I have been feeling lately I have nothing to blog about because my blog is suppose to be about my journey through life as a young widow. Well, since my husband passed I have been through a lot of bad times, trying times, desperate times, and after a while good times. I am not remarried and am expecting my second child with my now husband.
So, what do I have that is relevant to being young and widowed? After months of thinking about it it dawned on me...my life didn't begin when my husband died and my life didn't end when I fell in love again. It is all relevant because it is all part of my life. Maybe my story is no longer a tragic one, but I am who I am and I am where I am because of all of the events in my life.
With that being said, here is what I am blogging about today. My son.
My son is an amazing little boy. He is full of wonder and excitement. He is very mischievous, strong willed, loving, and hard to handle all wrapped up in one wonderful little boy whom I love with every bit of my heart. After my husband passed and I pulled myself out of my fog he became my reason for being. A lot to put on a child if you ask me, but he loved the attention. Which also proves my theory that he requires A LOT of attention. Maybe I created it, or maybe it is just who he is, but either way attention is all he needs.
Recently my husband and I have been struggling with behavior issues with him. Which in turn provokes a lot of opinions from surrounding people on why he is behaving the way he is and how I should deal with it because apparently I am not doing a sufficient job.
Some people say, "Oh he is just being four." or "He has been through so much." Then there are the suggestions on how to punish him, like "He just needs a good beating." or "Have you tried taking things away?". Then some people say, "You just need to talk to him." Than when I tell them what I am doing I get the disagreeing faces and how I could do things different and apparently in their eyes better. Like I don't feel insufficient enough as a parent already.
Here is a little background on me...I HATE confrontation. I hate yelling, hitting, I hate anything negative. I LOVE love. I wish I could just hug it out of him some days, okay, all days. So discipline is probably my weakest attribute when it comes to parenting, but I give it my best.
Believe me, I know my son has been through a lot of changes in his life...but I would like to think most of them are positive changes. At this point I would like to add that he did not have to go through the experience of loosing his father because he was only one when he passed. So there was no real grieving process that he had to go through. He has however experienced a father-figure entering into his life that later on became his daddy. Positive in the fact that he now has a loving daddy in his life a change in the fact that it was no longer just mommy and Brandon. I got married, again positive and Brandon saw it as just a big party and nothing else. I am now pregnant. This again can be a positive and a negative to a child because they get excited about having a sibling, but also worry about the split of love and attention...please refer back to paragraph four. Lastly, we move into a new house next week. This Brandon has only seen as a positive because now he gets a house with a pool.
Children all deal with change differently I get this, however, through life children need to know respect. Respect of their parents, teachers, and well...all adults. This is something my son seems to have not learned or forgotten, one of the two. He thinks he is the boss. He thinks he can just throw a temper tantrum and kick and hit and he will in the end get his way. He thinks he doesn't have to listen and he can just do whatever he wants. Now this is where all parents tell me, "Oh he is just being four. I have the same problem with my child." That is where I get annoyed. If their child was on the verge of being kicked out of daycare then maybe I would listen to them, but their child isn't, mine is. I understand children don't listen, it is all a learning process, but for some reason my son is above average in the not listening category.
At the moment we are trying a discipline technique given to us by the director of his daycare. This technique is hard core and I will not explain because I have already gotten dirty looks and negative comments from people and well I am tired of it. I have tried everything I can possibly think of and I am at my breaking point. So if something drastic is what he needs, well I will give it a try.
However, I am breaking down myself. I find myself crying almost every night to my husband telling him that all I want is to be able to do things with him like other parents and not have anxiety over whether it is going to be a good day or not. When we have bad days, which lately has seemed to be more than not my anxiety goes through the roof which in turn is not good for the other child I am growing inside of me. I then worry about my baby and what all of this is doing to it. I have already lost one and I couldn't bare loosing another. I would like to say though, the baby so far is doing great.
So, since I am not sure how this parenting tactic is going to work out, I have decided to do my research. I went to Barnes n Noble tonight and got myself two parenting books. One is titled, "Becoming The Parent You Want To Be" and the other "If I Have To Tell You One More Time...". I don't know if either book is going to have the answers I am looking for but at least I am trying. Not only that I have decided that I too need to make some changes. Obviously my son needs something I am not giving him and I too need to make some improvements. I definitely am learning a lot about myself through this process that is for sure.
Oh, and no, I am not looking for anyone's parenting advice...I have heard enough. Although I know it all comes form a loving place, there comes a time when you have to just pray and listen to God, and work things out the way you seem best fit.
So, this might not be a widowed thing, but this parenting thing is very relevant to my journey through life.