August 22, 2008 - 9 months

I was sitting on my deck listenting to the wind blowing through the trees and the sounds of rope and metal clanging on the masts of the sailboats, and I was at peace. It is amazing how life can just seem to stand still, how all your worries, problems seem to disappear. No phones ringing, your sons not pulling at your leg, no one asking how you are. Just my glass of wine and the breeze on my face. Just me. I have had a lot of time to think about life lately, how nothing is ever as it seems, how fragile it is, and how fast time passes us by.

Its been exactly 9 months since Brian has passed. I still at times can't believe I was able to pull myself away from him on that dreadful day at the hospital let alone survive life afterwards. I think of that day and it plays out like a movie or a dream. The raw pain I felt I can still feel, the sounds of the ambulance as I sat in the front seat telling myself it was all going to be okay when we got to the hospitals, the doctor would be able to get him to come back to me, I can hear it plain as day. I wrapped my arms around his body for hours but it felt like minutes waiting for him to put his arms around me and kiss my forehead like he did many times. Then the questions and paperwork, I just wanted to lay there.

I can still picture the funeral. It wasn't him...he wasn't there. It was amazing to me how different a person looks when their soul has left them. He didnt have the same spirit, the same smirk. He looked so cold. All the people, so many of them. Half of them I didn't remember or know. I tried to be brave but I had my weak moments clinging to his casket sobbing.

Now Im here. Finished with school beginging to start a new chapter in my life and I feel like he carried me here even though he wasn't truely here with me. I feel he would be happy with how Ive handled myself and our son. I feel at peace knowing he will always be here with us, watching over us. I also feel that he will make sure I have happiness again someday.

I can still feel his arms around me.