Moving on...

Moving on is probably one of the hardest things about being a widow. So much goes through your mind. Will people think I don't love him anymore? Will he approve of who I date or fall in love with? Am I making the right decisions for our son?

As I started to slip on my wedding dress for my first fitting, the past 2 and a half years started to flash before my eyes. The day it happened. The hurt. The tears. The days of going completely insane. The legalities. The therapy sessions. The anger. The numbness. The hopelessness. The fear. Then I thought, I can't believe in one month I will be marrying again. A sense of fear then washed over me. What if I lose this husband too? How would I make it through it again? How would I be able to explain to Brandon that he lost two daddy's?

I still think of my late husband and what our life would have been like. It is hard not too, especially when you are planning to marry someone new. I think of it sometimes with guilt knowing that the life I have with my fiance is amazing and I shouldn't be wondering about all the what ifs.

Moving on is so hard because you have to let your guard down again. You have to chip away at the wall that you put up to protect yourself from anymore heartache. You have to learn how to be okay with letting someone else into your life that is not your husband. You have to come to the realization that they would want you to find love again and be happy. The hardest thing is coming to grips that you have fallen in love again, and that someone else has captured your heart just as your late husband did.

One thing that I know, if you can love your children just the same and have enough room in your heart for all of them...then you must have room in your heart for a spouse who has passed and a new love in your life. You don't stop loving them, you just love more.

So in one month I will be Mrs. Brooke Nates. As scared as I am about all the what ifs, I am also so excited about all the plans we are making and the future that we will have.