tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15448591791012440992024-03-05T23:22:56.707-08:00Too Young To Be WidowedAll-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-58114993059025758262012-05-15T19:40:00.000-07:002012-05-15T19:40:13.427-07:00Saying GoodbyeI have to say, these past few years that I have journeyed through have been vital to who I am today. I was broken, torn to shreds, and was ripped of any hope of what I thought my life would be like. I had countless days of not wanting to go on, and luckily countless people in my life who not only helped me but made me. I started this blog as a way to not only mend my heart and document how I got to here from where I was, but to reach out to others who may have experienced even just a miniscule piece of what I have been through. I have touched lives and lives have touched me. It is because of all of this that I am able to say goodbye to a chapter in my life that is no longer.
I no longer feel like a widow. Yes, I have lost my first love, husband, father to my son, and best friend tragically too soon. But I have also gained so much since then. I am now remarried to a wonderful man who not only loves me but my son as well, and have also had a precious baby girl with my husband who has reminded me just how wonderful this life can be. I feel, that in order for me to move on completely I need to leave my widow life behind me. I find it too hard at times to talk about what I have been through, and it pains me that others have and are experiencing that pain as well. I have spent many days in prayer about this and I know for me this is the best thing to do.
If this blog has helped even just one person get through their journey then I know that I have accomplished what I had been trying to do for all those years. I would like to send out my love to all of those who have supported me through all of these years as well as those who have lost a spouse and are trying to make sense of this journey.
God bless you all.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-31599357434307940162012-01-31T17:24:00.000-08:002012-01-31T20:33:16.979-08:00The Speech<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8oI8sPSkpo_QARXQC7FtoRi0KeUhEbXtrgTSq9iXBwrOWi2EtSCOT_ynRVlPwXlRVUocgRDwNU9j8nVSa_vDe0ypZX_gscS-htbEQo89owicF9978_Ij6eBNi33b-PATHxqN0ZXyofqh5/s1600/424864_2840526285170_1019687130_32450358_875449120_n.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8oI8sPSkpo_QARXQC7FtoRi0KeUhEbXtrgTSq9iXBwrOWi2EtSCOT_ynRVlPwXlRVUocgRDwNU9j8nVSa_vDe0ypZX_gscS-htbEQo89owicF9978_Ij6eBNi33b-PATHxqN0ZXyofqh5/s320/424864_2840526285170_1019687130_32450358_875449120_n.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5704020518553065202" /></a><br />My grandfather passed away Friday. I know I should be sad, and I am, but I am filled with more joy because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is with our Father in heaven. <br /><br />Grandpa was, as my Grandmother would say, "a true gentleman." Which was one of the main reasons why she married him, and for those of you who don't know, 20 days after their first date. He must of been a confident man as well, because when met her he called up his mother and told her that he had met the woman he was going to marry. I love hearing the story of their short courtship. Especially since they were married for 55 years. Which in these days we all know is hard to come by. True love. I never doubted their love for a second either because of the way he would look at my grandmother at times. It was in his eyes. Something I didn't know though, they had spaghetti for dinner on every anniversary because that was the dinner they had on their wedding night. He insisted, which I think is romantic.<br /><br />The love that I speak of in his eyes wasn't just for Grandma, it was for all of us in his family too. The sparkle he had in his eyes and the smile on his face when any of his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren walked into the house was an undeniable love. He loved spoiling us and teasing us at the same time. When us grandchildren were young he use to tell us that the boogie man lived in the closet and would get us if we didn't take a nap. His cane was also used on numerous accounts as a way to play with the great-grandbabies...And his lap always had an open invitation for them to sit on while he sat in his favorite chair. Not to mention the candy drawer that was always stocked with King Size Candy bars, which we could have as much as we wanted. However he did have some expectations of his grandkids...well at least from me I know that he expected that if I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies that I was to make a special bag just for him. Which I always did because I loved how happy it made him.<br /><br />The great thing about grandpa was that his love and generosity was never limited to just his family. As my grandmother put it, if you were hungry and all he had was a loaf of bread he would give you the whole loaf and save nothing for him self. He volunteered countless hours teaching computer classes and assisting residents in his community at Lamplighter Village. He was also very involved with his church of 22 years, Rockledge Christian Center. He was always one of the first ones at the church every Sunday morning opening the doors and helping with the preparations for the day. He also was the go to man for the kids to get candy from.<br /><br />Now we all know, that he was also a wise guy. He would always have a way of sneaking in a joke or two into a conversation, which usually in turn made my grandmother blush or shake her head. Matter of Fact, when he was being baptized Pastor Joe had asked him why it took him so long, and my grandfather replied, "Why did you let me take so long." Plus he was always up for a wise crack from someone else too and could go back and forth with the best of them. Which is one of the ways that he earned the nickname "Grumpy Old Man" which was bestowed upon by my sister, Michelle.<br /><br />My grandpa, or Jim, or Papaw, or Pop-Pop...whatever name you called him was so many things to so many people. He was a gentleman. He was a man of honor, a loving man, a giving man, and a man who knew how to find laughter in life.<br /><br />See, there are so many reasons why I know my grandfather is looking down on all of us right now smiling from heaven. He is no longer restricted by his disease and handicaps. He is no longer in pain. So, even though we miss him tremendously and we would give anything for just a little more time with him, I am joyful knowing he is happy. To add to the many reasons why I know he is happy in heaven. This past Sunday morning when I was at church our worship team sang a song that they had never sung before and while introducing the song they told us to have fun. As the song began to play I realized it was one of my grandfather's favorite songs, "I'll Fly Away". I feel it was my grandfather's way of saying hello and that he is happy and joyful in the arms of heaven.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-2575647075974279672011-12-29T14:18:00.000-08:002011-12-29T17:52:42.695-08:00ParentsWe grow up believing our parents are invincible, almost superhero like. We know we can go to them for anything, bad or good. That they somehow will heal our wounds and give us the encouragement we need to go back out into the world.<br /><br />Then one day we become parents. The excitement in their eyes is enough to make you beam with pride. Then you lean on them for a whole new realm of issues. You call them in a panic because your baby has been crying for hours and you don't know what to do. You cry to them that you feel you aren't a good parent and you are ruining your child forever. In return they always lift you up with the knowledge you need and the reassurance that they felt the same way you did. Of course you don't see how they could feel incapable the way you do because in your eyes they were the perfect parents.<br /><br />But what about the day when you see them hurt and broken? When you can tell in their voice that they need reassurance or encouragement? When they need someone to talk to?<br /><br />My parents for me have always been rocks. Strong as a fortress. Although some signs have shown of defeat from time to time, never were they shaken. Although there are few things that could make me worry about my parents, I know the one thing they hold dear to their hearts is their family. I saw this when I lost my husband. My parents still my rocks, suffered. I could see the pain in their eyes. As much as they were there for me I knew in their hearts they felt they weren't doing enough. However they were doing everything I needed.<br /><br />Now I seem to be in the position that my parents were in four years ago. As they watch one of their parents slip into dementia, I can't help but want to take away the pain from them and my Grandmother. I want to hold my mother and tell her everything is going to be okay, like she would me. I want to help, but what is there really one can do. You can help physically by running an errand, taking lunch/dinner to someone, but nothing I do can heal the heart and shield it from the pain.<br /><br />There comes a time when the roles are reversed and your parents become the ones that need protecting, healing, and words of encouragement. There comes a time when you too want to shield them from the harshness of the world.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-46984241784820090252011-11-21T18:20:00.000-08:002011-11-21T18:43:34.413-08:00How much life changes in a blink of an eye. It has been four years since Brian has passed but it seems as if it was just yesterday he was here. At the same time I feel like my life has changed so much since then that the girl I was that day is a distant memory.<br /><br />As I always tell my fellow widows/widowers...the anticipation of the anniversary is always worse then the actual day usually turns out. Which in normal fashion I have had anxiety all this month, sometimes about normal everyday stuff and sometimes as I thought about my late husband and that day. Today, although nothing like I had planned it to be, was just like any other day. I had hoped to make it to the zoo, but with the weather and how I have been feeling being pregnant and all the zoo will have to come another day. <br /><br />I still can't believe that in four years I have remarried and am now expecting a little girl with my recent husband. I look back and if you would have asked me a few years ago if I would ever love again and get married, I would have told you I might love but not the way I loved Brian, and marriage was never going to happen again. Funny thing is, I love so deeply for my now husband and feel lucky that God has given me a second chance with the whole family thing. I use to feel robbed, but now I feel blessed. Blessed that I have grown and learned from that tragic day. Blessed that instead of letting that day/moment define me, I let it mold me into a better person and bring me closer to God.<br /><br />They always say that every situation is what you make of it. Well I find that saying very true. Although I still miss Brian dearly and wish he was here so that Brandon could know his daddy more intimately, I know that everything is going to be okay and that life really does go on. <br /><br />These past four years I have cried, been broken, laughed, and put back together again. I have leaned on my family members more than I would have liked to and many friends who didn't have to be there for me wiped tears from my face. I know that not everyone is as blessed as I am and I thank God everyday for each and every person who is and was in my life. I also thank God for all those who loved Brian dearly whether they were family, friends that felt like family, or acquaintances.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-91968950137372785092011-11-17T12:25:00.000-08:002011-11-17T12:46:17.371-08:00Almighty HealerIt was brought to my attention that I have not updated my blog lately about our precious Bryn...<br /><br />When you are pregnant and you go for the ultrasound where you learn the sex of you baby along with how he/she is growing and that all is well. Really the only emotion that ever came to mind was excitement. So when I was told the next morning that they wanted to take a better look at her heart I felt like I was hit by a truck. Then instead of getting the relief that all was well, I was told that she may need surgery right after or soon after she was born due to a significantly large hole. <br /><br />For the next two and a half months I went to doctor visit after doctor visit waiting for someone to give me an answer or a plan on what is going to be done and when. However instead I got one doctor telling me one thing and another telling me something completely different.<br /><br />So, for my latest Cardiology appointment and Perinatal appointment they finally both agreed. The hole was gone.<br /><br />I didn't understand. I still was a little scared and really didn't know how to feel. As I broke down in the doctor's office and asked him "What does this mean?" He simply replied with, "This means it is time for you to stop worrying and to start enjoying being pregnant and start getting excited about your little girl." The tears were part relief and part frustration all in one. <br /><br />There is only one explanation that I can come up with, God. How can a hole that large suddenly disappear? I had two doctors see it and then the third couldn't see it. It was if it had never had been there in the first place. I know some may say that it could have been a mistake, but I'd rather think of it as an act from our Almighty Healer. Sometimes science can't explain everything and I am fine with that. Sometimes an explanation really isn't needed<br /><br />I hate to admit this but until that news I was having a hard time being truly excited about being pregnant. I couldn't bear the thought of our little girl needing surgery or even the possibility of loosing her, so I was a bit disconnected. I was afraid to love her too much and then loose her. I didn't want to buy clothes or get her room ready. I didn't want to really do anything to prepare because I was scared. My husband had to push to start getting her room together. <br /><br />I will say, as sad as it was for my husband to hear how I was feeling and how I had a hard time connecting, he never made me feel bad about it. He just encouraged me to have faith that everything was going to be okay. I didn't really tell anyone but him how I felt, and I am so glad that my husband was all I needed to get through those feelings. He had more faith than me, and I love him more because of that.<br /><br />So now I am super excited about our up and coming gift even more than I was when I first found out I was pregnant. Plus I was taught a valuable lesson. Just because I have been through some bad things in my life and I have suffered great loss, that doesn't mean I should loose all faith that something that starts off sounding bad can have a good outcome. He will take care of us, even when we feel like there is nothing that can be done. You would think I would have learned that lesson already, but sometimes we need a little reminder :)<br /><br />8 more weeks till Bryn makes her debut!All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-30635327258435124612011-09-19T18:44:00.001-07:002011-09-19T19:06:54.819-07:00Trusting in HimOur church is doing a 4 week series on the book of James. I was definitely looking forward to it because the series is all about Jesus being a part of your everyday life and not part of your life when you go to church or when you say your prayers at night. This is something I fell all of us could improve on, no matter how wonderful of a Christian you are. And well I definitely need help in this area in my life, so off to church I went on Sunday...<br /><br />During church Pastor Mark said something that really hit home with me. He said, "Don't base your relationship with God on what is going on in your life." Wow, I thought. That is exactly what I have done in the past. When things were great I praised God for all he had given me in life and when things got hard, I shied away from him a bit. Don't get me wrong, I still believed in him and I still knew this was all part of his plan, but I didn't trust in him. Because I didn't know why the things in my life were happening I felt as if he didn't really have my back.<br /><br />By the end of the service during the last song we sang I was brought to tears. I have been so upset with God about the troubles that have come to our attention with our little girl that I couldn't trust in Him. I thought, "Seriously! Again? Enough already!". Instead I should have praised him for all the wonderful things that I have in my life including my baby girl and trusted in Him that everything is going to work out just fine...no matter what.<br /><br />It is a concept that I would guess that most people who go through difficult times have a hard time with. I know I have had my share of trials and I definitely questioned the Big Man Upstairs many of times and wondered where he was.<br /><br />We all know that all bad in the world, disease, death, illness...is all the work of the devil. And although God has the power to shield us from these awful things in the world, he sometimes lets these things into our lives to teach us something. Kind of like when your mom or dad lets you fall every once in a while so you can learn about life on your own. Although I wish bad things never happened, I will say I have learned something about each and every mistake, wrong turn, and tragedy in my life. I am not the same jealous insecure girl I was in High School, I am not the same selfish woman I was 5 years ago. I am ever evolving and more and more becoming the woman that God intended me to be.<br /><br />So i would like to take this moment to Praise God for all the wonderful things in my life:<br /><br />Thank you Lord for...<br /><br />My loving family, husband, and son.<br />This beautiful baby girl growing inside of me whom I know is your perfect creation.<br />My friends. All of them.<br />All the things you have blessed me with in my life.<br />The lessons you have taught me.<br />The lessons you have yet to teach me.<br />Giving me more than one chance to know you.<br />Always loving me, no matter what I say or do.<br /><br />Amen.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-13489695266388790712011-09-14T17:36:00.000-07:002011-09-14T18:24:46.243-07:00Matters of the HeartThe human heart. We not only refer to the heart physiologically but emotionally as well. <br /><br />We have scientist, doctors, surgeons, nurses, and anyone else in the medically field study it. They study how it works and how sometimes it doesn't work. And when it has an issue we try desperately to fix it. Because without your heart, the rest of your organs can't function. <br /><br />We refer to the heart with emotional ties. When we face upsetting times we call it heart-break. When we miss someone desperately, we say our heart aches. When we fall in love our heart leaps.<br /><br />I have had the pleasure of experiencing the heart in many ways. I have fallen in love, had my heart broken, and my heart has ached. I have also become very aware of how the heart works and how it sometimes fails to work properly. It seams lately, really the past 4 years my life has been burdened by matters of the heart.<br /><br />During the experience of the heart break of my husband passing away, I was told that the cause of his death was a congenital heart disease called myxoid heart disease. I was also told that I know had to have my son checked every year to make sure he doesn't develop the same thing his father died from. So, once a year I stress over his appointment with the pediatric cardiologist praying he hasn't developed any signs. Matter of a fact, we just had a check up on him on Monday and all was well. Whew! Now he can play soccer without me worrying about him dropping in the middle of a game. Which believe me, as time passes and we get closer to his annual appointment I often think about.<br /><br />Now being the positive person I strive to be...I was sure that my run in with heart problems was done. At least physiologically. Well, as we all know, life is not a road that is straight and narrow. Life throws us some curves, bumps, and sometimes mountains to climb in the road.<br /><br />A few weeks ago I went for my monthly OB check up. I was excited because we got to get an ultrasound and see our little one growing inside of me. We also found out the sex of our baby as well, which we didn't know if we were or not, but we found out it was a girl :) Everything looked good, she was the right size, healthy heartbeat, ten fingers, ten toes, all looked well...so it seemed.<br /><br />The next morning, early, 7:30am early, I got a phone call from our doctor telling me that he wanted to send me to get more ultrasounds done. He said he wasn't sure if he got good views of the heart. So, off I went that day to see another doctor to get more ultrasounds done. Then, what every pregnant mother fears, I was told that our little girl had a significant hole in her heart called ventricular septal defect (VSD)and that I needed to see a pediatric cardiologist because it was very probable that she was going to need surgery after birth.<br /><br />Great!<br /><br />So, today was our appointment with the pediatric cardiologist to get more ultrasounds done. Of course Bryn, that is what we named her, wasn't cooperating very well. However, he feels he was able to get some good views of the heart. He couldn't see the VSD. Which means two things. One its not there anymore, or two he didn't get the view he needed. So good news considering two weeks ago I was told the hole was a significantly big hole. Unfortunately, there was a small caution sign to go with it. He also saw extra fluid around the heart. Everyone has some fluid around their heart, but there was more than she was suppose to have. Which means one of two things, one she is just fighting off a virus that I might have caught, or two, signs of congestive heart failure.<br /><br />My hopes going into this appointments was to either have a game plan of what to do or have definite relief that she is perfectly fine. I didn't get either one of those and I left feeling the same way I went in, confused, worried, and a heartbroken. <br /><br />I am starting to realize something, no matter what, matters of the heart surround us. In some way or another we are feeling our heart, whether it be emotionally or physically, our heart has a large presence. I pray that our little girl is just having a little hiccup in her development and in two weeks we will get a definite answer that she no longer has a hole in her heart and in four weeks we will be told that he fluids are at normal level. Because to be honest, as far as the matter of heartbreak goes, I don't know how much more i can take. I just know that no matter what God will take care of me and my baby.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-75623544190145130102011-09-05T03:42:00.000-07:002011-09-05T04:09:10.064-07:00Tough LoveWhen I thought about having children I remember people telling me how hard it was. How it was mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. How my whole world would shift and my priorities would forever change. Now, I believed them. I knew in my head that it was going to be hard and that there were going to be sacrifices made, made the reward was so much greater. One thing they forgot to mention is all the heart break you go through as a parent. I remember the first time I dropped him off at daycare and how I pretty much cried every day that week. How every time he gets sick I wish I could take it all away for him. Then there is the heart break because of the lessons you have to teach your child.
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<br />About a month ago we really started having some issues with Brandon. He actually almost got himself kicked out of school, and now we are still on probation. This is preschool people, so it wasn't like he was setting things on fire on Science class...at least not yet anyway. To me it was much worse than that. My son had no respect for authority. None. Which as a parent is one of the big lessons you are suppose to teach your child and I thought I was doing that. I guess I was wrong.
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<br />So about two weeks ago we had to take things to the extreme and for the first time really knew what tough love was. Even though I thought tough love was for when they are older and you have to send them out into the world and let them try to figure it out on their own, I was giving my four year old a different kind of tough love. We stripped his room. He had nothing, no toys, no stuffed animals, no books, no pictures on the wall, and no bed frame. His room consisted of the essentials...a bed on the floor and a plain white t-shirt and some plain shorts for him to wear. Yes one outfit that I had to wash every night. No more desserts and no more going out to eat. He did receive love and care, food, baths, you know, the stuff we need to live.
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<br />Once we took everything away and he saw what we had done, well the inevitable happened...a holy temper tantrum. One of epic proportions. A few hours to be exact. We explain what was going to happen, but he didn't believe us of course, until he saw his empty room. So after he had his melt down and I had mine we had a talk about why things were happening and what behavior is expected of him. We also explained that if he behaves the way he is suppose to then each day he can earn one thing back of his choosing.
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<br />Okay, some of you might be thinking I am crazy and that this is too harsh for a four year old. I want to remind you I still loved on him, feed him, and gave him baths and clean clothes. He just didn't have the fun things we give our children today. He had what is all some kids have in this country. He needed to learn that things in life don't come free. That with the right behavior we can earn things that we would like to have. Simple building blocks that some of us never learn and expect the world to hand us everything or that we are owed something. These are lessons that our parents instill in us from the day we are born.
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<br />Granted, I was worried about it not working. That we were going to go through all of this and we would still have the same behavior from him. Well, I must say, the first few days were rough...and he didn't earn anything back. Then there was a shift. It was like he got it, finally. He realized that if he just respected his parents and teachers and did as needed than he got good things. Now don't get me wrong he still has a few hiccups in the road, but after two weeks of tough love I think we are getting somewhere with him.
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<br />My heart was broken through this process and I cried almost every night wondering where I went wrong. I though I was a bad mother, and I wondered how God could trust me enough with raising another one.
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<br />Now I sit here this morning feeling like we did the right thing and that sometimes the hardest things for a parent to do is the best thing for their child in the long run. No matter how much your heart breaks through the process. Especially when the reward in the end is being able to enjoy your son and all his wonderful qualities :)All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-14320240234563103942011-08-28T16:11:00.000-07:002011-08-28T17:04:31.778-07:00It is a parenting thing...I have been feeling lately I have nothing to blog about because my blog is suppose to be about my journey through life as a young widow. Well, since my husband passed I have been through a lot of bad times, trying times, desperate times, and after a while good times. I am not remarried and am expecting my second child with my now husband.
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<br />So, what do I have that is relevant to being young and widowed? After months of thinking about it it dawned on me...my life didn't begin when my husband died and my life didn't end when I fell in love again. It is all relevant because it is all part of my life. Maybe my story is no longer a tragic one, but I am who I am and I am where I am because of all of the events in my life.
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<br />With that being said, here is what I am blogging about today. My son.
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<br />My son is an amazing little boy. He is full of wonder and excitement. He is very mischievous, strong willed, loving, and hard to handle all wrapped up in one wonderful little boy whom I love with every bit of my heart. After my husband passed and I pulled myself out of my fog he became my reason for being. A lot to put on a child if you ask me, but he loved the attention. Which also proves my theory that he requires A LOT of attention. Maybe I created it, or maybe it is just who he is, but either way attention is all he needs.
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<br />Recently my husband and I have been struggling with behavior issues with him. Which in turn provokes a lot of opinions from surrounding people on why he is behaving the way he is and how I should deal with it because apparently I am not doing a sufficient job.
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<br />Some people say, "Oh he is just being four." or "He has been through so much." Then there are the suggestions on how to punish him, like "He just needs a good beating." or "Have you tried taking things away?". Then some people say, "You just need to talk to him." Than when I tell them what I am doing I get the disagreeing faces and how I could do things different and apparently in their eyes better. Like I don't feel insufficient enough as a parent already.
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<br />Here is a little background on me...I HATE confrontation. I hate yelling, hitting, I hate anything negative. I LOVE love. I wish I could just hug it out of him some days, okay, all days. So discipline is probably my weakest attribute when it comes to parenting, but I give it my best.
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<br />Believe me, I know my son has been through a lot of changes in his life...but I would like to think most of them are positive changes. At this point I would like to add that he did not have to go through the experience of loosing his father because he was only one when he passed. So there was no real grieving process that he had to go through. He has however experienced a father-figure entering into his life that later on became his daddy. Positive in the fact that he now has a loving daddy in his life a change in the fact that it was no longer just mommy and Brandon. I got married, again positive and Brandon saw it as just a big party and nothing else. I am now pregnant. This again can be a positive and a negative to a child because they get excited about having a sibling, but also worry about the split of love and attention...please refer back to paragraph four. Lastly, we move into a new house next week. This Brandon has only seen as a positive because now he gets a house with a pool.
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<br />Children all deal with change differently I get this, however, through life children need to know respect. Respect of their parents, teachers, and well...all adults. This is something my son seems to have not learned or forgotten, one of the two. He thinks he is the boss. He thinks he can just throw a temper tantrum and kick and hit and he will in the end get his way. He thinks he doesn't have to listen and he can just do whatever he wants. Now this is where all parents tell me, "Oh he is just being four. I have the same problem with my child." That is where I get annoyed. If their child was on the verge of being kicked out of daycare then maybe I would listen to them, but their child isn't, mine is. I understand children don't listen, it is all a learning process, but for some reason my son is above average in the not listening category.
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<br />At the moment we are trying a discipline technique given to us by the director of his daycare. This technique is hard core and I will not explain because I have already gotten dirty looks and negative comments from people and well I am tired of it. I have tried everything I can possibly think of and I am at my breaking point. So if something drastic is what he needs, well I will give it a try.
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<br />However, I am breaking down myself. I find myself crying almost every night to my husband telling him that all I want is to be able to do things with him like other parents and not have anxiety over whether it is going to be a good day or not. When we have bad days, which lately has seemed to be more than not my anxiety goes through the roof which in turn is not good for the other child I am growing inside of me. I then worry about my baby and what all of this is doing to it. I have already lost one and I couldn't bare loosing another. I would like to say though, the baby so far is doing great.
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<br />So, since I am not sure how this parenting tactic is going to work out, I have decided to do my research. I went to Barnes n Noble tonight and got myself two parenting books. One is titled, "Becoming The Parent You Want To Be" and the other "If I Have To Tell You One More Time...". I don't know if either book is going to have the answers I am looking for but at least I am trying. Not only that I have decided that I too need to make some changes. Obviously my son needs something I am not giving him and I too need to make some improvements. I definitely am learning a lot about myself through this process that is for sure.
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<br />Oh, and no, I am not looking for anyone's parenting advice...I have heard enough. Although I know it all comes form a loving place, there comes a time when you have to just pray and listen to God, and work things out the way you seem best fit.
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<br />So, this might not be a widowed thing, but this parenting thing is very relevant to my journey through life.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-46772580503812910072011-03-21T08:39:00.000-07:002011-03-21T08:56:07.867-07:00Daddy and Mommy Game"Mommy. You want play the Mommy and Daddy Game?"<br /><br />"Sure Brandon. How do we play?"<br /><br />"Well, you are the Mommy, I am Brandon, and Daddy is dead because he isn't here."<br /><br />You can imagine how I felt when my 4 year old son said this to me. It eventually turned into a talk about his Daddy in the Stars. He said he wanted to throw a party because maybe he would come down from Heaven to visit if we threw him a party. I had to explain that it wasn't possible for him to visit that way, but he can always visit us in our dreams. <br /><br />I always knew the day would come where he would start asking about his Daddy in the Stars but because I am remarried and he has a Daddy here on this Earth I didn't think it would be so soon. But he has been talking so much about death lately and his Daddy in the Stars, I knew a conversation that a 4 year old could understand needed to happen.<br /><br />I never really told him his father was dead, I have always said that he had to go up to Heaven and be with God. However, we do go to church every Sunday and I am sure that the subject of where someone goes when they die has come up. Thankfully you don't have to tell a 4 year old much for the conversation to be over, but it was still hard, very hard. <br /><br />As a parent you never want your children to feel pain or their feelings to be hurt. But when one of the parents dies, it is almost inevitable. No matter what age they are when their parent dies they will experience some sort of hurt from it. I consider myself lucky in a sense. Even though my son wasn't able to build a bond for very long with my husband and doesn't remember him, I am glad he didn't have to experience the pain when his father died. He was oblivious. He was almost one at the time and about a month or so after his daddy passed he stopped asking for him and saying "dada". The pain he will experience is more of a wondering pain. Wishing he knew him. Wondering if he is just like him. I am hoping how my now husband and I are handling things will ease that a bit. We show him pictures, talk about him, and always welcome questions. We even tell him things like, "Your Daddy in the Stars use to do that", or "You look just like your Daddy in the Stars". <br /><br />I always want his memory to be alive in my son and want my son to know just how much he was loved by his Daddy in the Stars as well as his Mommy and Daddy here on Earth.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-1942411066570881272011-01-03T17:30:00.001-08:002011-01-03T18:03:29.226-08:00Out with the old...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpAetk69iFgga-Mtdiv-xEEpiDfvlXYbcOIGJzcLq4woHNi-6yUpOUiBVHNsNYerPUc5jISD7uPH3gyGvf0jbZeneTLyzU3CfOgWGl-fhO36ra1F8TMpRmSLQtFwNdWUzNgflLRwVun_Ca/s1600/Picture+015.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 239px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpAetk69iFgga-Mtdiv-xEEpiDfvlXYbcOIGJzcLq4woHNi-6yUpOUiBVHNsNYerPUc5jISD7uPH3gyGvf0jbZeneTLyzU3CfOgWGl-fhO36ra1F8TMpRmSLQtFwNdWUzNgflLRwVun_Ca/s320/Picture+015.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5558145519035276530" /></a><br />Well it is that time again. Time to take down the lights and the silly blinking figurines outside, put away all the Christmas trinkets and decorations, delicately put away all the ornaments and take down the tree. For most people this is a chance for a fresh start and with the New Year at hand they look at all the possibilities the year may bring.<br /><br />For a widow, at least for this widow, taking down the decorations can be just as sad as putting them up. To top it all off, I also always take this time to clean out the closets and get rid of the old that is never used anymore.<br /><br />As I took down the ornaments I came across an ornament that was given to me and my late husband shortly after we married and on it was written "The Stiles". Then another ornament that said "Always Remembered". I remember when I hung ornaments on my tree when I was younger all the ornaments, well most, had a story and they were all told with a smile. So many great memories of the past years and Christmases. Even though I do have wonderful memories of the few years we were married and the Christmases we had, it saddened me a little and made me miss him. <br /><br />As I started something I always do after taking down and putting away Christmas, I started to go back to a few months after my husband passed away. See I was getting rid of all the toys my son doesn't play with anymore to make room for his new toys. For some reason this took me to when I first started to have to get rid of Brian's things.<br /><br />I was moving out of our house. I knew I couldn't pack it all by myself so I called in reinforcements. My orders were to pack everything, I refused to get rid of anything. However, as I stood in our closet my mom asked what I was doing with his clothes. "I'm taking them", I said. Then she gave me the look. The look I am sure every widow has seen from another loved one. The look that says...I am so sorry, are you sure sweetie, and maybe it is time to let go a little...all rolled up in one. "I'm taking them, and they are going to my closet at the new house." I demanded, as I fought back tears. Then she came to his sock and underwear drawer..."I can get rid of these, right?" Then I just fell to the ground and started to cry. If I got rid of his things then that meant he was REALLY never coming back. He was never going to complain about not having any clean socks to wear, he was never going to come home smelling sour and sweaty after a soccer game, he was never going to complain that the clothes we folded but not put away, he was never....never again. I couldn't bear it. <br /><br />Even now I am brought to tears thinking of it. I know to some people getting rid of old socks is a no-brainer...but when those socks are a reminder of what you had, it makes your heart feel as if it is tearing to shreds inside.<br /><br />So I guess, I am thinking of all of my widowed friends out there. Are they doing some cleaning of the closets after taking down Christmas? Are they crying on the floor not wanting to let go and feeling like their spouse died all of again?<br /><br />Sometimes "out with the old, and in with the new" is a harder concept to wrap your heart around when you are a widow.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-2925018677175174602010-12-26T17:42:00.000-08:002010-12-27T07:05:38.459-08:00No matter how old...I got a phone call today...Well, I got the phone call last night and returned it this afternoon. It was my Grandma Crabtree. One thing I think all of you should know is, I love my family more than anything. So, when I found out why my Grandma called me I was truly touched. She said she was proud of me, which to me is the highest honor anyone could ever give me.<br /><br />Let me take you back a little before I tell you exactly what she told me on the phone...<br /><br />Lately something has been weighing on my heart. I have really been thinking of New Beginnings and where I want it to go, the things I want to do with it, and what I want it to really stand for. When I first started it I was in a very different part of my life. I was still very bitter at how young I was and being a widow. I concentrated so much on my youth and felt no one older than me could REALLY understand what I was feeling. So that is why I wanted my support groups and foundation to focus mainly on Young Widows and Widowers.<br /><br />However, as time has passed and I have seen so many widows and widowers of all different ages connect and inspire each other I am starting to see that we all can relate on some level no matter where we are in life's journey.<br /><br />So, the phone call...My Grandma had spoken to my Aunt Kay over the weekend. My Aunt Kay lost my Uncle this past June and she had said that she had been on my Facebook Page New Beginnings. I had absolutely no idea that she even knew about my Facebook Page, but I was excited when I had heard she knew about it. She told my Grandma how much it has helped her and even though she wasn't a "Young" widow that I had helped her so much through these past few months and it has spoken to her in so many ways. That is when my Grandma told me she was proud of me.<br /><br />The whole reason I started the FB page and the foundation was to help others, inspire people, connect, and to make sure no widow/widower felt alone. I was touched when I found out that I have helped out a family member. Like I said before, I love my family, every single part of it. So to know I helped her, well, there are no words. It reminded me, once again, why I do what I do, but it also reminded me that young or young at heart, we (widows/widowers) all come from a common place, the loss of a loved one.<br /><br />With that being said, I feel as if God is calling me to open the umbrella and remove the "Young" from the foundation's name. I will still have specific support groups for Young Widows and Widowers but will also have support groups for all ages.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-87369432897882542212010-12-22T18:21:00.000-08:002010-12-22T18:39:21.535-08:00Christmas WrappingChristmas shopping for me this year has had a very different feeling than it has had the past three years. This year I actually have some Christmas cheer. I want to listen to the songs on the radio that talk about sleigh rides and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">rockin</span>' around the Christmas Tree. I walk through the stores with a smile on my face and have patience for those on the roads that seem to be in such a hurry to get from store to store. Although, there seems to be a bit of sadness, the weight in my heart has definitely lifted.<br /><br />You see, something came to me as I was wrapping my sons gifts this year. As I carefully taped the wrapping, delicately placed the bow, and signed the tag I was able to write something I never dreamed of writing ever again..."From: Mommy & Daddy". I was filled with a combination of peace and nostalgia. Peace because my son has someone to call "Daddy" again and on Christmas morning I won't be the only one excited to see the excitement in Brandon's eyes while he opens his gifts from Santa. Nostalgia, well, I was thinking of his father. I remember how excited he was on Brandon's first Christmas even though he was only a few weeks old. He talked about all the Christmases to come and how happy he was to be a father and how much he loved Brandon. He truly adored him. I was also thinking of all the Christmases in the past. Brian use to always try to get that one present he knew I wasn't expecting and the joy on his face as I opened each gift was beautiful. On our first Christmas married, we couldn't wait to open our gifts, so we ended up opening all but one on Christmas Eve :) I think we did it just because we could. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">lol</span>.<br /><br />This year I get to actually have a "Merry" Christmas. I get to share in all the joys of Brandon waking up that morning and being so surprised at all the gifts Santa brought him. Most of all, I already received my Christmas gift that I have been asking for these past years...Love.<br /><br />This year I ask one thing from all of my friends, loved ones, and strangers. I wish that everyone appreciates all the love in their life. If you have a husband/wife, cherish them, if you have kids share in the joy and the spirit of the time, and with your family share in the Christmas cheer. Lastly, remember what Christmas is all about. Our Lord and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Saviours</span> Birthday.<br /><br />God Bless and Merry Christmas!All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-77052710636080367112010-12-13T07:10:00.000-08:002010-12-13T07:28:46.124-08:00A friend like mine...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQCGAjdBdhSItWamqhPZ-DfqVu6SzQmke3TN6KhH61Be2DGBYqWnUQ68zyhh9_b9pKvXLdLwMpm747JGg2KSLS3Jq7PmoJGm-759Ic4yk4enGlEYvnevNi4eKpdPoJt6YJmu31tD7ysRr7/s1600/Bike+Run+2010.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQCGAjdBdhSItWamqhPZ-DfqVu6SzQmke3TN6KhH61Be2DGBYqWnUQ68zyhh9_b9pKvXLdLwMpm747JGg2KSLS3Jq7PmoJGm-759Ic4yk4enGlEYvnevNi4eKpdPoJt6YJmu31tD7ysRr7/s320/Bike+Run+2010.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5550189063771335570" border="0" /></a><br />Last weekend I had the chance to spend some time with a good friend, Olivia, and do the Bike Run for Tots. It was the second time I had done it with her and it made me flash back to three years ago when I did it with her the first time as well as the two weeks prior.<br /><br />See, my husband passed away the day before Thanksgiving. At the time I was still in school. Olivia and I only lived one street over from each other and we always rode to school with each other every morning. A week and a half after my husband passed I went back to school. Olivia insisted that she drove me that day and thank God she did. As we pulled up to school and parked in the parking lot I started crying. "I can't do this. I can't go in there. I don't want to be the girl who just lost her husband. Everyone is going to ask questions. I don't want to do it, I can't." Olivia, being the amazing friend that she is said, "Brooke you can do it. You are strong. I promise I will make sure no one asks you about it. I am here with you the whole entire way. And if you really feel like you can't do it, we will turn around and go straight back home. Just try." I really feel like it is because of all of the encouraging words she gave to me on a day to day basis was one of the main reasons why I was able to make it to school most of the time.<br /><br />Olivia always tried to make sure I laughed or atleast smiled everyday and two weeks after my husband passed away she decided that I needed to do something fun and forget about things for a while. So she said I was going to do the Bike run with her wether I like it or not. The catch...instead of riding motorcycles like everyone else, we were going to ride scooters. Leave it to her to turn a fun thing into something more exciting. I don't think I had laughed that much on that day than I have in a long time and it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. Something about crowds of people cheering as they see the scooters come speeding (I use that term loosly) by, loader than for the motorcycles.<br /><br />This year was no exception. Not only did we rent scooters again but we all dressed in tacky Christmas sweaters and I wore a goofy hat :)<br /><br />The thing is she did stuff like this all the time. Always making sure she trhough a little spice in my life and because of that I am forever thankful for her.<br /><br />So for Christmas I wish for all the widows and widowers out there to have a friend like Olivia that will lift their spirits and make them laugh the whole year. Hugs to all my widow friends and an extra tight hug to my friend Olivia. Thank you girl! Love you!All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-68318804803739188872010-11-08T11:52:00.000-08:002010-11-08T13:42:47.753-08:00Wedding AnniversaryMy five year wedding anniversary with my late husband would have been this past Friday, November 5. As horrible as the past few anniversaries had been, this one seemed to not be as bad. Then again, I am in a much different place. However, anniversaries sure do drum up a lot of memories and shattered dreams as well as wonder of what life would have been like if he had never passed.<br /><br />Since I have an amazing husband now, he took me out to dinner for the occasion. Not only that, but it was the same restaurant that my late husband, Brian, took me to the night of our engagement. Funny thing was, the hostess sat us at the very same table Brian and I sat at that night. My now husband, Brian, said, "He is saying hi sweetie." Now some may think it is weird for my now husband to be taking me out for my 5 year wedding anniversary with my late husband, but since we both lost our spouses we both know that it isn't about being sad it is about celebrating what we had. May I say, there is a lot to be said about a man who can do that and not be the least bit jealous or feel inferior.<br /><br />That night Brian and I talked about my relationship/marriage with late Brian. I laughed about some of the stories and in my mind realized how much things have changed and how much I have changed. One thing I realized. Besides a few stories and a toast I made in his memory, even though that night was about celebrating my marriage with my late husband, that evening was spent mostly thinking about how lucky I am to be where I am right now. Yes, what happened with my late husband was devastating and if I could have him here today I would, but my life has not only made a 180 but it has turned out to be a good 180. (Not that where I was before wasn't good. I loved my husband and the life we had)<br /><br />Not only did my late husband inspire me when he was alive, but he has inspired me in his death as well. After I came out of the cloud of devastation and decided to go on with my life so many wonderful things have happened. I took full notice of who I was and decided on who I wanted to be. Wanting to always make a difference, I found that helping others through the loss of their loved one was how I was going to do that. That is how New Beginnings was born. I also decided to be a better person over all. I have recently been baptized and am a member of a wonderful Church. I try my hardest to be a better wife that I was before. Not that I wasn't a good wife, but I didn't appreciate fully what I had.<br /><br />I truly am blessed in my life now. I have an amazing husband and son, not to mention that life has so many promises now and I am so excited about life and all of its journeys it will take me on. People always say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." How true that statement is for me and how great would the world be if everyone lived by that. Granted, we don't all have to be happy about the lemons, but without them we wouldn't know how great lemonade is...Does that make sense to anyone? In simpler words, without loss how can we appreciate the gain?<br /><br />So let me make a toast....<br /><br />To Brian. A wonderful husband, father, and friend. Although we didn't make it to our 5 year anniversary, you still inspire me to this day. You inspire me to help others and to be a good person. My only hope is that you are looking down on me and are proud that I was your wife and proud of all the accomplishments I have made before and after your passing. You will forever be in my heart. Love you.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-39743354184825167392010-10-08T08:43:00.000-07:002010-10-08T09:09:15.393-07:00Another LossWhen you go through a tragedy as big as say loosing your husband and father of your child you kind of in the back of your mind think or at least pray that you will never have to be faced with difficulties again, or at least for a long, long time. However, unfortunately such is not true. Sometimes people are faced with difficulties and tragedies more than once or twice.<br /><br />After I met my now husband I finally thought that I was going to get my happily ever after. Why wouldn't I feel that way? My sister and my parents have theirs, what made me any less worthy. I am a good person, at least I strongly think I am, I go to church and truly try to live my life as a good christian, I love my husband, my son, and my family. I care about others and always try, sometimes too hard, to see the good in people and things. (My co-workers call it living in Brookeland)<br /><br />So when my husband and I found out that we were pregnant we were so excited. Not only would it be our first child together, it would be my husbands first biological child. I couldn't wait to start to be able to see my little one growing in my belly and telling all my family and friends and celebrating a wonderful gift. Then when my body started changing a little, and my belly started peaking out a little I got even more excited. Since I am kind of scrony and it is my second pregnancy a little pooch showed soon. I even had to buy some new cloths since some of mine already weren't fitting.<br /><br />Then I went for my first doctors appointment. I had some issues that had concerned me, but other women had told me they had those issues during their pregnancies and they were fine, so it gave me a little comfort. The doctor had some concerns so ordered blood work and an ultrasound. The doctor said at 6 weeks we should be able to see a heartbeat through the ultrasound and make sure everything was okay.<br /><br />No heart beat.<br /><br />I was upset but held it together because the ultrasound tech said I only measured at 5.5 weeks and it may be too soon...So on to the blood work once that day and another one 48 hours later to check my hormone levels. Friday I go the call from the doctor saying that my hormone levels had doubled but she had some concerns about the ultrasound and ordered another one for Monday.<br /><br />Monday...no heartbeat and measured at 7.5 weeks, A two week jump in size in only a week.<br /><br />Basically the baby was growing but not a viable pregnancy. There was no structure and most importantly no heartbeat. Since I wasn't miscarrying on my own I had surgery yesterday to have the baby removed (D&C).<br /><br />It is so amazing how many emotions come along with loosing a child you never met. You almost feel like a failure and question everything you did or didn't do or even wonder if you are being punished for something you have done in your past.<br /><br />I wanted a baby so badly. I finally felt like life was finally moving on for me and everything was going to be ok. But once again I am not okay. Why is it that people who have no business having children have babies every day but I wasn't able to have this one?<br /><br />I know everything happens for a reason, and God only gives us what we handle...but seriously, can I get a vacation from things happening and God thinking I am so strong. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life like most of my friends and family sometimes.<br /><br />I will say on a positive note. My husband has been amazing and so has my family and friends. Thank God for a strong support system.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-78429439027819712722010-09-23T10:50:00.000-07:002010-09-23T11:00:41.128-07:00I didn't plan on doing this alone.As I look back after my husband passed away I remember how much I struggled with wanting to be both parents to my son. I believed in my heart that he deserved to have both parents not just one, so I tried having split personalities for a while...as you can imagine it didn't work out too well.<br /><br />I ended up driving myself crazy and constantly feeling bad because I was always coming up short. It would get to the point that I would be so exhausted from trying to do it all that by the end of the day I was so impatient and short fused that I was constantly irritated by my son. Then after he went to bed I would cry myself to sleep because I wasn't patient enough and in my head was a bad mommy.<br /><br />Then I think one day I just stopped trying so hard. I was just me. I was loving and patient and even though I didn't have the daddy voice that I was constantly told that I needed, I found my own ways of disciplining that worked for me and not someone I wasn't. After that I enjoyed my son so much more, we would go on walks together and laugh and bath time was about making things out of bubbles and sticking letters and numbers on the wall.<br /><br />It was so hard holding all the weight of grieving and trying to be both parents. There is a reason it takes two people to have a child, because one person can't have it all. Granted I can do it on my own, but I am not a man nor will I ever be. I am a woman, a loving, caring, compassionate woman. I have learned to get my hands a little dirty like a man, but I will never again try to play a man's role as a father. I am me, no one else, and I am pretty darn good at being me too :)All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-53346412680597047332010-08-29T10:55:00.000-07:002010-08-29T11:17:37.698-07:00Today is the day...Today is the day.<br /><br />It is the day that I will walk into the waters with sin, a broken heart, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, and hate. I will walk into the waters with all of my mistakes and with all of my achievements. I will walk in knowing that when I walk out I will be changed.<br /><br />Today is the day that I will have the chance to show the world the commitment that I have made on the inside. I will rise out of the waters with strength, courage, love, cleansed of my hate and selfishness, envy and jealousy. I will have asked for forgiveness of all of my mistakes. I will walk out wiser, learning from my failures and continuing on with my achievements.<br /><br />Today I know all the wrongs I have made in my life, but in a few hours that life will have been washed away.<br /><br />Since this is a blog that I have created as a widow and for widows and widowers you might ask how this has anything to do with the fact that I lost my husband and the despair I was faced with. I will answer with this, it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I am a widow. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that my life was rocked in ways unimaginable.<br /><br />When my husband passed away I felt alone in more ways than I can describe. I was so angry with God asking him how he could do this to our son, to me, to his mother and father, to his sisters, and to his wonderful friends. How he could take such an important person from my life and leave me to pick up the pieces alone. I cursed God and I questioned his powers. I was done with him and I could do without.<br /><br />Man, did God prove me wrong. Even though I didn't see it at the time, he helped me pick up the pieces. He did it silently, but his presence was strong. He kept me safe from more despair knowing that I had met my limits. He prepped me before my husbands death and held me after. I didn't see him beside me because I didn't want to know him at that time.<br /><br />I had a good friend whose faith was strong but never pushed it on me. However she did always tell me this. "It is okay to be angry with God. He expects it, if he didn't, he would have never created the emotion. He can handle whatever you throw at him. No matter what, he will be there. He is with you now, and will be there for you when you are ready." She said this to me on many occasions, especially when I asked her how she could have so much faith after God had taken her husband and the father of her daughter and her unborn son.<br /><br />Now, almost three years later, I still don't understand why God had to take my dear husband from me and our son. However, I can see how he was there for me. Keeping me from buying a house that in a few months flooded from a hurricane, how he told me to go back to school before my husband passed, how he gave me hope through my son's eyes.<br /><br />Now I can see him and all his glory. I didn't see it then, but now I see how beautiful his mercy is.<br /><br />Today is the day that I get baptized.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-55211657864253422042010-08-09T09:57:00.000-07:002010-08-26T13:08:58.334-07:00The day draws nearAs the first day of my support group draws nearer, I am faced with a whole lot of fears and feelings. I have been going to training classes for the past three weeks and it has made me realize how much responsibility I have taken on. Don't get me wrong, I am completely up for the challenge and am so excited about everything that has been happening these past 9 months. However, I have so many doubts and fears and I just pray that I am able to support and inspire people the way they need to be.<br /><br />One good thing I have learned from all of my training an experiences leading up to now is that I am doing something I was called to do. My efforts are not selfish, they are pure. My only want is to give people hope and support. Even if it is only one person, then I have accomplished my goal. Would I LOVE to touch all the widows and widowers out there, of course, but only because I don't want them to feel alone. I have been so blessed to be touched by so many different people for so many different ways that I just want to share and spread the blessings.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-87802437314681264812010-07-30T13:46:00.000-07:002010-07-30T14:04:34.368-07:00Something About A WidowThere is something about being a widow that changes you from the core forever. Even if you do remarry you still feel as if you still have the title.<br /><br />The whole experience is life changing, no doubt. The whole world is suddenly thrusted on your shoulders and you struggle to stand. Then one day you realize the load doesn't feel so heavy on your shoulders, although it still weighs on your heart. I am not sure the weight on your heart ever really lightens. Then, everyday life is easier to get through and before you know it, it has almost been three years and you are remarried and your son calls someone else daddy.<br /><br />Although I am now a Mrs. again, I feel as if I hold two titles and not one. My experiences as a widow have made me so much stronger and so much more self-sufficient. Which at times can be a catalyst for disagreements with my now spouse. "I can do it all by myself, I don't need help. I did it for almost two years just fine." One of my favorite lines. The reality of it is, I don't have to do it all by myself anymore and I have to let go and share the pants in the relationship.<br /><br />It is so hard though. It is hard to let go of all the choices being yours, and not having to consult anyone. Which is funny because not having someone to help me with decisions was one thing I mostly struggled with when I first lost my husband.<br /><br />When I think of myself the song, "I am Superwoman" by Alicia Keys comes to mind. That is who I had to be for so long, but now it is time to hang up the cape. Well, maybe I can turn it into a cute dress instead :)All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-79467029992168581662010-07-22T08:35:00.000-07:002010-07-22T09:07:52.727-07:00DareI have dared to believe that there is more out there in the world for me. That tragedy wasn't going to be the last page in my book. That my heart would know what true love felt like again. As daring as that might have seemed two, almost three, years ago, today it feels all too possible.<br /><br />As fantastic as it is that tragedy wasn't my last page, I still feels as if I am in a surreal dream at times. My life is so different than it was or how I thought it was going to be before my husband passed away. I watch videos and look at pictures and that life feels like a distant memory. I can't help but feel sad sometimes to think of it all. My late husband and I had a wonderful life and I may never know why it all had to end.<br /><br />People to this day tell me how strong I am and that they just don't feel as if they could have risen to the occasion like I did. As proud as I should be, I am not. I feel like it was my duty as a mother to do what I did. I don't feel I ever woke up in the morning because I wanted to, it was more because I had to. I realized that life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but tried my best to make my son feel like it was. <br /><br />If I am going to be honest, I hated every second of it. I hated waking up and having to get out of bed. I hated putting on my happy face just so everyone would stop feeling so sorry for me. I hated feeling so lonely that I could literally feel my heart tearing to shreds in my chest. Most of all, I hated the fact that my late husband wouldn't get the chance to be a wonderful father to our son longer and that our son would never really know his father. My heart still breaks a little to think of it now.<br /><br />Today I am struggling with how I felt about my life then and my late husband and how I feel now with my new life and my new husband. I would be lieing to say I never compare the two, especially since the two lives are so very different from each other. I don't compare to judge. I compare to see how much things can change. How you can love two very different people the same. How a father and a man who has become a father can love the same little boy just as much as the other person.<br /><br />I guess my struggle is that I loved my husband so much and the life we had that I feel guilty for loving my now husband so much and the life that we have. My husband now is so amazing and his struggles in life alone have made him such an amazing friend, lover, and father. We have such a common ground and understanding for each other that is unexplainable.<br /><br />I dared to dream. Lucky for me all of my dreams are still coming true. They might not be exactly how I pictured them, but they are happening right before my eyes. I have an amazing husband, a son I adore, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence :) As hard as it may be for me to believe sometimes, I am happy again. Happy is good especially after so much hurt. <br /><br />So I guess what I am saying is, dare to dream. Dare to believe that through the dirt and the rubble lay greener pastures ahead. Because one day you will sit there like I am sitting here right now in amazement that all your dreams and hopes did come true.<br /><br />Now I just need to learn to let the happiness sit comfortably :)All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-13706206106807202492010-06-20T18:37:00.000-07:002010-06-20T19:12:04.984-07:00Father's DayAs I looked at my son this morning I couldn't help but thank God for how he has blessed our lives with my now husband, Brian. These passed 2 and a half years have been hard, especially when I thought of my son not having a father.<br /><br />When my late husband, Brian, was alive he would talk about all the things he was going to do with him. He couldn't wait to take him fishing for the first time, teach him how to catch a ball, teach him how to play different sports, go on his first camping trip, and take him kayaking in the river. He was so encouraging and was Brandon's biggest fan, well next to me that is. :) He took tons of videos of him and would light up when he would say "da da" or do something for the first time. Brandon and I use to greet him by the door most days when he got home from work and Brian couldn't wait to have him in his arms.<br /><br />Even though my son got plenty of love and affection from me these past two years, he was missing a very important part in his life. Part of me thinks he knew it, and part of me hoped he didn't.<br /><br />I was scared at first of doing it all on my own. How on earth can I teach him how to do all of the things his father so badly wanted to teach him? Was I able to take him to do the things that his father dreamed of doing with him? Then I was angry that my son was deprived that experience, besides he was one week away from his first birthday when my husband, his father passed away suddenly. Finally I accepted it all. I figured if it was just me, then I had to rise to the challenge and be both of us wrapped up in one. Granted I had tons of help from family members and friends, but at the end of the day it was just me and my little man.<br /><br />This year though is different. This year Brandon and I have an amazing man who came into our lives when we least expected it and became an important piece in our family. My now husband, Brian, is Brandon's Daddy. He loves him as if he was his own...and today was his first Father's Day.<br /><br />I made him breakfast, he opened his gift from Brandon, we went to church, had lunch with friends, and then had a wonderful evening with my sister and her family. It was the way Father's Day should be and I finally have that again. Then that evening my husband and I sat down with Brandon and looked at pictures and videos of my late husband and we talked about how much he loves Brandon and what a great father he was. It truly was a wonderful moment. I am truly blessed to have a man in my life who isn't intimidated by the memory of my late husband and wants my son to know who he was and how much he loved and still loves him.<br /><br />This Father's Day I celebrate the wonderful father my late husband was and the wonderful father my now husband is. Brandon and I have been blessed with two amazing men. God Bless the both of them.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-20795048147690896592010-06-17T18:08:00.000-07:002010-06-17T18:36:15.397-07:00The Wedding DressSo I have to admit...getting rid of material things has been the hardest thing for me of the moving on process. It took my now husband moving in for me to finally get rid of all of his clothes. Plus, a few nights of sorting through other material things until I was finally left with a memory box and...my wedding dress.<br /><br />I just recently remarried...two weeks ago to be exact. My photographer/friend had asked me if I wanted to do a trash the dress session with her. I told her that I just could never trash my wedding dress...and then Brian chimed in, "You could do a trash the dress with your old wedding dress."<br /><br />My heart sunk into my stomach. "No! I can't do that."<br /><br />Then the long discussion began between the two of us of why I couldn't get rid of my old wedding dress. "It's not like our daughter, if we have one, is ever going to wear it." Brian said.<br /><br />I guess I thought he would understand, besides, he lost his spouse too. Even though I knew people grieved differently and held on to different things, I guess I just assumed he would agree with me. That was not the case.<br /><br />A wedding dress to me is a symbol of who I was at that time and how much I loved him. I was so innocent and naive. The world revolved around him. He was all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in one man. I dreamed of one day our daughter wearing it on her wedding day as most girls do I am sure. It was so perfect in every way. Unfortunately, most of those hopes and dreams died right along with him, the world stopped turning, and I knew I would never have a daughter that would wear that dress.<br /><br />Now I have a new wedding dress that I wore on our special day. New hopes and dreams have been made and the sun sets and rises with a new man. My new wedding dress is reminiscent of the woman I am now. Strong, sophisticated, not so naive, but also delicate and soft.<br /><br />So why do I have such a hard time letting go? To me, it really is the last thing I have been holding on to that I probably should let go of. Thinking of getting rid of it really solidifies everything that has happened these past two and a half years. You know what, sometimes that is hard to swallow. It is hard to let go of that innocence and beauty.<br /><br />I know that in no way me letting go of that dress means that I have forgotten about our love and what an amazing father and husband he was. I can still see his smile plain as day and his laugh as if he was still here. By no means does me "trashing the dress" mean I am trashing what we had...besides, women do a "trash the dress" all the time for fun and to wear the dress one last time while their husbands are alive.<br /><br />Hopefully one day this lump in my throat will be gone when I think of getting rid of it, but for now...<br /><br />I love my now husband with all of my heart and I never want to make him feel like I haven't let go of my life with my late husband...because I have. I also never want him to feel like no.2 when he is so no. 1 in my life. I guess letting go of that dress should probably be easier for me, especially considering where I am in my life right now, but for some reason it is just hard to think of I guess.<br />____________________________________________________________________<br /><br />You know what is weird...after just proof-reading everything I just wrote, I think I might be able to let go. Maybe I just needed to get that all out there. Even though it might be hard, wearing it one last time for a "trash the dress" session might be fun and therapeutic. We will see.All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-69666772865607469092010-05-13T20:05:00.000-07:002010-05-13T20:18:04.512-07:00Just say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhI must say, I am a much different person now than I was before my husband passed away. I have way more faith in my abilities than I ever use to and well, I just feel like I am a better person. Granted I am not too fond of the person I was right after Brian passed away, but after a year I'd say I had grown.<br /><br />One thing I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore is complain too much. I was actually complaining when my husband dropped unexpectedly. However, I find myself getting back into the same old routine of complaining about meaningless (well not completely) stuff. I am getting married again soon and the last thing I want to be is a nagging wife again. I am not saying I complained all the time, I just STRESSED OUT about everything. Everything had to be perfect.<br /><br />I guess it is easier to say you won't complain when you don't have a spouse to complain to. I need to relax. I need to get back to the place where I know I can't control everything. I need to remember that not everyone in this world is nice and has good intentions...and breathhhhhh.<br /><br />I know I have a lot going on in my life right now, and lets face it planning a wedding is more stressful than we would like to admit sometimes. But, I don't ever want to take the chance of the last words someone hears coming out of my mouth are those words of complaint. I don't ever want to feel like I didn't get to say "I love you" or "You are amazing" or "Thank you".<br /><br />I want so badly to be a wonderful wife and mother. I just hope I can get back to not stressing out so much and enjoy what I have while I have it.<br /><br />As my sister would put it..."Just say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1544859179101244099.post-82759531427201182422010-05-11T18:10:00.000-07:002010-05-11T18:37:07.550-07:00Mother's Day<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic4HpR0Wo6lrtZywdOQOE6F-SBFxr462N1oRgWpwt0pGmINbKyQtYmMvlbX3y4UmszD-CpF4CZU2FdVc2_w96e5RgPxmdE5MPFMZGEgd9qib_GHvvJWA42Z7EHsx-zbvQLmETje4wWy4yu/s1600/HPIM1276.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 239px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic4HpR0Wo6lrtZywdOQOE6F-SBFxr462N1oRgWpwt0pGmINbKyQtYmMvlbX3y4UmszD-CpF4CZU2FdVc2_w96e5RgPxmdE5MPFMZGEgd9qib_GHvvJWA42Z7EHsx-zbvQLmETje4wWy4yu/s320/HPIM1276.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5470191296639529730" border="0" /></a><br />Mother's Day is a day where the Mother gets showered with love and appreciation and a little gift to show we care. It is a day that moms all over look forward to.<br /><br />To me, Mother's Day has a different feeling. I only got to celebrate one Mother's Day where my husband showed his appreciation for all that I do and a gift from our then 5 1/2 month old son.<br /><br />Since my husband passed away one week shy from our son's first birthday the past two Mother's Day brought on different feeling than appreciation and happiness.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong. I love my son with all of my heart and having him in my life was my saving grace. He is and always will be my angel. However, when your spouse isn't around to make you breakfast in bed, have a card and flowers waiting for you, or just the sweet sound of him saying "Happy Mother's Day" to you when you open your eyes, Mother's Day tends to be bittersweet.<br /><br />The past two years I would of course spend the day doing something special with my little man, but I always wondered what it would have been like if my husband was still here. What would he of planned? Would he have forgotten as some men do :) ? I tried to recall my one and only Mother's Day with him still here and it seems like a faint memory. We took Brandon to my Mom and Dad's house for his first pool experience. I remember he wasn't too sure about it at first, but once we put him in a floaty he was in heaven :) I had such a great day that day, the best first Mother's Day ever.<br /><br />This year I had someone to spend it with. Someone my son sees as his Daddy. They went off and shopped for a gift for me together and everything. What made this year special was that I felt like a family again, which probably is the best Mother's Day gift anyone could ever give me. The only person I have to thank for that is God.<br /><br />So this year I feel blessed and thankful for the life and family I have. Although I will never forget the wonderful memory of what a great husband Brian was and how special he made me feel as a Mother, I look forward to many more years of celebration with my soon to be hubby and my son :)All-American MommyLandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11446410646302170769noreply@blogger.com2