How much life changes in a blink of an eye. It has been four years since Brian has passed but it seems as if it was just yesterday he was here. At the same time I feel like my life has changed so much since then that the girl I was that day is a distant memory.
As I always tell my fellow widows/widowers...the anticipation of the anniversary is always worse then the actual day usually turns out. Which in normal fashion I have had anxiety all this month, sometimes about normal everyday stuff and sometimes as I thought about my late husband and that day. Today, although nothing like I had planned it to be, was just like any other day. I had hoped to make it to the zoo, but with the weather and how I have been feeling being pregnant and all the zoo will have to come another day.
I still can't believe that in four years I have remarried and am now expecting a little girl with my recent husband. I look back and if you would have asked me a few years ago if I would ever love again and get married, I would have told you I might love but not the way I loved Brian, and marriage was never going to happen again. Funny thing is, I love so deeply for my now husband and feel lucky that God has given me a second chance with the whole family thing. I use to feel robbed, but now I feel blessed. Blessed that I have grown and learned from that tragic day. Blessed that instead of letting that day/moment define me, I let it mold me into a better person and bring me closer to God.
They always say that every situation is what you make of it. Well I find that saying very true. Although I still miss Brian dearly and wish he was here so that Brandon could know his daddy more intimately, I know that everything is going to be okay and that life really does go on.
These past four years I have cried, been broken, laughed, and put back together again. I have leaned on my family members more than I would have liked to and many friends who didn't have to be there for me wiped tears from my face. I know that not everyone is as blessed as I am and I thank God everyday for each and every person who is and was in my life. I also thank God for all those who loved Brian dearly whether they were family, friends that felt like family, or acquaintances.