Monday, November 21, 2011

How much life changes in a blink of an eye. It has been four years since Brian has passed but it seems as if it was just yesterday he was here. At the same time I feel like my life has changed so much since then that the girl I was that day is a distant memory.

As I always tell my fellow widows/widowers...the anticipation of the anniversary is always worse then the actual day usually turns out. Which in normal fashion I have had anxiety all this month, sometimes about normal everyday stuff and sometimes as I thought about my late husband and that day. Today, although nothing like I had planned it to be, was just like any other day. I had hoped to make it to the zoo, but with the weather and how I have been feeling being pregnant and all the zoo will have to come another day.

I still can't believe that in four years I have remarried and am now expecting a little girl with my recent husband. I look back and if you would have asked me a few years ago if I would ever love again and get married, I would have told you I might love but not the way I loved Brian, and marriage was never going to happen again. Funny thing is, I love so deeply for my now husband and feel lucky that God has given me a second chance with the whole family thing. I use to feel robbed, but now I feel blessed. Blessed that I have grown and learned from that tragic day. Blessed that instead of letting that day/moment define me, I let it mold me into a better person and bring me closer to God.

They always say that every situation is what you make of it. Well I find that saying very true. Although I still miss Brian dearly and wish he was here so that Brandon could know his daddy more intimately, I know that everything is going to be okay and that life really does go on.

These past four years I have cried, been broken, laughed, and put back together again. I have leaned on my family members more than I would have liked to and many friends who didn't have to be there for me wiped tears from my face. I know that not everyone is as blessed as I am and I thank God everyday for each and every person who is and was in my life. I also thank God for all those who loved Brian dearly whether they were family, friends that felt like family, or acquaintances.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Almighty Healer

It was brought to my attention that I have not updated my blog lately about our precious Bryn...

When you are pregnant and you go for the ultrasound where you learn the sex of you baby along with how he/she is growing and that all is well. Really the only emotion that ever came to mind was excitement. So when I was told the next morning that they wanted to take a better look at her heart I felt like I was hit by a truck. Then instead of getting the relief that all was well, I was told that she may need surgery right after or soon after she was born due to a significantly large hole.

For the next two and a half months I went to doctor visit after doctor visit waiting for someone to give me an answer or a plan on what is going to be done and when. However instead I got one doctor telling me one thing and another telling me something completely different.

So, for my latest Cardiology appointment and Perinatal appointment they finally both agreed. The hole was gone.

I didn't understand. I still was a little scared and really didn't know how to feel. As I broke down in the doctor's office and asked him "What does this mean?" He simply replied with, "This means it is time for you to stop worrying and to start enjoying being pregnant and start getting excited about your little girl." The tears were part relief and part frustration all in one.

There is only one explanation that I can come up with, God. How can a hole that large suddenly disappear? I had two doctors see it and then the third couldn't see it. It was if it had never had been there in the first place. I know some may say that it could have been a mistake, but I'd rather think of it as an act from our Almighty Healer. Sometimes science can't explain everything and I am fine with that. Sometimes an explanation really isn't needed

I hate to admit this but until that news I was having a hard time being truly excited about being pregnant. I couldn't bear the thought of our little girl needing surgery or even the possibility of loosing her, so I was a bit disconnected. I was afraid to love her too much and then loose her. I didn't want to buy clothes or get her room ready. I didn't want to really do anything to prepare because I was scared. My husband had to push to start getting her room together.

I will say, as sad as it was for my husband to hear how I was feeling and how I had a hard time connecting, he never made me feel bad about it. He just encouraged me to have faith that everything was going to be okay. I didn't really tell anyone but him how I felt, and I am so glad that my husband was all I needed to get through those feelings. He had more faith than me, and I love him more because of that.

So now I am super excited about our up and coming gift even more than I was when I first found out I was pregnant. Plus I was taught a valuable lesson. Just because I have been through some bad things in my life and I have suffered great loss, that doesn't mean I should loose all faith that something that starts off sounding bad can have a good outcome. He will take care of us, even when we feel like there is nothing that can be done. You would think I would have learned that lesson already, but sometimes we need a little reminder :)

8 more weeks till Bryn makes her debut!