Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

As I looked at my son this morning I couldn't help but thank God for how he has blessed our lives with my now husband, Brian. These passed 2 and a half years have been hard, especially when I thought of my son not having a father.

When my late husband, Brian, was alive he would talk about all the things he was going to do with him. He couldn't wait to take him fishing for the first time, teach him how to catch a ball, teach him how to play different sports, go on his first camping trip, and take him kayaking in the river. He was so encouraging and was Brandon's biggest fan, well next to me that is. :) He took tons of videos of him and would light up when he would say "da da" or do something for the first time. Brandon and I use to greet him by the door most days when he got home from work and Brian couldn't wait to have him in his arms.

Even though my son got plenty of love and affection from me these past two years, he was missing a very important part in his life. Part of me thinks he knew it, and part of me hoped he didn't.

I was scared at first of doing it all on my own. How on earth can I teach him how to do all of the things his father so badly wanted to teach him? Was I able to take him to do the things that his father dreamed of doing with him? Then I was angry that my son was deprived that experience, besides he was one week away from his first birthday when my husband, his father passed away suddenly. Finally I accepted it all. I figured if it was just me, then I had to rise to the challenge and be both of us wrapped up in one. Granted I had tons of help from family members and friends, but at the end of the day it was just me and my little man.

This year though is different. This year Brandon and I have an amazing man who came into our lives when we least expected it and became an important piece in our family. My now husband, Brian, is Brandon's Daddy. He loves him as if he was his own...and today was his first Father's Day.

I made him breakfast, he opened his gift from Brandon, we went to church, had lunch with friends, and then had a wonderful evening with my sister and her family. It was the way Father's Day should be and I finally have that again. Then that evening my husband and I sat down with Brandon and looked at pictures and videos of my late husband and we talked about how much he loves Brandon and what a great father he was. It truly was a wonderful moment. I am truly blessed to have a man in my life who isn't intimidated by the memory of my late husband and wants my son to know who he was and how much he loved and still loves him.

This Father's Day I celebrate the wonderful father my late husband was and the wonderful father my now husband is. Brandon and I have been blessed with two amazing men. God Bless the both of them.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Wedding Dress

So I have to admit...getting rid of material things has been the hardest thing for me of the moving on process. It took my now husband moving in for me to finally get rid of all of his clothes. Plus, a few nights of sorting through other material things until I was finally left with a memory box wedding dress.

I just recently remarried...two weeks ago to be exact. My photographer/friend had asked me if I wanted to do a trash the dress session with her. I told her that I just could never trash my wedding dress...and then Brian chimed in, "You could do a trash the dress with your old wedding dress."

My heart sunk into my stomach. "No! I can't do that."

Then the long discussion began between the two of us of why I couldn't get rid of my old wedding dress. "It's not like our daughter, if we have one, is ever going to wear it." Brian said.

I guess I thought he would understand, besides, he lost his spouse too. Even though I knew people grieved differently and held on to different things, I guess I just assumed he would agree with me. That was not the case.

A wedding dress to me is a symbol of who I was at that time and how much I loved him. I was so innocent and naive. The world revolved around him. He was all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in one man. I dreamed of one day our daughter wearing it on her wedding day as most girls do I am sure. It was so perfect in every way. Unfortunately, most of those hopes and dreams died right along with him, the world stopped turning, and I knew I would never have a daughter that would wear that dress.

Now I have a new wedding dress that I wore on our special day. New hopes and dreams have been made and the sun sets and rises with a new man. My new wedding dress is reminiscent of the woman I am now. Strong, sophisticated, not so naive, but also delicate and soft.

So why do I have such a hard time letting go? To me, it really is the last thing I have been holding on to that I probably should let go of. Thinking of getting rid of it really solidifies everything that has happened these past two and a half years. You know what, sometimes that is hard to swallow. It is hard to let go of that innocence and beauty.

I know that in no way me letting go of that dress means that I have forgotten about our love and what an amazing father and husband he was. I can still see his smile plain as day and his laugh as if he was still here. By no means does me "trashing the dress" mean I am trashing what we had...besides, women do a "trash the dress" all the time for fun and to wear the dress one last time while their husbands are alive.

Hopefully one day this lump in my throat will be gone when I think of getting rid of it, but for now...

I love my now husband with all of my heart and I never want to make him feel like I haven't let go of my life with my late husband...because I have. I also never want him to feel like no.2 when he is so no. 1 in my life. I guess letting go of that dress should probably be easier for me, especially considering where I am in my life right now, but for some reason it is just hard to think of I guess.

You know what is weird...after just proof-reading everything I just wrote, I think I might be able to let go. Maybe I just needed to get that all out there. Even though it might be hard, wearing it one last time for a "trash the dress" session might be fun and therapeutic. We will see.