Thursday, May 13, 2010

Just say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I must say, I am a much different person now than I was before my husband passed away. I have way more faith in my abilities than I ever use to and well, I just feel like I am a better person. Granted I am not too fond of the person I was right after Brian passed away, but after a year I'd say I had grown.

One thing I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore is complain too much. I was actually complaining when my husband dropped unexpectedly. However, I find myself getting back into the same old routine of complaining about meaningless (well not completely) stuff. I am getting married again soon and the last thing I want to be is a nagging wife again. I am not saying I complained all the time, I just STRESSED OUT about everything. Everything had to be perfect.

I guess it is easier to say you won't complain when you don't have a spouse to complain to. I need to relax. I need to get back to the place where I know I can't control everything. I need to remember that not everyone in this world is nice and has good intentions...and breathhhhhh.

I know I have a lot going on in my life right now, and lets face it planning a wedding is more stressful than we would like to admit sometimes. But, I don't ever want to take the chance of the last words someone hears coming out of my mouth are those words of complaint. I don't ever want to feel like I didn't get to say "I love you" or "You are amazing" or "Thank you".

I want so badly to be a wonderful wife and mother. I just hope I can get back to not stressing out so much and enjoy what I have while I have it.

As my sister would put it..."Just say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day where the Mother gets showered with love and appreciation and a little gift to show we care. It is a day that moms all over look forward to.

To me, Mother's Day has a different feeling. I only got to celebrate one Mother's Day where my husband showed his appreciation for all that I do and a gift from our then 5 1/2 month old son.

Since my husband passed away one week shy from our son's first birthday the past two Mother's Day brought on different feeling than appreciation and happiness.

Don't get me wrong. I love my son with all of my heart and having him in my life was my saving grace. He is and always will be my angel. However, when your spouse isn't around to make you breakfast in bed, have a card and flowers waiting for you, or just the sweet sound of him saying "Happy Mother's Day" to you when you open your eyes, Mother's Day tends to be bittersweet.

The past two years I would of course spend the day doing something special with my little man, but I always wondered what it would have been like if my husband was still here. What would he of planned? Would he have forgotten as some men do :) ? I tried to recall my one and only Mother's Day with him still here and it seems like a faint memory. We took Brandon to my Mom and Dad's house for his first pool experience. I remember he wasn't too sure about it at first, but once we put him in a floaty he was in heaven :) I had such a great day that day, the best first Mother's Day ever.

This year I had someone to spend it with. Someone my son sees as his Daddy. They went off and shopped for a gift for me together and everything. What made this year special was that I felt like a family again, which probably is the best Mother's Day gift anyone could ever give me. The only person I have to thank for that is God.

So this year I feel blessed and thankful for the life and family I have. Although I will never forget the wonderful memory of what a great husband Brian was and how special he made me feel as a Mother, I look forward to many more years of celebration with my soon to be hubby and my son :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Moving on...

Moving on is probably one of the hardest things about being a widow. So much goes through your mind. Will people think I don't love him anymore? Will he approve of who I date or fall in love with? Am I making the right decisions for our son?

As I started to slip on my wedding dress for my first fitting, the past 2 and a half years started to flash before my eyes. The day it happened. The hurt. The tears. The days of going completely insane. The legalities. The therapy sessions. The anger. The numbness. The hopelessness. The fear. Then I thought, I can't believe in one month I will be marrying again. A sense of fear then washed over me. What if I lose this husband too? How would I make it through it again? How would I be able to explain to Brandon that he lost two daddy's?

I still think of my late husband and what our life would have been like. It is hard not too, especially when you are planning to marry someone new. I think of it sometimes with guilt knowing that the life I have with my fiance is amazing and I shouldn't be wondering about all the what ifs.

Moving on is so hard because you have to let your guard down again. You have to chip away at the wall that you put up to protect yourself from anymore heartache. You have to learn how to be okay with letting someone else into your life that is not your husband. You have to come to the realization that they would want you to find love again and be happy. The hardest thing is coming to grips that you have fallen in love again, and that someone else has captured your heart just as your late husband did.

One thing that I know, if you can love your children just the same and have enough room in your heart for all of them...then you must have room in your heart for a spouse who has passed and a new love in your life. You don't stop loving them, you just love more.

So in one month I will be Mrs. Brooke Nates. As scared as I am about all the what ifs, I am also so excited about all the plans we are making and the future that we will have.