A little over two years ago on November 21, 2007, the day before Thanksgiving, my husband of two years and the father of our soon to be 1 year old son died suddenly.
I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. I can remember how stressed I was that day. I was hosting my very first Thanksgiving Day dinner, all of Brian's family was in town, I was putting the finishing touches on Brandon's first birthday party that we were having at the house that Saturday, and to top it all off I was going to school full time and had to get a job because money was tight. My plate was full.
However on that morning after Brian got back from his jog we were going to take Brandon to the zoo for the first time. It was a beautiful day.
After Brian got back from his jog we were talking in the bedroom. I was laying on the bed complaining about how stressed I was because I had so much to do and I had to work that night. I was complaining about Brandon's birthday party and how hardly anyone was going to be there since it was the weekend after Thanksgiving and most of our friends were out of town.
I will never forget what Brian said to me when I was done ranting. "Everything is going to be okay Brooke. Don't worry everything will be fine." Those were the last words he spoke to me.
Two seconds later I heard the hangers pull in the closet and a loud bang.
I thought Brian tripped on my shoes and hit is head on the toliet. I thought that since he hit his head so hard he was having a siezure.
When I rolled him over and saw his eyes rolled into the back of his head and him gagging I ran to the phone and dialed 911. I screamed for help but it took forever for his parents to come in the room and it took an eternity for the ambulance to arrive.
I thought he was going to make it, but since they had such a hard time getting him stable I was terrified. I remember sitting on my bed and one of the EMT's talking to me. I grabbed his face, pulled it close to mine and told him, "He is my life, my rock, the father of my son. I can't lose him."
Once we got the the hospital he was announced. I first I threw my stuff at the doctor and yelled at him. Telling him to do more and that he wasn't dead...but he was.
I climbed into the hospital bed with him, wrapped his arms around me, and laid there with my head on his chest. Time stood still. I was waiting for him to wake up. Waiting to feel his chest rise to take a breath. Waiting for him to say something, anything. I told him not to leave me, he had a son that needed his daddy. I didn't want to leave him and I didn't for a long time.
When I left and walked outside I was blinded by the sun. I had forgotten what a beautiful day it was. I guess I expected it to be dark and gloomy or raining atleast. I walked like a zombie to my parent's car and starred off into the sky on the way home wondering what just happened.
I still sometimes feel as if it couldn't of happened, but it did.
I found out three weeks later he died of a massive heart attack. He had a congenital heart disease that we never knew about. So even though he was probably one of the most physically fit men I have ever met, his heart was not.
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I remember saying NO over and over and then throwing up in my front yard repeatedly. And the whole zombie thing I remember very vividly. I still have NO idea how I functioned for weeks after... Thank you for doing this blog. <3
ReplyDeleteI remember that Zombie feeling as well. I think I was in complete shock and denial as doctor after doctor examined him and grimly avoided my eyes. I didn't let myself give up until they wheeled him away into surgery for organ donation. It was very surreal.
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend I love you so much and have been truly blessed to have had you brought into my life. There surely are no coincidences and I know we were meant to meet. You know that I also lost my husband and.... it's a hard feeling to even begin to explain. As if you want the whole world to STOP and feel your pain but they keep bustling along as if nothing happened. A pain and hollowness that is beyond words.....
ReplyDeleteMy high school sweetheart, Joe, at 28 years old... 4 years into our marriage was killed suddenly on a job related accident. We had a 3 1/2 year old little girl and I was 4 mos pregnant with our son. In looking back, I truly don't know how I was able to go on without him but by the grace of God, the love of family and friends and my two precious angel babies that needed their mommy.... was able to keep on keeping on. It was bittersweet... my husband was gone and I was now looking into the eyes of our beautiful baby boy. And, I could spend hours on how this completely devestated daddy's little princess....
I love you! and I am so proud of you that you just keep swimming :) Steph
what a great idea. i would like to do somethign like that do but don't have the time and not comfortable putting my personal feeling up for all the world to see..maybe i'll just do a private one.
ReplyDeletei too lost my husband to a sudden heart attack. he we playing hockey, his ture passion. fortunately i wasn't there to see it but the pain of finding out at the hospital is an awful memory. we lost him one year ago on April 17. He was 42 and our boys were 3 and almost 6 at the time. I am all too familiar with the repeated yelling of "NO!" after being told. I am curious how people are handling it with the kids. It is much better 1 year later but those 1st 8 months were so hard....
N.
Thank you for your support :)
ReplyDeleteI will have to agree with you on the first 8 months. They were so hard. Truely though, thank God I had a son to look after. If it wasn't for my son I would have never gotten through these past two years.
Sometimes I still cry out that noooooooooooooo! My Danny died in 2008.
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