try to get that one present he knew I wasn't expecting and the joy on his face as I opened each gift was beautiful. On our first Christmas married, we couldn't wait to open our gifts, so we ended up opening all but one on Christmas Eve :) I think we did it just because we could. lol.

This year I get to actually have a "Merry" Christmas. I get to share in all the joys of Brandon waking up that morning and being so surprised at all the gifts Santa brought him. Most of all, I already received my Christmas gift that I have been asking for these past years...Love.

This year I ask one thing from all of my friends, loved ones, and strangers. I wish that everyone appreciates all the love in their life. If you have a husband/wife, cherish them, if you have kids share in the joy and the spirit of the time, and with your family share in the Christmas cheer. Lastly, remember what Christmas is all about. Our Lord and Saviours Birthday.

God Bless and Merry Christmas!

A friend like mine...

Last weekend I had the chance to spend some time with a good friend, Olivia, and do the Bike Run for Tots. It was the second time I had done it with her and it made me flash back to three years ago when I did it with her the first time as well as the two weeks prior.

See, my husband passed away the day before Thanksgiving. At the time I was still in school. Olivia and I only lived one street over from each other and we always rode to school with each other every morning. A week and a half after my husband passed I went back to school. Olivia insisted that she drove me that day and thank God she did. As we pulled up to school and parked in the parking lot I started crying. "I can't do this. I can't go in there. I don't want to be the girl who just lost her husband. Everyone is going to ask questions. I don't want to do it, I can't." Olivia, being the amazing friend that she is said, "Brooke you can do it. You are strong. I promise I will make sure no one asks you about it. I am here with you the whole entire way. And if you really feel like you can't do it, we will turn around and go straight back home. Just try." I really feel like it is because of all of the encouraging words she gave to me on a day to day basis was one of the main reasons why I was able to make it to school most of the time.

Olivia always tried to make sure I laughed or atleast smiled everyday and two weeks after my husband passed away she decided that I needed to do something fun and forget about things for a while. So she said I was going to do the Bike run with her wether I like it or not. The catch...instead of riding motorcycles like everyone else, we were going to ride scooters. Leave it to her to turn a fun thing into something more exciting. I don't think I had laughed that much on that day than I have in a long time and it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. Something about crowds of people cheering as they see the scooters come speeding (I use that term loosly) by, loader than for the motorcycles.

This year was no exception. Not only did we rent scooters again but we all dressed in tacky Christmas sweaters and I wore a goofy hat :)

The thing is she did stuff like this all the time. Always making sure she trhough a little spice in my life and because of that I am forever thankful for her.

So for Christmas I wish for all the widows and widowers out there to have a friend like Olivia that will lift their spirits and make them laugh the whole year. Hugs to all my widow friends and an extra tight hug to my friend Olivia. Thank you girl! Love you!

Wedding Anniversary

My five year wedding anniversary with my late husband would have been this past Friday, November 5. As horrible as the past few anniversaries had been, this one seemed to not be as bad. Then again, I am in a much different place. However, anniversaries sure do drum up a lot of memories and shattered dreams as well as wonder of what life would have been like if he had never passed.

Since I have an amazing husband now, he took me out to dinner for the occasion. Not only that, but it was the same restaurant that my late husband, Brian, took me to the night of our engagement. Funny thing was, the hostess sat us at the very same table Brian and I sat at that night. My now husband, Brian, said, "He is saying hi sweetie." Now some may think it is weird for my now husband to be taking me out for my 5 year wedding anniversary with my late husband, but since we both lost our spouses we both know that it isn't about being sad it is about celebrating what we had. May I say, there is a lot to be said about a man who can do that and not be the least bit jealous or feel inferior.

That night Brian and I talked about my relationship/marriage with late Brian. I laughed about some of the stories and in my mind realized how much things have changed and how much I have changed. One thing I realized. Besides a few stories and a toast I made in his memory, even though that night was about celebrating my marriage with my late husband, that evening was spent mostly thinking about how lucky I am to be where I am right now. Yes, what happened with my late husband was devastating and if I could have him here today I would, but my life has not only made a 180 but it has turned out to be a good 180. (Not that where I was before wasn't good. I loved my husband and the life we had)

Not only did my late husband inspire me when he was alive, but he has inspired me in his death as well. After I came out of the cloud of devastation and decided to go on with my life so many wonderful things have happened. I took full notice of who I was and decided on who I wanted to be. Wanting to always make a difference, I found that helping others through the loss of their loved one was how I was going to do that. That is how New Beginnings was born. I also decided to be a better person over all. I have recently been baptized and am a member of a wonderful Church. I try my hardest to be a better wife that I was before. Not that I wasn't a good wife, but I didn't appreciate fully what I had.

I truly am blessed in my life now. I have an amazing husband and son, not to mention that life has so many promises now and I am so excited about life and all of its journeys it will take me on. People always say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." How true that statement is for me and how great would the world be if everyone lived by that. Granted, we don't all have to be happy about the lemons, but without them we wouldn't know how great lemonade is...Does that make sense to anyone? In simpler words, without loss how can we appreciate the gain?

So let me make a toast....

To Brian. A wonderful husband, father, and friend. Although we didn't make it to our 5 year anniversary, you still inspire me to this day. You inspire me to help others and to be a good person. My only hope is that you are looking down on me and are proud that I was your wife and proud of all the accomplishments I have made before and after your passing. You will forever be in my heart. Love you.

Another Loss

When you go through a tragedy as big as say loosing your husband and father of your child you kind of in the back of your mind think or at least pray that you will never have to be faced with difficulties again, or at least for a long, long time. However, unfortunately such is not true. Sometimes people are faced with difficulties and tragedies more than once or twice.

After I met my now husband I finally thought that I was going to get my happily ever after. Why wouldn't I feel that way? My sister and my parents have theirs, what made me any less worthy. I am a good person, at least I strongly think I am, I go to church and truly try to live my life as a good christian, I love my husband, my son, and my family. I care about others and always try, sometimes too hard, to see the good in people and things. (My co-workers call it living in Brookeland)

So when my husband and I found out that we were pregnant we were so excited. Not only would it be our first child together, it would be my husbands first biological child. I couldn't wait to start to be able to see my little one growing in my belly and telling all my family and friends and celebrating a wonderful gift. Then when my body started changing a little, and my belly started peaking out a little I got even more excited. Since I am kind of scrony and it is my second pregnancy a little pooch showed soon. I even had to buy some new cloths since some of mine already weren't fitting.

Then I went for my first doctors appointment. I had some issues that had concerned me, but other women had told me they had those issues during their pregnancies and they were fine, so it gave me a little comfort. The doctor had some concerns so ordered blood work and an ultrasound. The doctor said at 6 weeks we should be able to see a heartbeat through the ultrasound and make sure everything was okay.

No heart beat.

I was upset but held it together because the ultrasound tech said I only measured at 5.5 weeks and it may be too soon...So on to the blood work once that day and another one 48 hours later to check my hormone levels. Friday I go the call from the doctor saying that my hormone levels had doubled but she had some concerns about the ultrasound and ordered another one for Monday.

Monday...no heartbeat and measured at 7.5 weeks, A two week jump in size in only a week.

Basically the baby was growing but not a viable pregnancy. There was no structure and most importantly no heartbeat. Since I wasn't miscarrying on my own I had surgery yesterday to have the baby removed (D&C).

It is so amazing how many emotions come along with loosing a child you never met. You almost feel like a failure and question everything you did or didn't do or even wonder if you are being punished for something you have done in your past.

I wanted a baby so badly. I finally felt like life was finally moving on for me and everything was going to be ok. But once again I am not okay. Why is it that people who have no business having children have babies every day but I wasn't able to have this one?

I know everything happens for a reason, and God only gives us what we handle...but seriously, can I get a vacation from things happening and God thinking I am so strong. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life like most of my friends and family sometimes.

I will say on a positive note. My husband has been amazing and so has my family and friends. Thank God for a strong support system.

I didn't plan on doing this alone.

As I look back after my husband passed away I remember how much I struggled with wanting to be both parents to my son. I believed in my heart that he deserved to have both parents not just one, so I tried having split personalities for a while...as you can imagine it didn't work out too well.

I ended up driving myself crazy and constantly feeling bad because I was always coming up short. It would get to the point that I would be so exhausted from trying to do it all that by the end of the day I was so impatient and short fused that I was constantly irritated by my son. Then after he went to bed I would cry myself to sleep because I wasn't patient enough and in my head was a bad mommy.

Then I think one day I just stopped trying so hard. I was just me. I was loving and patient and even though I didn't have the daddy voice that I was constantly told that I needed, I found my own ways of disciplining that worked for me and not someone I wasn't. After that I enjoyed my son so much more, we would go on walks together and laugh and bath time was about making things out of bubbles and sticking letters and numbers on the wall.

It was so hard holding all the weight of grieving and trying to be both parents. There is a reason it takes two people to have a child, because one person can't have it all. Granted I can do it on my own, but I am not a man nor will I ever be. I am a woman, a loving, caring, compassionate woman. I have learned to get my hands a little dirty like a man, but I will never again try to play a man's role as a father. I am me, no one else, and I am pretty darn good at being me too :)

Today is the day...

Today is the day.

It is the day that I will walk into the waters with sin, a broken heart, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, and hate. I will walk into the waters with all of my mistakes and with all of my achievements. I will walk in knowing that when I walk out I will be changed.

Today is the day that I will have the chance to show the world the commitment that I have made on the inside. I will rise out of the waters with strength, courage, love, cleansed of my hate and selfishness, envy and jealousy. I will have asked for forgiveness of all of my mistakes. I will walk out wiser, learning from my failures and continuing on with my achievements.

Today I know all the wrongs I have made in my life, but in a few hours that life will have been washed away.

Since this is a blog that I have created as a widow and for widows and widowers you might ask how this has anything to do with the fact that I lost my husband and the despair I was faced with. I will answer with this, it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I am a widow. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that my life was rocked in ways unimaginable.

When my husband passed away I felt alone in more ways than I can describe. I was so angry with God asking him how he could do this to our son, to me, to his mother and father, to his sisters, and to his wonderful friends. How he could take such an important person from my life and leave me to pick up the pieces alone. I cursed God and I questioned his powers. I was done with him and I could do without.

Man, did God prove me wrong. Even though I didn't see it at the time, he helped me pick up the pieces. He did it silently, but his presence was strong. He kept me safe from more despair knowing that I had met my limits. He prepped me before my husbands death and held me after. I didn't see him beside me because I didn't want to know him at that time.

I had a good friend whose faith was strong but never pushed it on me. However she did always tell me this. "It is okay to be angry with God. He expects it, if he didn't, he would have never created the emotion. He can handle whatever you throw at him. No matter what, he will be there. He is with you now, and will be there for you when you are ready." She said this to me on many occasions, especially when I asked her how she could have so much faith after God had taken her husband and the father of her daughter and her unborn son.

Now, almost three years later, I still don't understand why God had to take my dear husband from me and our son. However, I can see how he was there for me. Keeping me from buying a house that in a few months flooded from a hurricane, how he told me to go back to school before my husband passed, how he gave me hope through my son's eyes.

Now I can see him and all his glory. I didn't see it then, but now I see how beautiful his mercy is.

Today is the day that I get baptized.

The day draws near

As the first day of my support group draws nearer, I am faced with a whole lot of fears and feelings. I have been going to training classes for the past three weeks and it has made me realize how much responsibility I have taken on. Don't get me wrong, I am completely up for the challenge and am so excited about everything that has been happening these past 9 months. However, I have so many doubts and fears and I just pray that I am able to support and inspire people the way they need to be.

One good thing I have learned from all of my training an experiences leading up to now is that I am doing something I was called to do. My efforts are not selfish, they are pure. My only want is to give people hope and support. Even if it is only one person, then I have accomplished my goal. Would I LOVE to touch all the widows and widowers out there, of course, but only because I don't want them to feel alone. I have been so blessed to be touched by so many different people for so many different ways that I just want to share and spread the blessings.

Something About A Widow

There is something about being a widow that changes you from the core forever. Even if you do remarry you still feel as if you still have the title.

The whole experience is life changing, no doubt. The whole world is suddenly thrusted on your shoulders and you struggle to stand. Then one day you realize the load doesn't feel so heavy on your shoulders, although it still weighs on your heart. I am not sure the weight on your heart ever really lightens. Then, everyday life is easier to get through and before you know it, it has almost been three years and you are remarried and your son calls someone else daddy.

Although I am now a Mrs. again, I feel as if I hold two titles and not one. My experiences as a widow have made me so much stronger and so much more self-sufficient. Which at times can be a catalyst for disagreements with my now spouse. "I can do it all by myself, I don't need help. I did it for almost two years just fine." One of my favorite lines. The reality of it is, I don't have to do it all by myself anymore and I have to let go and share the pants in the relationship.

It is so hard though. It is hard to let go of all the choices being yours, and not having to consult anyone. Which is funny because not having someone to help me with decisions was one thing I mostly struggled with when I first lost my husband.

When I think of myself the song, "I am Superwoman" by Alicia Keys comes to mind. That is who I had to be for so long, but now it is time to hang up the cape. Well, maybe I can turn it into a cute dress instead :)

Dare

I have dared to believe that there is more out there in the world for me. That tragedy wasn't going to be the last page in my book. That my heart would know what true love felt like again. As daring as that might have seemed two, almost three, years ago, today it feels all too possible.

As fantastic as it is that tragedy wasn't my last page, I still feels as if I am in a surreal dream at times. My life is so different than it was or how I thought it was going to be before my husband passed away. I watch videos and look at pictures and that life feels like a distant memory. I can't help but feel sad sometimes to think of it all. My late husband and I had a wonderful life and I may never know why it all had to end.

People to this day tell me how strong I am and that they just don't feel as if they could have risen to the occasion like I did. As proud as I should be, I am not. I feel like it was my duty as a mother to do what I did. I don't feel I ever woke up in the morning because I wanted to, it was more because I had to. I realized that life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but tried my best to make my son feel like it was.

If I am going to be honest, I hated every second of it. I hated waking up and having to get out of bed. I hated putting on my happy face just so everyone would stop feeling so sorry for me. I hated feeling so lonely that I could literally feel my heart tearing to shreds in my chest. Most of all, I hated the fact that my late husband wouldn't get the chance to be a wonderful father to our son longer and that our son would never really know his father. My heart still breaks a little to think of it now.

Today I am struggling with how I felt about my life then and my late husband and how I feel now with my new life and my new husband. I would be lieing to say I never compare the two, especially since the two lives are so very different from each other. I don't compare to judge. I compare to see how much things can change. How you can love two very different people the same. How a father and a man who has become a father can love the same little boy just as much as the other person.

I guess my struggle is that I loved my husband so much and the life we had that I feel guilty for loving my now husband so much and the life that we have. My husband now is so amazing and his struggles in life alone have made him such an amazing friend, lover, and father. We have such a common ground and understanding for each other that is unexplainable.

I dared to dream. Lucky for me all of my dreams are still coming true. They might not be exactly how I pictured them, but they are happening right before my eyes. I have an amazing husband, a son I adore, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence :) As hard as it may be for me to believe sometimes, I am happy again. Happy is good especially after so much hurt.

So I guess what I am saying is, dare to dream. Dare to believe that through the dirt and the rubble lay greener pastures ahead. Because one day you will sit there like I am sitting here right now in amazement that all your dreams and hopes did come true.

Now I just need to learn to let the happiness sit comfortably :)

Father's Day

As I looked at my son this morning I couldn't help but thank God for how he has blessed our lives with my now husband, Brian. These passed 2 and a half years have been hard, especially when I thought of my son not having a father.

When my late husband, Brian, was alive he would talk about all the things he was going to do with him. He couldn't wait to take him fishing for the first time, teach him how to catch a ball, teach him how to play different sports, go on his first camping trip, and take him kayaking in the river. He was so encouraging and was Brandon's biggest fan, well next to me that is. :) He took tons of videos of him and would light up when he would say "da da" or do something for the first time. Brandon and I use to greet him by the door most days when he got home from work and Brian couldn't wait to have him in his arms.

Even though my son got plenty of love and affection from me these past two years, he was missing a very important part in his life. Part of me thinks he knew it, and part of me hoped he didn't.

I was scared at first of doing it all on my own. How on earth can I teach him how to do all of the things his father so badly wanted to teach him? Was I able to take him to do the things that his father dreamed of doing with him? Then I was angry that my son was deprived that experience, besides he was one week away from his first birthday when my husband, his father passed away suddenly. Finally I accepted it all. I figured if it was just me, then I had to rise to the challenge and be both of us wrapped up in one. Granted I had tons of help from family members and friends, but at the end of the day it was just me and my little man.

This year though is different. This year Brandon and I have an amazing man who came into our lives when we least expected it and became an important piece in our family. My now husband, Brian, is Brandon's Daddy. He loves him as if he was his own...and today was his first Father's Day.

I made him breakfast, he opened his gift from Brandon, we went to church, had lunch with friends, and then had a wonderful evening with my sister and her family. It was the way Father's Day should be and I finally have that again. Then that evening my husband and I sat down with Brandon and looked at pictures and videos of my late husband and we talked about how much he loves Brandon and what a great father he was. It truly was a wonderful moment. I am truly blessed to have a man in my life who isn't intimidated by the memory of my late husband and wants my son to know who he was and how much he loved and still loves him.

This Father's Day I celebrate the wonderful father my late husband was and the wonderful father my now husband is. Brandon and I have been blessed with two amazing men. God Bless the both of them.

The Wedding Dress

So I have to admit...getting rid of material things has been the hardest thing for me of the moving on process. It took my now husband moving in for me to finally get rid of all of his clothes. Plus, a few nights of sorting through other material things until I was finally left with a memory box and...my wedding dress.

I just recently remarried...two weeks ago to be exact. My photographer/friend had asked me if I wanted to do a trash the dress session with her. I told her that I just could never trash my wedding dress...and then Brian chimed in, "You could do a trash the dress with your old wedding dress."

My heart sunk into my stomach. "No! I can't do that."

Then the long discussion began between the two of us of why I couldn't get rid of my old wedding dress. "It's not like our daughter, if we have one, is ever going to wear it." Brian said.

I guess I thought he would understand, besides, he lost his spouse too. Even though I knew people grieved differently and held on to different things, I guess I just assumed he would agree with me. That was not the case.

A wedding dress to me is a symbol of who I was at that time and how much I loved him. I was so innocent and naive. The world revolved around him. He was all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in one man. I dreamed of one day our daughter wearing it on her wedding day as most girls do I am sure. It was so perfect in every way. Unfortunately, most of those hopes and dreams died right along with him, the world stopped turning, and I knew I would never have a daughter that would wear that dress.

Now I have a new wedding dress that I wore on our special day. New hopes and dreams have been made and the sun sets and rises with a new man. My new wedding dress is reminiscent of the woman I am now. Strong, sophisticated, not so naive, but also delicate and soft.

So why do I have such a hard time letting go? To me, it really is the last thing I have been holding on to that I probably should let go of. Thinking of getting rid of it really solidifies everything that has happened these past two and a half years. You know what, sometimes that is hard to swallow. It is hard to let go of that innocence and beauty.

I know that in no way me letting go of that dress means that I have forgotten about our love and what an amazing father and husband he was. I can still see his smile plain as day and his laugh as if he was still here. By no means does me "trashing the dress" mean I am trashing what we had...besides, women do a "trash the dress" all the time for fun and to wear the dress one last time while their husbands are alive.

Hopefully one day this lump in my throat will be gone when I think of getting rid of it, but for now...

I love my now husband with all of my heart and I never want to make him feel like I haven't let go of my life with my late husband...because I have. I also never want him to feel like no.2 when he is so no. 1 in my life. I guess letting go of that dress should probably be easier for me, especially considering where I am in my life right now, but for some reason it is just hard to think of I guess.
____________________________________________________________________

You know what is weird...after just proof-reading everything I just wrote, I think I might be able to let go. Maybe I just needed to get that all out there. Even though it might be hard, wearing it one last time for a "trash the dress" session might be fun and therapeutic. We will see.

Just say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I must say, I am a much different person now than I was before my husband passed away. I have way more faith in my abilities than I ever use to and well, I just feel like I am a better person. Granted I am not too fond of the person I was right after Brian passed away, but after a year I'd say I had grown.

One thing I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore is complain too much. I was actually complaining when my husband dropped unexpectedly. However, I find myself getting back into the same old routine of complaining about meaningless (well not completely) stuff. I am getting married again soon and the last thing I want to be is a nagging wife again. I am not saying I complained all the time, I just STRESSED OUT about everything. Everything had to be perfect.

I guess it is easier to say you won't complain when you don't have a spouse to complain to. I need to relax. I need to get back to the place where I know I can't control everything. I need to remember that not everyone in this world is nice and has good intentions...and breathhhhhh.

I know I have a lot going on in my life right now, and lets face it planning a wedding is more stressful than we would like to admit sometimes. But, I don't ever want to take the chance of the last words someone hears coming out of my mouth are those words of complaint. I don't ever want to feel like I didn't get to say "I love you" or "You are amazing" or "Thank you".

I want so badly to be a wonderful wife and mother. I just hope I can get back to not stressing out so much and enjoy what I have while I have it.

As my sister would put it..."Just say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day where the Mother gets showered with love and appreciation and a little gift to show we care. It is a day that moms all over look forward to.

To me, Mother's Day has a different feeling. I only got to celebrate one Mother's Day where my husband showed his appreciation for all that I do and a gift from our then 5 1/2 month old son.

Since my husband passed away one week shy from our son's first birthday the past two Mother's Day brought on different feeling than appreciation and happiness.

Don't get me wrong. I love my son with all of my heart and having him in my life was my saving grace. He is and always will be my angel. However, when your spouse isn't around to make you breakfast in bed, have a card and flowers waiting for you, or just the sweet sound of him saying "Happy Mother's Day" to you when you open your eyes, Mother's Day tends to be bittersweet.

The past two years I would of course spend the day doing something special with my little man, but I always wondered what it would have been like if my husband was still here. What would he of planned? Would he have forgotten as some men do :) ? I tried to recall my one and only Mother's Day with him still here and it seems like a faint memory. We took Brandon to my Mom and Dad's house for his first pool experience. I remember he wasn't too sure about it at first, but once we put him in a floaty he was in heaven :) I had such a great day that day, the best first Mother's Day ever.

This year I had someone to spend it with. Someone my son sees as his Daddy. They went off and shopped for a gift for me together and everything. What made this year special was that I felt like a family again, which probably is the best Mother's Day gift anyone could ever give me. The only person I have to thank for that is God.

So this year I feel blessed and thankful for the life and family I have. Although I will never forget the wonderful memory of what a great husband Brian was and how special he made me feel as a Mother, I look forward to many more years of celebration with my soon to be hubby and my son :)

Moving on...

Moving on is probably one of the hardest things about being a widow. So much goes through your mind. Will people think I don't love him anymore? Will he approve of who I date or fall in love with? Am I making the right decisions for our son?

As I started to slip on my wedding dress for my first fitting, the past 2 and a half years started to flash before my eyes. The day it happened. The hurt. The tears. The days of going completely insane. The legalities. The therapy sessions. The anger. The numbness. The hopelessness. The fear. Then I thought, I can't believe in one month I will be marrying again. A sense of fear then washed over me. What if I lose this husband too? How would I make it through it again? How would I be able to explain to Brandon that he lost two daddy's?

I still think of my late husband and what our life would have been like. It is hard not too, especially when you are planning to marry someone new. I think of it sometimes with guilt knowing that the life I have with my fiance is amazing and I shouldn't be wondering about all the what ifs.

Moving on is so hard because you have to let your guard down again. You have to chip away at the wall that you put up to protect yourself from anymore heartache. You have to learn how to be okay with letting someone else into your life that is not your husband. You have to come to the realization that they would want you to find love again and be happy. The hardest thing is coming to grips that you have fallen in love again, and that someone else has captured your heart just as your late husband did.

One thing that I know, if you can love your children just the same and have enough room in your heart for all of them...then you must have room in your heart for a spouse who has passed and a new love in your life. You don't stop loving them, you just love more.

So in one month I will be Mrs. Brooke Nates. As scared as I am about all the what ifs, I am also so excited about all the plans we are making and the future that we will have.

Anniversary

Friday night was a special night. It was my fiance's, Brian, wedding anniversary with his late wife, Rachel. They would have been married five years.

Most people make plans for their five years. How many kids they might have, if they want kids, a trip they might take, or a special ritual they might due. The five year mark is a pretty special one. So, for Brian I planned a special evening for him.

Brian and Rachel had a special bottle of wine that they purchased in Napa Valley on vacation one year. This particular bottle of wine matured on the same year as their 5 year wedding anniversary. They planned to go on a special trip back to Jamaica where they had their honeymoon and take the bottle of wine with them to share on the exact day of their anniversary.

So I decided to take Brian out to dinner to Rachel's favorite restaurant, Amici's, and bring the bottle of wine with us. Brian ordered Rachel's favorite dish, which I thought was sweet. While we were talking I realized that nothing but Michael Bubble was playing, which Rachel LOVED him. I made the observation to Brian, and he said, "If the next song is "Home", then I know she is here with us." Believe it or not, the next song that came on was "Home". She was with us and I am so glad she was. I know that to Brian it meant a lot to know she was with him on their special day.

It was such a nice dinner. Brian shared with me some of their hopes and dreams. We talked about some of the things they did and then...we talked about our future. What was great about that evening is that we could share the past with eachother and dream of our future.

So, here is to you Rachel and Brian. You had some amazing and crazy memories that you made together. They will always be remembered along with your love.

Something that annoyed me most

I was just thinking about my first date with my fiance.

One thing that pops into my head every now and again that makes me smile is a conversation we had while walking on the beach.

Background Information: My finace is also a widowers for those of you who didn't know.

We were walking on the beach talking about our lives since our spouses died and then things we remembered fondly about them. It was such a great conversation.

Than I asked Brian, "What is something that just annoyed the crap out of you about her?" Both of us started laughing histerically. He then told me about how she use to wait until he sat down to ask him to get up and get things for her. He said it use to make him so mad.

Then of course the question was back in my court. My husband use to take his socks off at the end of every day while sitting on the couch. Somehow or another the socks ended up pushed under the couch. After a few days of doing this he eventually would ask me where all of his socks were. After a while I knew to look under the couch, but it drived me up the wall.

I laugh about it now about how mad at him I use to get. It is funny how when someone dies you tend to just talk about the things that you loved about them or the great things they did, but we never talk about their flaws. I guess it is just considered bad taste to talk about the dead that way, but it makes me laugh.

There are so many things I loved about my husband, but nothing makes me laugh more than the things that he use to do that bugged me. I even miss those things sometimes :)

The Day

A little over two years ago on November 21, 2007, the day before Thanksgiving, my husband of two years and the father of our soon to be 1 year old son died suddenly.

I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. I can remember how stressed I was that day. I was hosting my very first Thanksgiving Day dinner, all of Brian's family was in town, I was putting the finishing touches on Brandon's first birthday party that we were having at the house that Saturday, and to top it all off I was going to school full time and had to get a job because money was tight. My plate was full.

However on that morning after Brian got back from his jog we were going to take Brandon to the zoo for the first time. It was a beautiful day.

After Brian got back from his jog we were talking in the bedroom. I was laying on the bed complaining about how stressed I was because I had so much to do and I had to work that night. I was complaining about Brandon's birthday party and how hardly anyone was going to be there since it was the weekend after Thanksgiving and most of our friends were out of town.

I will never forget what Brian said to me when I was done ranting. "Everything is going to be okay Brooke. Don't worry everything will be fine." Those were the last words he spoke to me.

Two seconds later I heard the hangers pull in the closet and a loud bang.

I thought Brian tripped on my shoes and hit is head on the toliet. I thought that since he hit his head so hard he was having a siezure.

When I rolled him over and saw his eyes rolled into the back of his head and him gagging I ran to the phone and dialed 911. I screamed for help but it took forever for his parents to come in the room and it took an eternity for the ambulance to arrive.

I thought he was going to make it, but since they had such a hard time getting him stable I was terrified. I remember sitting on my bed and one of the EMT's talking to me. I grabbed his face, pulled it close to mine and told him, "He is my life, my rock, the father of my son. I can't lose him."

Once we got the the hospital he was announced. I first I threw my stuff at the doctor and yelled at him. Telling him to do more and that he wasn't dead...but he was.

I climbed into the hospital bed with him, wrapped his arms around me, and laid there with my head on his chest. Time stood still. I was waiting for him to wake up. Waiting to feel his chest rise to take a breath. Waiting for him to say something, anything. I told him not to leave me, he had a son that needed his daddy. I didn't want to leave him and I didn't for a long time.

When I left and walked outside I was blinded by the sun. I had forgotten what a beautiful day it was. I guess I expected it to be dark and gloomy or raining atleast. I walked like a zombie to my parent's car and starred off into the sky on the way home wondering what just happened.

I still sometimes feel as if it couldn't of happened, but it did.

I found out three weeks later he died of a massive heart attack. He had a congenital heart disease that we never knew about. So even though he was probably one of the most physically fit men I have ever met, his heart was not.

February 18, 2008 - Questioning

Sometimes I wonder, when does life finally let you settle into a good routine? Will I ever feel like I know where I am going and if where I am is a good place to be?I know life is filled with uncertainties but I pretty much had a good clue on what life was going to be or at least what I thought a year ago. Now I find myself questioning everything. It is driving me insane.

December 18, 2008 - Ring

So I have been telling myself and the guy I am dating that I am going to get my engagement ring cleaned and put it away for safe keeping. It seems though that everytime I go to do it I can't bring myself to do so. Today I picked up and couldnt help myself but put it on. I miss wearing it. It is soooooo beautiful, but not only that it has way too much meaning to me to just put it away. I know it isn't appropriate to be dating someone and still be wearing your ring, but it isn't like we got divorced and it isn't like I dont love Brian anymore. I dont want to hurt Tim's feelings by wearing it, but at the same time...am I hurting Brian's feelings by storing it away? I didn't know putting away a ring would be so hard. But then again I do still have Brian's clothes in the closet, which I haven't brought myself to get rid of either. How Tim puts up with all my baggage I have no idea.

December 14, 2008 - The Crew

So everyone has their crew. The people that you hang out with on a regular basis. I have a crew, well I have two separate ones I guess.

I have the crew which pretty much consists of couples that Brian and I did everything with. Watched football games on Sundays, BBQs, dinner parties, double dates. Pretty much anything you can think of.

Then the crew of my girls. You know the girlfriends that you hang out with every once in a while, go shopping with, gossip with, and you know you are always going to have a blast with them even if it is just a Sex in the City Marathon.

So both of my crews had christmas parties last night. I decided it would be perfect to bring tim with me so everyone can meet him. The first party we went to was the first crew I mentioned. I hate to admit it but it was very uncomfortable, for once in my life I felt like I didnt fit in. I have been feeling like that for a little while now. Since now I dont have Brian with me it is like I am not part of it all anymore. Yes I get invites and they ask me if I need anything, but when it comes down to the feeling I had when Brian was alive it isn't there.

Then the next party was the second crew I mentioned. They welcomed tim with open arms pretty much and we had a blast laughing and talking and people actually were genuily interested in him and us.

I have been thinking a lot about last night today. Especially since I saw one of my friends posted a picture of all of our friends...except me. Looking at it made me realize that maybe I am not really part of the crew anymore. What makes me feel that way even more than anything is the fact that my best friend is part of that crew and she hasn't been very welcoming to me dating...she says she is supportive but actions speek a whole lot louder than words.

It kind of makes you wonder where you really fit in. I know I have changed a lot since Brian has passed but it was all good changes. It made me grow up a lot. Which considering that group is pretty much people in their thirties I would consider that to work to my advantage. But without Brian I dont fit in I dont think, at least that is how I feel.

Maybe it is all in my head, I dont know. Maybe it is just wierd for me so it makes me think it is wierd for them. It just sucks because Tim is really a great guy and he makes me really happy. I know he would get along great with both crews but one seems to be a little more welcoming than the other. Maybe it will just take some time for them to warm up to seeing me with someone else. I know it is probably hard for them but I just hope they can imagine how hard it might be for me.

November 24, 2008 - Interest

So I can barely believe it myself but I have found someone of interest. I thought at first that the timing was off and I didn't need or want anything right now, especially with the anniversary of my husbands death and the holidays. But I am starting to think that maybe the timing is perfect, this being exactly what i needed right now. We met up for dinner about three weeks ago and the more we talk the more I find myself thinking he has true potential. He has experienced some simular events in his life so we can relate on a different level than I probably could anyone else. It is nice to feel this way, hopeful. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. The great thing is he totally understands my situation and I can talk freely about Brian. We have been very open and honest with each other laying all the cards on the table which is very refreshing. No games, which is exactly what I wanted. So, I guess I can say I am excited to see what is to come.

November 22, 2008 - Happy New Year

I can safely say that pretty much all of the world celebrates New Years on January 1st, but today I am celebrating my New Year. One year has passed since Brian was taken from this world and I can honestly say that I am relieved that it is over. I have been through so much this past year...lawyers, financial advisors, intersil hr, health insurance, the estate, learning more than I would ever want to know about the process of handling life after someone passes. I have had my fair share of really bad days and uplifting days. Luckily I was surrounded by my family who is the most supportive and loving family anyone can ask for and friends who truely know what it is to be a friend, hold me up and sometimes carrying me when I needed to be.

Now that all of that is said and done I have had the chance to reflect on my life as a whole, who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.

I realized that before Brian passed I was weak, I depended on him for almost everything...he was my rock. Every decision I made I passed by him since I was 18. I didnt appreciate the things I had in my life as much as I should have and took them for granted. I was nieve and at times childish.

Now I am much stronger. I am independant but not prideful. I know when to say when and when to push through. I know what I want in life and what I need to do to achieve it. I am a more patient mother. And most importantly I dont sweat the small stuff.

I have also realized that it is okay to be happy and move forward with my life. Not to forget what I went through this past year, what I didnt like about myself before Brian passed, and most importantly never ever forget Brian and the great love that we shared. I know I atleast deserve what we had in my next partner if not more.

Lastly I have forgiven God for taking Brian from me. My faith is something that I struggled with for a very long time after he took Brian from me. Now I am looking forward and realizing that God has given me the tools I needed to get through the hard times and has blessed me with a few unexpected events. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Why he needed Brian so soon, I dont know? But I do know that he couldnt have picked a better angel. He has also put people in my life that I needed more than I would have ever thought, and when I was in need of a sign he gave it to me. And he also gave me Brian although it was short lived, he loved me more than I ever thought possible by someone.

November 19, 2008 - Turn of Events

So in and interesting turn of events this month has turned out to be not so bad for me. Friday is the year anniversary and I dont feel anxious at all about it as I thought I would. I will be taking Brandon to the zoo for the first time since that is what we were getting ready to do on the day Brian passed. I thought it would be a good way to remember him and celebrate him. Some people think Im crazy because it will be hard, but i am starting to think I will be okay. It has been a year. On the 21st of every month I took it hard...but as each month went by it seemed to get easier. Dont get me wrong the 21st is still a hard day for me to cope with but I think I will be okay. I mean if I could get through this past year I can get through one day. I am just hoping I can keep this optomistic view through the rest of the holidays. I have had a few momentary flashbacks but nothing too tragic so I think I am doing good. I dont know I guess we will see :) But my head is being held high with a smile.

November 11, 2008 - Time

So...I think it is time. It is time to embrace life and stop holding back. This past year has been crazy and I have learned so much from it all. I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be and life is way too short to bitch about the small stuff. I have been shown recently that I have more to live for and more to give. Just because my husband died doesnt mean my life has too end as well. My life with him however I need to let go of, I will always cherish him, our life & time together, and his memory, but it is time for me to start making new memories. I deserve to be happy and Brian always told me that. SO instead of dreading the days ahead I am going to embrace them and cherish them. Will I have some hard days, sure, but I will get through them. I will wake up in the morning with a smile on my face again. Hey...it could be a lot worse. I just hope that I never take anything for granted ever again, it all could be gone in a blink of an eye.

November 10. 2008 - Dinner

SO I went out to dinner with an old friend Friday night. I went to dinner with him understanding that I am not dating at this particular moment so I was able to go and have a nice friendly dinner with no first date jitters. It was great, we went to haru my favorite resturant, had wine and talked for a long time. i think it was my longest dinner in ages, time wise. I think it finally ended close to 11 pm. The thing that gets me is I love Brian so much, so how could i go out to dinner with another man and enjoy myself so much. I know there is a possible interest there and we did talk about it, but I am still on the same ground that I don't want anything at this particular moment. But it was still nice. And I even found myself thinking...is this a date? Even though we said it wasn't, I enjoyed myself so much that it felt like one. How is it that you can miss and love someone so much and still enjoy the company of another man? Maybe I am closer to wanting to date than i thought. But with it being November and it being our anniversary and his death anniversary is this right? Why do I feel like what I am doing is completely wrong or disrespectful? I feel so guilty sometimes. I am told that there is nothing wrong with what I am doing. I guess I still feel that way because I was married and still feel as if I am at times. I guess it will always be hard because he left with me loving him completely. We were in a good place. It isn't like divorce when you fall out of love with someone and it is easier to move on. I didn't have my closure and sometimes I feel like I never will.

November 6, 2008 - P.S. I Love You

So it is getting close to the end of the day. Although I am exhausted I feel another sleepless night is ahead of me. Last night, well really it was early this morning, I just laid there thinking of it all. The first time we met, our first fight, how he use to make me laugh, oh and that smirk he use to give me from across the room when we were in a crowd of people to let me know i was on his mind. Then those thoughts went to our wedding day and how amazingly happy he looked while i walked down the aisle.

I never thought i would finally have something like that. I wanted it so badly but never felt it would really happen. It did. I had something some people may never have in there life. I had a man who truely loved me with every fiber of his being. He fought for me and believed in me even when I didn't. He not only made me feel beautiful from the inside out but made me believe it too.

The irony of it all is I use to make him promise he would never leave me all the time, even after we were married, up until a few days before he was taken from me. I was finally happy and I was so afraid that it was going to be taken away from me. He told me he would never leave me and that he would always be here loving me. Crazy huh. What is even crazier is that a few months before he passed I had this horrible nagging feeling inside my gut that something horrible was going to happen. I would cry histerically (sp) about how I was so scared that something was going to happen. Now I cry because something horrible did happen. Man what I would give for that feeling that I had to of been wrong.

So, Brian, Happy Anniversary. I am who I am because of you. You have made me stronger in ways that I could never explain. You have taught me more about life and myself than I probably would have learned in a lifetime. You made my heart feel whole and gave me a real purpose in life. I am better because you loved me. I just hope that you dont have any regrets about anything and I hope to God that you felt loved beyond compare, because you were, are, and always will be.

November 5, 2008 - Wedding Anniversary

So, it is officially what was suppose to be our 3rd anniversary. We had planned a ski trip for this week in Canada and we were going to start trying for our second child. Instead, I am here in Melbourne not able to sleep and wondering what the future has in store for me.

Call me selfish but...a friend of mine called me a little bit ago upset about the results of the election saying the country is deprived of any morals and that they are stupid. Me, I couldn't stop to wonder wow, it must be nice to be so concerned so much about who is our next president. Yes I voted and yes I cared about who won, but at the end of the day who is president doesnt change where I am and who I am. I don't think the country is stupid and I dont think they are deprived of morals. All I can really think of is I was robbed of my happily ever after. Yes I am sure who is president will affect me in some way financially...but will it affect me emotionally, will that president help me get through what is going on inside of me...can they fix my broken heart...can they bring back my husband...my sons father. NO. I wish I could be so upset and emotionally torn apart about who the President is. Things happen for a reason, atleast that is what everyone has been telling me this past year, so maybe Obama being president happened for a reason. Maybe if people believed what they preached to me for the past year then they wouldnt be so upset about politics.

I am not trying to say that politics isn't important, it affects a lot of people...but when it comes down to it, can it affect our souls, our hearts? Can it change who we are as people? No, and if it can, then you weren't who you really are in the first place.

What sucks even more...this friend, down played my anniversary and said it was just another day. What an ass. Where was my friend's morals at that moment, a wedding anniversary is a very significant day, it is a day that a man and woman committed their life to eachother, a commitment we held dear to our hearts. Well you know what, Obama is just another President and we will have many many more.

November 4, 2008 - November

So it is November. The month I have been dreading all year. I feel like i am sufficating sometimes. All I can think about is he is not here. I am alone, all alone. Our anniversary is Wednesday. We had planned on going on a ski trip since I have never been skiing and we were also going to start trying to have another baby. Man how things have changed. Now i dont even know if i will ever have another child. I dont even know if I even want another one. If, and I mean if, I ever feel for someone what I felt and still feel for Brian, I dont know if I want to take the chance of having another child and them dieing on me and once again I am left raising a child with no father. I know that sounds terrible morbid and negative, but hopefully my negativity will change. The wierd thing is, I was just starting to get use to being alone and doing things on my own. Then all of a sudden out of the blue I was hit with this terrible feeling of being hopelesly lonely and lost once again. God I can't wait till this month is over. Hopefully I will be so busy with work I wont have too much time to think about it.

September 27, 2008 - Relapse

So I thought I was doing really good and then all of a sudden I keep on having these dreams about Brian. Along with it this very disturbing feeling that something horrible is about to happen has come over me. I had this same feeling for about 2 months before Brian passed, it was like i knew something tragic was going to happen but I didnt know what. So now that I am having that feeling again I am in a panic. Is it because this was the time last year that I started having this feeling? Is it because of the fast approaching anniversary of his death coming up? I dont know, it is just very unnerving.

These dreams are upsetting too. They all have Brian somehow coming back to life with me knowing how to save him and then in the end I couldn't save him and he dies all over again. In between the whole him being alive and then dieing, he is upset that I have moved his clothes out of our closet. He is always confused on why I felt the need to move things or get rid of things.
I thought all of this was over with, I thought that I could start moving on with my life. Why have all the nice dreams of Brian and me talking and holding eachother ended and all the upsetting dreams of Brian started again?

With these dreams and the feeling I have that something is going to go wrong, I have started the whole crying myself to sleep everynight and waking up in a bed full of tissues again. I dont want to go back there, it is too dark of a place to be. Please God heal me from this pain. I cant take it anymore!

September 11, 2008

Okay...so after many opinions on my blog "Get out there!" and thinking about the situation today I have come to a conclusion. I am just going to be. I will live my life, love my son, work, and hang with good friends. If the opportunity presents itself well we will go from there. Everyone is right, don't stress and analyze everything. I need to stop worrying about life so much. I have had some crazy things happen to me that took all control away from me and my life. I need to learn from that, we have no control unltimately what happens. We can make choices that will lead us in different paths yes, but what is suppose to happen will happen.

So, I am going to breath and not think about it. Done and done.

September 10, 2008 - Clarify

Okay...i feel the need to clarify last nights blog...Im not ready to start the whole relationship thing, too much work and I still need to heal some more. What I do want is to hang out with someone, be friends, talk. I miss talking with someone of the opposite sex sometimes. Brian and I use to have some great conversations about politics, sports, work, and life.

Some of my friends feel I need to get out there and meet people. I prefer to meet people through friends, not at a bar. That way there is no pressure and they usually already know my story to I don't have to explain. Also it is casual, no one is expecting anything. Because I am not ready to give anything except for good company and that is it. My heart isn't ready for the game.

September 9, 2008 - Get out there!

Okay so I want to know...what does get out there really mean? Because the last time I was out there I was a senior in high school...that is when I met my husband. Back then I met people in class and well Im not a teenager in school anymore. Does it mean go out to a bar and wait for someone to maybe come and talk to you and then do the whole exchanging of the numbers and waiting...Sorry but it never was for me. I always did the become friends hang out and then date thing. I can't stand games and that is all it seems like to me these days. Sounds nausiating.

Besides I have baggage. I have a husband that passed away that will always be the love of my life and will always be a part of me and my son. I don't know of many men who can hande that. I still miss my husband and from what my friend stephanie has told me, i always will. So is there such a thing as a guy who is totally okay with the fact that I am in love with another man and always will be? I have a hard time thinking there is.

I need honesty. No games. I need someone to talk to. I am not ready for the whole dating thing...but is there anything wrong with wanting to go out with someone of the opposite sex that is attractive and have a decent conversation with them? I want to feel free to talk about my husband and my son without having to worry about hurting anyones feelings. I don't have the time nor the energy to go out all the time but I do miss a companion sometimes.

Funny how you can love and miss someone so much but feel the need sometimes to move on...and as my friends would say, get out there. But am I ready?

September 3, 2008 - Clouds

Do you remember when you were a kid and you thought the clouds were the heavens? Well I thought that when I was a youngster. I use to want to fly up and see certain people even dogs that passed away while I was growing up. I was thinking about that when I was flying home today. The clouds looked so heavenly, white, puffy, with the sun shining in just right to make them look like they glowed. I thought about how nice it would be if that were true. God what I wouldn't have paid for it to be. For a moment I even found myself searching for Brian. He wasn't there.

Loosing someone is probably the hardest thing someone can go through whether it be final, like death, or just loosing them through choices we make. The finality of death is what I think makes it worse. No matter how much you plea, how many times you call their cell phone, how many times you walk into a familiar place...they wont be there. You can absolutely never in your lifetime see, talk to, or touch them again.

Brian use to go on business trips all the time and we even did the whole long distance thing for a year and a half. I remember aching to see him again or even to get a phone call from him. I don't remember it hurting this bad. Maybe it is because then I knew we would have the reunion. You know where you see someone you haven't seen in a while and you literally leap within yourself with joy and can't wait till you can wrap your arms around them and kiss them as if it was your first time. I guess I will get my reunion...but I will have to wait many years upon years for that.
Oh, if only the clouds were really the heavens.

August 25, 2008 - Routine

Okay so I think finally after 9 months of craziness I got a routine down. Now that I don't have school all day and then afterwards have to meet with my lawyer or financial advisor I have time.
So to those of you who don't have the family life this may sound boring to you but it sounds perfect to me since I haven't had normal in 9 months. We wake up...well usually it is me waking up to Brandon jumping on top of me saying "MiMi!". I make him breakfast and myself coffee. While I get ready he plays in his room. I drop him off at daycare...When I pick him up we play, sometimes go to my mom's house, or meet her for a starbucks at the mall. Then at 5:30/6:00 we eat dinner, have some fruit, and then clean up of course because you know a 21 month old is not the cleanist eater. After that we, including bosco, go on a walk. On out walk we sit at the benches by the river. They actually are right across from Ballard park. Today we watch some dolphin play and the boats come in. After we get home bath time! Then it is an episode of Pooh and then off to bed.

I think I finally have it down. Whew! After B goes to bed it is finally some mommy time. :) I am sure this will change a bit once I get my license but for now it is perfect :)

August 23, 2008 - Wow

That was intense yesterday...wow. I guess I had some stuff on my mind :) I just hope that one day someone can be okay with me and my sistuation. Brian will always hold a piece of my heart and I will always love him. So because of that I cant imagine someone being okay with me still loving brian. I have been told not to put him on a pedestal, but we were happy so that will be a little hard. Its funny how you see yourself with one person for the rest of your life, and then all of a sudden it was really for the rest of their life. I want to be happy again. I loved being married, it suited me. I loved having someone you could lay down next every night and wake up to every morning. Someone who knew everything about me and that was okay. I had no insecurities with him and now I am faced with a whole bunch of insecurities. I am told that I am young and not to rule out anything. Im not, it is just hard to imagine that I would be lucky enough to love twice and be loved twice. Do I have to be single again? I dont even remember what that is like.

August 22, 2008 - 9 months

I was sitting on my deck listenting to the wind blowing through the trees and the sounds of rope and metal clanging on the masts of the sailboats, and I was at peace. It is amazing how life can just seem to stand still, how all your worries, problems seem to disappear. No phones ringing, your sons not pulling at your leg, no one asking how you are. Just my glass of wine and the breeze on my face. Just me. I have had a lot of time to think about life lately, how nothing is ever as it seems, how fragile it is, and how fast time passes us by.

Its been exactly 9 months since Brian has passed. I still at times can't believe I was able to pull myself away from him on that dreadful day at the hospital let alone survive life afterwards. I think of that day and it plays out like a movie or a dream. The raw pain I felt I can still feel, the sounds of the ambulance as I sat in the front seat telling myself it was all going to be okay when we got to the hospitals, the doctor would be able to get him to come back to me, I can hear it plain as day. I wrapped my arms around his body for hours but it felt like minutes waiting for him to put his arms around me and kiss my forehead like he did many times. Then the questions and paperwork, I just wanted to lay there.

I can still picture the funeral. It wasn't him...he wasn't there. It was amazing to me how different a person looks when their soul has left them. He didnt have the same spirit, the same smirk. He looked so cold. All the people, so many of them. Half of them I didn't remember or know. I tried to be brave but I had my weak moments clinging to his casket sobbing.

Now Im here. Finished with school beginging to start a new chapter in my life and I feel like he carried me here even though he wasn't truely here with me. I feel he would be happy with how Ive handled myself and our son. I feel at peace knowing he will always be here with us, watching over us. I also feel that he will make sure I have happiness again someday.

I can still feel his arms around me.

August 17, 2008 - Things aren't so bad after all

I am starting to find out that the things that you are most scared of always turn out not to be so scary after all. I lived in a life of routine most of my life with little change and anything new I experianced was never on my own since I was 18. So now that I have been going through a lot of change and everythign is pretty much a new experiance as much as I would love to share those experiances with Brian its not so bad doing it on your own. I think he would be proud of me. He always wanted me to feel like I could stand on my own...well I guess I am. Now if I could just build up my confidence a little more I will be set :)

July 22, 2008 - Grateful for the gifts in my life (My Birthday)

My birthday was Sunday. My feelings about it was that I didnt want to celebrate it. I didnt want to celebrate because I didnt feel like I should. My husband isnt here so what was there to celebrate. My friends and family however felt differently. They said they were grateful I was here in their lives and they wanted to celebrate that. So we went out for dinner and then off to Mainstreet on Saturday. On Sunday morning I woke up with Bosco (my dog) curled up next to me and I realized I had a lot to celebrate. I had so many wonderful friends who have been there for me through the good, bad, and terrible. God has given me the gift of great friends. I have been so blessed in my life with my son as well who is the joy of my life and a family who is amazing. Thank you God for all the wonderful gifts in my life.

July 10, 2008 - Trying to look at the positives

Okay....after torturing myself all weekend and being sad and lonely, I have decided to try to turn a new leaf and be positive. I sold the house, yes it is hard to let go and it is the last big thing that I am letting go that Brian and I had together, but I don't have to pay that mortgage anymore and it is the final step I need to take in order to try to move on with my life. I will always remeber all the memories we made in that house as well as all the other memories we made together. That can't be taken away or sold and those are the most important. Yes, he is still the love of my life and always will be. So with that, I am going to try to be positive. I am finishing school soon, I have a job at a great salon, my son is a wonderful little boy, I have a fantastic family that is by my side, and awesome friends. I am grateful for everything I have.

July 7, 2008 - Sold the house

So probably the hardest thing I had to do was sell my house, and I just sold it this weekend. It brought on a lot of emotions and I almost feel like I am letting go of Brian again. It feels like he just died in my arms all over again. We built our lives, marriage, family, and dreams in that house and now by the end of the month it will no longer be ours. It is amazing how something like selling a house and bring it all back again and in a way more intensly. I miss that life that we had in that house. We had a good life, and it is gone.

June 28, 2008 - Good Saturday

I stayed at my parents house last night because I was tired of being alone. I am glad I did. It was so nice waking up with my son and having someone to talk to and be lazy with. I find that I miss Brian the most during the quiet hours (morning and night). Since I have been being pretty alone lately spending the night was the perfect thing to do.

Later on in the morning my sister, Michelle, showed up with her 2 year old and 5 week old. We all played in the pool and taught Brandon and Alyssa how to jump to me into the pool. They were so excited after doing so. Simple pleasures :)

So far it has been a good Saturday, and a much needed one as that. I hope everyone is having an easy going, simple pleasures kind of good Saturday as well.

June 20, 2008 - Tell me everything is going to be okay

I just put my son to bed a little bit ago. After he fell asleep I sat there and looked on his book shelf where Brian sits. I couldn't help but wonder how I got here, how my life came to be what it is. In one split moment my whole life was taken away from me and my son was left without his father who loved him dearly. I can't helped but be scared. Scared of the other ball dropping or what the future will bring. What will I say when Brandon asks me why he doesn't have a daddy. I am scared I won't be good enough as a parent and that somehow I will go wrong. I no longer have my rock and I feel like I am so lost. Brian always told me everything was going to be okay, in fact those were his last words to me. But today I am having a hard time believing that everything IS going to be okay.

Lord please give me strength

June 17, 2008 - First Time (Father's Day)

So this is my first blog....not sure how all of this works but here it goes.

Where do I begin...hmmm. Well I am so glad Father's Day is done with. I have been dreading it and I was suppose to go over to my parents for this family BBQ with everyone there. I wasn't really looking forward to it since everyone hounds me about how I am doing. But instead I was home with little B (Brandon) who had a fever and thses wierd red bumps all over his body. Poor thing. He still isn't feeling well today so to the doctor we go tomorrow. I want my poor baby to feel better.

Today it was back to school which I can't wait until it is over. I did bleach out one of the girls hair in class using this new product I bought, Blonde Icing by Redken. Her hair turned out awesome! A big pat on my back for me. Then it was off to work until 8.

That is the way my Mondays and Tuesdays go pretty much. I hardly get to see my little one and it kills me, but it is only 6 more weeks of hell and then I will be able to spend more time with B. I cant wait.

Okay...off to bed. Long day again tomorrow.

First Blog

I use to blog on MySpace about a year after my husband passed away. I needed an outlet, and at the time, it was pretty much all I had. So the next few blogs I am posting will be the dates I blogged. I want all my blogs on one spot.

So here it goes...