November 10. 2008 - Dinner

SO I went out to dinner with an old friend Friday night. I went to dinner with him understanding that I am not dating at this particular moment so I was able to go and have a nice friendly dinner with no first date jitters. It was great, we went to haru my favorite resturant, had wine and talked for a long time. i think it was my longest dinner in ages, time wise. I think it finally ended close to 11 pm. The thing that gets me is I love Brian so much, so how could i go out to dinner with another man and enjoy myself so much. I know there is a possible interest there and we did talk about it, but I am still on the same ground that I don't want anything at this particular moment. But it was still nice. And I even found myself thinking...is this a date? Even though we said it wasn't, I enjoyed myself so much that it felt like one. How is it that you can miss and love someone so much and still enjoy the company of another man? Maybe I am closer to wanting to date than i thought. But with it being November and it being our anniversary and his death anniversary is this right? Why do I feel like what I am doing is completely wrong or disrespectful? I feel so guilty sometimes. I am told that there is nothing wrong with what I am doing. I guess I still feel that way because I was married and still feel as if I am at times. I guess it will always be hard because he left with me loving him completely. We were in a good place. It isn't like divorce when you fall out of love with someone and it is easier to move on. I didn't have my closure and sometimes I feel like I never will.