Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Moving on...

Moving on is probably one of the hardest things about being a widow. So much goes through your mind. Will people think I don't love him anymore? Will he approve of who I date or fall in love with? Am I making the right decisions for our son?

As I started to slip on my wedding dress for my first fitting, the past 2 and a half years started to flash before my eyes. The day it happened. The hurt. The tears. The days of going completely insane. The legalities. The therapy sessions. The anger. The numbness. The hopelessness. The fear. Then I thought, I can't believe in one month I will be marrying again. A sense of fear then washed over me. What if I lose this husband too? How would I make it through it again? How would I be able to explain to Brandon that he lost two daddy's?

I still think of my late husband and what our life would have been like. It is hard not too, especially when you are planning to marry someone new. I think of it sometimes with guilt knowing that the life I have with my fiance is amazing and I shouldn't be wondering about all the what ifs.

Moving on is so hard because you have to let your guard down again. You have to chip away at the wall that you put up to protect yourself from anymore heartache. You have to learn how to be okay with letting someone else into your life that is not your husband. You have to come to the realization that they would want you to find love again and be happy. The hardest thing is coming to grips that you have fallen in love again, and that someone else has captured your heart just as your late husband did.

One thing that I know, if you can love your children just the same and have enough room in your heart for all of them...then you must have room in your heart for a spouse who has passed and a new love in your life. You don't stop loving them, you just love more.

So in one month I will be Mrs. Brooke Nates. As scared as I am about all the what ifs, I am also so excited about all the plans we are making and the future that we will have.

6 comments:

  1. Everytime I read your entries I start to tear up. What strength you have and what love in your heart. You are a true inspiration and I wish you the best in your new life.

    Bonnie

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  2. I KNOW your feelings EXACTLY! Even after almost 3 years of being happily remarried I find myself wondering if my late husband is happy and if I'm doing the right thing in raising our 3 kids. It's weird. I am reassured by my wonderful new hubby whi is also a widower, but I'll always have it in the back of my head I guess. Thanks for expressing these feelings so well Brooke and best wishes on your upcoming wedding!

    Laurayne

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  3. Hi! Just found your blog. I lost my husband 11 weeks ago to cancer. This was a beautiful post! Though I haven't "moved on" yet...I'm working on moving forward. I'm glad you have found love a second time around - I think that makes us lucky in a strange way...some people only get to fall in love once!

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  4. So glad I found this article! My husband died nearly 2 years ago of kidney cancer. I was 62 when he died and thought my life was over. I am now in love with an old boyfriend. There isn't a minute when I don't feel sad/guilty but I also feel excited for a future I didn't think I would have. I don't know what happens to you when you for but I do know we have to be happy and I'm sure we can be forgiven for that. Good luck with the wedding xxx

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