So I have to admit...getting rid of material things has been the hardest thing for me of the moving on process. It took my now husband moving in for me to finally get rid of all of his clothes. Plus, a few nights of sorting through other material things until I was finally left with a memory box and...my wedding dress.
I just recently remarried...two weeks ago to be exact. My photographer/friend had asked me if I wanted to do a trash the dress session with her. I told her that I just could never trash my wedding dress...and then Brian chimed in, "You could do a trash the dress with your old wedding dress."
My heart sunk into my stomach. "No! I can't do that."
Then the long discussion began between the two of us of why I couldn't get rid of my old wedding dress. "It's not like our daughter, if we have one, is ever going to wear it." Brian said.
I guess I thought he would understand, besides, he lost his spouse too. Even though I knew people grieved differently and held on to different things, I guess I just assumed he would agree with me. That was not the case.
A wedding dress to me is a symbol of who I was at that time and how much I loved him. I was so innocent and naive. The world revolved around him. He was all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in one man. I dreamed of one day our daughter wearing it on her wedding day as most girls do I am sure. It was so perfect in every way. Unfortunately, most of those hopes and dreams died right along with him, the world stopped turning, and I knew I would never have a daughter that would wear that dress.
Now I have a new wedding dress that I wore on our special day. New hopes and dreams have been made and the sun sets and rises with a new man. My new wedding dress is reminiscent of the woman I am now. Strong, sophisticated, not so naive, but also delicate and soft.
So why do I have such a hard time letting go? To me, it really is the last thing I have been holding on to that I probably should let go of. Thinking of getting rid of it really solidifies everything that has happened these past two and a half years. You know what, sometimes that is hard to swallow. It is hard to let go of that innocence and beauty.
I know that in no way me letting go of that dress means that I have forgotten about our love and what an amazing father and husband he was. I can still see his smile plain as day and his laugh as if he was still here. By no means does me "trashing the dress" mean I am trashing what we had...besides, women do a "trash the dress" all the time for fun and to wear the dress one last time while their husbands are alive.
Hopefully one day this lump in my throat will be gone when I think of getting rid of it, but for now...
I love my now husband with all of my heart and I never want to make him feel like I haven't let go of my life with my late husband...because I have. I also never want him to feel like no.2 when he is so no. 1 in my life. I guess letting go of that dress should probably be easier for me, especially considering where I am in my life right now, but for some reason it is just hard to think of I guess.
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You know what is weird...after just proof-reading everything I just wrote, I think I might be able to let go. Maybe I just needed to get that all out there. Even though it might be hard, wearing it one last time for a "trash the dress" session might be fun and therapeutic. We will see.
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You are braver than I. Don't know if I could put it back on again. You seem to amaze me more and more with your strengths and how different they are from my own. Like you said, different folks, different strokes. Muah.
ReplyDeletemy heart breaks reading this, I couldn't let go of my dress either I think it would feel like I was erasing that part of my life and even having moved on I don't want to erase it.
ReplyDeleteMichelle - Thank you. Together we can get through anything with your strengths and mine. You have held be up and brightened my days more than I can count. I love you.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - That is how I felt, I thought I would be erasing it all. But then I realized, I have pictures and memories to last me a lifetime. The dress sits in a box in the closet untouched and unopened. It is almost like I am keeping it just because I am afraid of letting go of it. Think of it as a celebratory way of letting go of it and putting it on for one last harah!
Instead of 'trashing' it- though I do love those sessions- why not do something wonderful with it? I'm sure you could find an organization or group where a woman is planning a wonderful wedding...without the funds to buy the dress of her dreams? Your dress could be HER new beginning.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide, it will be hard, but everyone knows that you will never be letting go of your love for your late husband. :)
~cousin Amber
Amber - Thank you so much for your support by reading my blog. It truely touches me.
ReplyDeleteI love your idea about donating the dress...what a wonderful way to let go. I will let you know what I end up doing :) Love you!
Don't trash it. Maybe Brandon's bride will wear in one day or a grandaughter. I don't want you to have regrets about letting it go. I still have my wedding dress from 34 years ago. I saved it for me...not anyone else. I love you...
ReplyDeleteDon't trash it! My mom saved her wedding dress and we've all saved ours. If you had divorced and this was "that" dress, I might say differently but, with your marriage ending in such tragedy I say keep it. Like your Mom said, maybe your son's bride will want to wear it to honor his father's memory. BTW, men are so different from us aren't they! They see just a dress but it's so much more than a simple dress. I didn't have a wedding dress until 7 years after we got married. We renewed our vows and now I have a dress to cherish. I hope you have peace with whatever decision yo make! God Bless you!!!
ReplyDeleteWow...I didn't know so many would be against it. The important thing is that I have peace in my decision like Jen said...it is never out of disrespect that I do some of the things I do. We will see.
ReplyDeleteI read your blogs and they are inspiring and touching. I lost my boyfriend 2 1/2 months ago I am only 26 and we were together for 5 years and planning on getting married. You are an inspiration that you have come so far. I can't imagine being as strong as you but I hope in time the strength comes. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I have a blog as well but for many reasons it's on private.. if anyone would like to read it please feel free to email me your email address and I will add you on............ robsupdates@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteNot that my opinion means anything, but I would recommend instead of "trashing the dress", why don't you donate it to some girl who is less fortunate, who would like to get married in a beautiful dress? Let the dress build dreams for someone else whom it would mean so much to. I would think that would be much more therapeutic than "trashing the dress"... In the "spirit" of your reasoning for getting rid of the dress, it would seem logical in that spirit, to donate it to someone to make their wedding day more special. Just a thought... Mark
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog tonight. It's so comforting and encouraging to read about others that are a little further down this road. I like what the mom said. If I ever remarry, I think I'll still keep mine. If I was divorced instead of widowed though, I would probably get rid of it.
ReplyDeleteyou have just been a real inspiration to me! :) I am a widow and you brought up a huge amount of thoughts that I have let cross my mind now that I have found my new man that I plan to marry. Wondered about the old dress and dream of the new one. The old me and the new me! Thanks for sharing your thought on this matter. I wondered how other widows felt about this subject!! :) '
ReplyDeleteAlison
I like the way you talk about this point. This was thought out and put together. A lots blogs talk about nothing exist on the net.
ReplyDeleteSvatby v Praze & Šaty pro družičky Praha
I really wish I could talk to you face to face. I am also a widow and my boyfriend is too. We have been dating for over two years. I plan on asking him to marry me here in a few weeks. But what I wanted you to know, my late husband and I didn't have any kids together. So I gave my wedding dress to someone that uses them to make gowns for infants that passed away during birth or shortly after. I knew I would never wear it again.
ReplyDeleteMy issue now is what do I wear for my next wedding? Do you mind me asking you about your day and what you did?