Today is the day.
It is the day that I will walk into the waters with sin, a broken heart, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, and hate. I will walk into the waters with all of my mistakes and with all of my achievements. I will walk in knowing that when I walk out I will be changed.
Today is the day that I will have the chance to show the world the commitment that I have made on the inside. I will rise out of the waters with strength, courage, love, cleansed of my hate and selfishness, envy and jealousy. I will have asked for forgiveness of all of my mistakes. I will walk out wiser, learning from my failures and continuing on with my achievements.
Today I know all the wrongs I have made in my life, but in a few hours that life will have been washed away.
Since this is a blog that I have created as a widow and for widows and widowers you might ask how this has anything to do with the fact that I lost my husband and the despair I was faced with. I will answer with this, it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I am a widow. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that my life was rocked in ways unimaginable.
When my husband passed away I felt alone in more ways than I can describe. I was so angry with God asking him how he could do this to our son, to me, to his mother and father, to his sisters, and to his wonderful friends. How he could take such an important person from my life and leave me to pick up the pieces alone. I cursed God and I questioned his powers. I was done with him and I could do without.
Man, did God prove me wrong. Even though I didn't see it at the time, he helped me pick up the pieces. He did it silently, but his presence was strong. He kept me safe from more despair knowing that I had met my limits. He prepped me before my husbands death and held me after. I didn't see him beside me because I didn't want to know him at that time.
I had a good friend whose faith was strong but never pushed it on me. However she did always tell me this. "It is okay to be angry with God. He expects it, if he didn't, he would have never created the emotion. He can handle whatever you throw at him. No matter what, he will be there. He is with you now, and will be there for you when you are ready." She said this to me on many occasions, especially when I asked her how she could have so much faith after God had taken her husband and the father of her daughter and her unborn son.
Now, almost three years later, I still don't understand why God had to take my dear husband from me and our son. However, I can see how he was there for me. Keeping me from buying a house that in a few months flooded from a hurricane, how he told me to go back to school before my husband passed, how he gave me hope through my son's eyes.
Now I can see him and all his glory. I didn't see it then, but now I see how beautiful his mercy is.
Today is the day that I get baptized.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Congratulations Brooke. Thank you for your blog and the FB group. I am just nearing two months out...Julia
ReplyDeleteHelp
ReplyDeleteMy husband unexpectedly passed away 4 months ago and I don't understand how God could have left me in the situation that I'm in. I have 2 teenage boys to care for, a house mortgage I can't afford, no job since I haven't worked in over 20 years and all the responsiblities that my husband did like pay bills, yard work etc. This is all so overwhelming. I can't imagine where God is in all this.
ReplyDeleteYou are so blessed and I am so proud of you.. We don't always know Why God let's things happen, but trust in Him that there is a reason and a purpose in all that happens...You have grown so much since I met you and I am lucky to have you as a guide and partner in our walk with God together...
ReplyDeleteLeigh,
ReplyDeleteMan do I know what you mean. Like I said, I have no idea why he did take Brian away from me and I will probably never know. My late husband was the bread-winner. I was a stay at home mom and had no idea what the bills were, what investments we had, and I had no idea how to use the weed-eater. I really did feel God had left me to drown.
Trust me when I say, you will get through these hard times. I had to sell our house and move into a smaller one, figure out what our bills were and adjust them accordingly, and well, I hired a lawn guy. Parenting alone was a huge challenge. I fought with my frustrations of being alone and the trials of parenting. I spent many nights crying and begging God to give me back my rock, my best friend, the father of my son, my husband.
Granted there were many dark nights, but I am a much stronger person now. I can manage the bills, balance the check book, pay the mortgage, make some minor improvements on the house, and care for our son in a loving way.
Some people might say, well of course you can do it, you are married again. I was able to do all of this before i met my now husband, and you know what, I feel pretty proud of myself. It gave me a sense of strength and power.
Believe me, I feel your pain in more ways than you know. But I promise you, God understands your anger and frustration. You may think you struggle is useless, but in the end, you are going to be such a strong and powerful woman, and your sons are going to admire your strength and look up to you.
Hang in there. I am here for you.
I am an unwedded widow and I have been reading your blog off and on the last few months. My hubbie went to be with Jesus almost 6 months ago.
ReplyDeleteI am so excited that you are now able to reflect back and see how amazing our sweet and precious Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is. And how your friend was absolutely right, Jesus is with you all the way, even when you feel so alone. Only He can feel that void.
I am soooo excited for you Brooke! I will pray that you continue to see God's provision in your life and that you seek to live your life for Him and His glory!
Thank you for doing this blog. :)
thank you for doing this blog. I am not sure how blogs work, can anyone give me some guidance. Not sure how to comment, so I put annoymous. I would like to partake in this blog so any help would be great. I feel weird asking what is a URL? Help??
ReplyDelete