Dare

I have dared to believe that there is more out there in the world for me. That tragedy wasn't going to be the last page in my book. That my heart would know what true love felt like again. As daring as that might have seemed two, almost three, years ago, today it feels all too possible.

As fantastic as it is that tragedy wasn't my last page, I still feels as if I am in a surreal dream at times. My life is so different than it was or how I thought it was going to be before my husband passed away. I watch videos and look at pictures and that life feels like a distant memory. I can't help but feel sad sometimes to think of it all. My late husband and I had a wonderful life and I may never know why it all had to end.

People to this day tell me how strong I am and that they just don't feel as if they could have risen to the occasion like I did. As proud as I should be, I am not. I feel like it was my duty as a mother to do what I did. I don't feel I ever woke up in the morning because I wanted to, it was more because I had to. I realized that life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but tried my best to make my son feel like it was.

If I am going to be honest, I hated every second of it. I hated waking up and having to get out of bed. I hated putting on my happy face just so everyone would stop feeling so sorry for me. I hated feeling so lonely that I could literally feel my heart tearing to shreds in my chest. Most of all, I hated the fact that my late husband wouldn't get the chance to be a wonderful father to our son longer and that our son would never really know his father. My heart still breaks a little to think of it now.

Today I am struggling with how I felt about my life then and my late husband and how I feel now with my new life and my new husband. I would be lieing to say I never compare the two, especially since the two lives are so very different from each other. I don't compare to judge. I compare to see how much things can change. How you can love two very different people the same. How a father and a man who has become a father can love the same little boy just as much as the other person.

I guess my struggle is that I loved my husband so much and the life we had that I feel guilty for loving my now husband so much and the life that we have. My husband now is so amazing and his struggles in life alone have made him such an amazing friend, lover, and father. We have such a common ground and understanding for each other that is unexplainable.

I dared to dream. Lucky for me all of my dreams are still coming true. They might not be exactly how I pictured them, but they are happening right before my eyes. I have an amazing husband, a son I adore, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence :) As hard as it may be for me to believe sometimes, I am happy again. Happy is good especially after so much hurt.

So I guess what I am saying is, dare to dream. Dare to believe that through the dirt and the rubble lay greener pastures ahead. Because one day you will sit there like I am sitting here right now in amazement that all your dreams and hopes did come true.

Now I just need to learn to let the happiness sit comfortably :)