My five year wedding anniversary with my late husband would have been this past Friday, November 5. As horrible as the past few anniversaries had been, this one seemed to not be as bad. Then again, I am in a much different place. However, anniversaries sure do drum up a lot of memories and shattered dreams as well as wonder of what life would have been like if he had never passed.
Since I have an amazing husband now, he took me out to dinner for the occasion. Not only that, but it was the same restaurant that my late husband, Brian, took me to the night of our engagement. Funny thing was, the hostess sat us at the very same table Brian and I sat at that night. My now husband, Brian, said, "He is saying hi sweetie." Now some may think it is weird for my now husband to be taking me out for my 5 year wedding anniversary with my late husband, but since we both lost our spouses we both know that it isn't about being sad it is about celebrating what we had. May I say, there is a lot to be said about a man who can do that and not be the least bit jealous or feel inferior.
That night Brian and I talked about my relationship/marriage with late Brian. I laughed about some of the stories and in my mind realized how much things have changed and how much I have changed. One thing I realized. Besides a few stories and a toast I made in his memory, even though that night was about celebrating my marriage with my late husband, that evening was spent mostly thinking about how lucky I am to be where I am right now. Yes, what happened with my late husband was devastating and if I could have him here today I would, but my life has not only made a 180 but it has turned out to be a good 180. (Not that where I was before wasn't good. I loved my husband and the life we had)
Not only did my late husband inspire me when he was alive, but he has inspired me in his death as well. After I came out of the cloud of devastation and decided to go on with my life so many wonderful things have happened. I took full notice of who I was and decided on who I wanted to be. Wanting to always make a difference, I found that helping others through the loss of their loved one was how I was going to do that. That is how New Beginnings was born. I also decided to be a better person over all. I have recently been baptized and am a member of a wonderful Church. I try my hardest to be a better wife that I was before. Not that I wasn't a good wife, but I didn't appreciate fully what I had.
I truly am blessed in my life now. I have an amazing husband and son, not to mention that life has so many promises now and I am so excited about life and all of its journeys it will take me on. People always say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." How true that statement is for me and how great would the world be if everyone lived by that. Granted, we don't all have to be happy about the lemons, but without them we wouldn't know how great lemonade is...Does that make sense to anyone? In simpler words, without loss how can we appreciate the gain?
So let me make a toast....
To Brian. A wonderful husband, father, and friend. Although we didn't make it to our 5 year anniversary, you still inspire me to this day. You inspire me to help others and to be a good person. My only hope is that you are looking down on me and are proud that I was your wife and proud of all the accomplishments I have made before and after your passing. You will forever be in my heart. Love you.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Another Loss
When you go through a tragedy as big as say loosing your husband and father of your child you kind of in the back of your mind think or at least pray that you will never have to be faced with difficulties again, or at least for a long, long time. However, unfortunately such is not true. Sometimes people are faced with difficulties and tragedies more than once or twice.
After I met my now husband I finally thought that I was going to get my happily ever after. Why wouldn't I feel that way? My sister and my parents have theirs, what made me any less worthy. I am a good person, at least I strongly think I am, I go to church and truly try to live my life as a good christian, I love my husband, my son, and my family. I care about others and always try, sometimes too hard, to see the good in people and things. (My co-workers call it living in Brookeland)
So when my husband and I found out that we were pregnant we were so excited. Not only would it be our first child together, it would be my husbands first biological child. I couldn't wait to start to be able to see my little one growing in my belly and telling all my family and friends and celebrating a wonderful gift. Then when my body started changing a little, and my belly started peaking out a little I got even more excited. Since I am kind of scrony and it is my second pregnancy a little pooch showed soon. I even had to buy some new cloths since some of mine already weren't fitting.
Then I went for my first doctors appointment. I had some issues that had concerned me, but other women had told me they had those issues during their pregnancies and they were fine, so it gave me a little comfort. The doctor had some concerns so ordered blood work and an ultrasound. The doctor said at 6 weeks we should be able to see a heartbeat through the ultrasound and make sure everything was okay.
No heart beat.
I was upset but held it together because the ultrasound tech said I only measured at 5.5 weeks and it may be too soon...So on to the blood work once that day and another one 48 hours later to check my hormone levels. Friday I go the call from the doctor saying that my hormone levels had doubled but she had some concerns about the ultrasound and ordered another one for Monday.
Monday...no heartbeat and measured at 7.5 weeks, A two week jump in size in only a week.
Basically the baby was growing but not a viable pregnancy. There was no structure and most importantly no heartbeat. Since I wasn't miscarrying on my own I had surgery yesterday to have the baby removed (D&C).
It is so amazing how many emotions come along with loosing a child you never met. You almost feel like a failure and question everything you did or didn't do or even wonder if you are being punished for something you have done in your past.
I wanted a baby so badly. I finally felt like life was finally moving on for me and everything was going to be ok. But once again I am not okay. Why is it that people who have no business having children have babies every day but I wasn't able to have this one?
I know everything happens for a reason, and God only gives us what we handle...but seriously, can I get a vacation from things happening and God thinking I am so strong. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life like most of my friends and family sometimes.
I will say on a positive note. My husband has been amazing and so has my family and friends. Thank God for a strong support system.
After I met my now husband I finally thought that I was going to get my happily ever after. Why wouldn't I feel that way? My sister and my parents have theirs, what made me any less worthy. I am a good person, at least I strongly think I am, I go to church and truly try to live my life as a good christian, I love my husband, my son, and my family. I care about others and always try, sometimes too hard, to see the good in people and things. (My co-workers call it living in Brookeland)
So when my husband and I found out that we were pregnant we were so excited. Not only would it be our first child together, it would be my husbands first biological child. I couldn't wait to start to be able to see my little one growing in my belly and telling all my family and friends and celebrating a wonderful gift. Then when my body started changing a little, and my belly started peaking out a little I got even more excited. Since I am kind of scrony and it is my second pregnancy a little pooch showed soon. I even had to buy some new cloths since some of mine already weren't fitting.
Then I went for my first doctors appointment. I had some issues that had concerned me, but other women had told me they had those issues during their pregnancies and they were fine, so it gave me a little comfort. The doctor had some concerns so ordered blood work and an ultrasound. The doctor said at 6 weeks we should be able to see a heartbeat through the ultrasound and make sure everything was okay.
No heart beat.
I was upset but held it together because the ultrasound tech said I only measured at 5.5 weeks and it may be too soon...So on to the blood work once that day and another one 48 hours later to check my hormone levels. Friday I go the call from the doctor saying that my hormone levels had doubled but she had some concerns about the ultrasound and ordered another one for Monday.
Monday...no heartbeat and measured at 7.5 weeks, A two week jump in size in only a week.
Basically the baby was growing but not a viable pregnancy. There was no structure and most importantly no heartbeat. Since I wasn't miscarrying on my own I had surgery yesterday to have the baby removed (D&C).
It is so amazing how many emotions come along with loosing a child you never met. You almost feel like a failure and question everything you did or didn't do or even wonder if you are being punished for something you have done in your past.
I wanted a baby so badly. I finally felt like life was finally moving on for me and everything was going to be ok. But once again I am not okay. Why is it that people who have no business having children have babies every day but I wasn't able to have this one?
I know everything happens for a reason, and God only gives us what we handle...but seriously, can I get a vacation from things happening and God thinking I am so strong. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life like most of my friends and family sometimes.
I will say on a positive note. My husband has been amazing and so has my family and friends. Thank God for a strong support system.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I didn't plan on doing this alone.
As I look back after my husband passed away I remember how much I struggled with wanting to be both parents to my son. I believed in my heart that he deserved to have both parents not just one, so I tried having split personalities for a while...as you can imagine it didn't work out too well.
I ended up driving myself crazy and constantly feeling bad because I was always coming up short. It would get to the point that I would be so exhausted from trying to do it all that by the end of the day I was so impatient and short fused that I was constantly irritated by my son. Then after he went to bed I would cry myself to sleep because I wasn't patient enough and in my head was a bad mommy.
Then I think one day I just stopped trying so hard. I was just me. I was loving and patient and even though I didn't have the daddy voice that I was constantly told that I needed, I found my own ways of disciplining that worked for me and not someone I wasn't. After that I enjoyed my son so much more, we would go on walks together and laugh and bath time was about making things out of bubbles and sticking letters and numbers on the wall.
It was so hard holding all the weight of grieving and trying to be both parents. There is a reason it takes two people to have a child, because one person can't have it all. Granted I can do it on my own, but I am not a man nor will I ever be. I am a woman, a loving, caring, compassionate woman. I have learned to get my hands a little dirty like a man, but I will never again try to play a man's role as a father. I am me, no one else, and I am pretty darn good at being me too :)
I ended up driving myself crazy and constantly feeling bad because I was always coming up short. It would get to the point that I would be so exhausted from trying to do it all that by the end of the day I was so impatient and short fused that I was constantly irritated by my son. Then after he went to bed I would cry myself to sleep because I wasn't patient enough and in my head was a bad mommy.
Then I think one day I just stopped trying so hard. I was just me. I was loving and patient and even though I didn't have the daddy voice that I was constantly told that I needed, I found my own ways of disciplining that worked for me and not someone I wasn't. After that I enjoyed my son so much more, we would go on walks together and laugh and bath time was about making things out of bubbles and sticking letters and numbers on the wall.
It was so hard holding all the weight of grieving and trying to be both parents. There is a reason it takes two people to have a child, because one person can't have it all. Granted I can do it on my own, but I am not a man nor will I ever be. I am a woman, a loving, caring, compassionate woman. I have learned to get my hands a little dirty like a man, but I will never again try to play a man's role as a father. I am me, no one else, and I am pretty darn good at being me too :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Today is the day...
Today is the day.
It is the day that I will walk into the waters with sin, a broken heart, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, and hate. I will walk into the waters with all of my mistakes and with all of my achievements. I will walk in knowing that when I walk out I will be changed.
Today is the day that I will have the chance to show the world the commitment that I have made on the inside. I will rise out of the waters with strength, courage, love, cleansed of my hate and selfishness, envy and jealousy. I will have asked for forgiveness of all of my mistakes. I will walk out wiser, learning from my failures and continuing on with my achievements.
Today I know all the wrongs I have made in my life, but in a few hours that life will have been washed away.
Since this is a blog that I have created as a widow and for widows and widowers you might ask how this has anything to do with the fact that I lost my husband and the despair I was faced with. I will answer with this, it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I am a widow. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that my life was rocked in ways unimaginable.
When my husband passed away I felt alone in more ways than I can describe. I was so angry with God asking him how he could do this to our son, to me, to his mother and father, to his sisters, and to his wonderful friends. How he could take such an important person from my life and leave me to pick up the pieces alone. I cursed God and I questioned his powers. I was done with him and I could do without.
Man, did God prove me wrong. Even though I didn't see it at the time, he helped me pick up the pieces. He did it silently, but his presence was strong. He kept me safe from more despair knowing that I had met my limits. He prepped me before my husbands death and held me after. I didn't see him beside me because I didn't want to know him at that time.
I had a good friend whose faith was strong but never pushed it on me. However she did always tell me this. "It is okay to be angry with God. He expects it, if he didn't, he would have never created the emotion. He can handle whatever you throw at him. No matter what, he will be there. He is with you now, and will be there for you when you are ready." She said this to me on many occasions, especially when I asked her how she could have so much faith after God had taken her husband and the father of her daughter and her unborn son.
Now, almost three years later, I still don't understand why God had to take my dear husband from me and our son. However, I can see how he was there for me. Keeping me from buying a house that in a few months flooded from a hurricane, how he told me to go back to school before my husband passed, how he gave me hope through my son's eyes.
Now I can see him and all his glory. I didn't see it then, but now I see how beautiful his mercy is.
Today is the day that I get baptized.
It is the day that I will walk into the waters with sin, a broken heart, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, and hate. I will walk into the waters with all of my mistakes and with all of my achievements. I will walk in knowing that when I walk out I will be changed.
Today is the day that I will have the chance to show the world the commitment that I have made on the inside. I will rise out of the waters with strength, courage, love, cleansed of my hate and selfishness, envy and jealousy. I will have asked for forgiveness of all of my mistakes. I will walk out wiser, learning from my failures and continuing on with my achievements.
Today I know all the wrongs I have made in my life, but in a few hours that life will have been washed away.
Since this is a blog that I have created as a widow and for widows and widowers you might ask how this has anything to do with the fact that I lost my husband and the despair I was faced with. I will answer with this, it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I am a widow. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that my life was rocked in ways unimaginable.
When my husband passed away I felt alone in more ways than I can describe. I was so angry with God asking him how he could do this to our son, to me, to his mother and father, to his sisters, and to his wonderful friends. How he could take such an important person from my life and leave me to pick up the pieces alone. I cursed God and I questioned his powers. I was done with him and I could do without.
Man, did God prove me wrong. Even though I didn't see it at the time, he helped me pick up the pieces. He did it silently, but his presence was strong. He kept me safe from more despair knowing that I had met my limits. He prepped me before my husbands death and held me after. I didn't see him beside me because I didn't want to know him at that time.
I had a good friend whose faith was strong but never pushed it on me. However she did always tell me this. "It is okay to be angry with God. He expects it, if he didn't, he would have never created the emotion. He can handle whatever you throw at him. No matter what, he will be there. He is with you now, and will be there for you when you are ready." She said this to me on many occasions, especially when I asked her how she could have so much faith after God had taken her husband and the father of her daughter and her unborn son.
Now, almost three years later, I still don't understand why God had to take my dear husband from me and our son. However, I can see how he was there for me. Keeping me from buying a house that in a few months flooded from a hurricane, how he told me to go back to school before my husband passed, how he gave me hope through my son's eyes.
Now I can see him and all his glory. I didn't see it then, but now I see how beautiful his mercy is.
Today is the day that I get baptized.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The day draws near
As the first day of my support group draws nearer, I am faced with a whole lot of fears and feelings. I have been going to training classes for the past three weeks and it has made me realize how much responsibility I have taken on. Don't get me wrong, I am completely up for the challenge and am so excited about everything that has been happening these past 9 months. However, I have so many doubts and fears and I just pray that I am able to support and inspire people the way they need to be.
One good thing I have learned from all of my training an experiences leading up to now is that I am doing something I was called to do. My efforts are not selfish, they are pure. My only want is to give people hope and support. Even if it is only one person, then I have accomplished my goal. Would I LOVE to touch all the widows and widowers out there, of course, but only because I don't want them to feel alone. I have been so blessed to be touched by so many different people for so many different ways that I just want to share and spread the blessings.
One good thing I have learned from all of my training an experiences leading up to now is that I am doing something I was called to do. My efforts are not selfish, they are pure. My only want is to give people hope and support. Even if it is only one person, then I have accomplished my goal. Would I LOVE to touch all the widows and widowers out there, of course, but only because I don't want them to feel alone. I have been so blessed to be touched by so many different people for so many different ways that I just want to share and spread the blessings.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Something About A Widow
There is something about being a widow that changes you from the core forever. Even if you do remarry you still feel as if you still have the title.
The whole experience is life changing, no doubt. The whole world is suddenly thrusted on your shoulders and you struggle to stand. Then one day you realize the load doesn't feel so heavy on your shoulders, although it still weighs on your heart. I am not sure the weight on your heart ever really lightens. Then, everyday life is easier to get through and before you know it, it has almost been three years and you are remarried and your son calls someone else daddy.
Although I am now a Mrs. again, I feel as if I hold two titles and not one. My experiences as a widow have made me so much stronger and so much more self-sufficient. Which at times can be a catalyst for disagreements with my now spouse. "I can do it all by myself, I don't need help. I did it for almost two years just fine." One of my favorite lines. The reality of it is, I don't have to do it all by myself anymore and I have to let go and share the pants in the relationship.
It is so hard though. It is hard to let go of all the choices being yours, and not having to consult anyone. Which is funny because not having someone to help me with decisions was one thing I mostly struggled with when I first lost my husband.
When I think of myself the song, "I am Superwoman" by Alicia Keys comes to mind. That is who I had to be for so long, but now it is time to hang up the cape. Well, maybe I can turn it into a cute dress instead :)
The whole experience is life changing, no doubt. The whole world is suddenly thrusted on your shoulders and you struggle to stand. Then one day you realize the load doesn't feel so heavy on your shoulders, although it still weighs on your heart. I am not sure the weight on your heart ever really lightens. Then, everyday life is easier to get through and before you know it, it has almost been three years and you are remarried and your son calls someone else daddy.
Although I am now a Mrs. again, I feel as if I hold two titles and not one. My experiences as a widow have made me so much stronger and so much more self-sufficient. Which at times can be a catalyst for disagreements with my now spouse. "I can do it all by myself, I don't need help. I did it for almost two years just fine." One of my favorite lines. The reality of it is, I don't have to do it all by myself anymore and I have to let go and share the pants in the relationship.
It is so hard though. It is hard to let go of all the choices being yours, and not having to consult anyone. Which is funny because not having someone to help me with decisions was one thing I mostly struggled with when I first lost my husband.
When I think of myself the song, "I am Superwoman" by Alicia Keys comes to mind. That is who I had to be for so long, but now it is time to hang up the cape. Well, maybe I can turn it into a cute dress instead :)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Dare
I have dared to believe that there is more out there in the world for me. That tragedy wasn't going to be the last page in my book. That my heart would know what true love felt like again. As daring as that might have seemed two, almost three, years ago, today it feels all too possible.
As fantastic as it is that tragedy wasn't my last page, I still feels as if I am in a surreal dream at times. My life is so different than it was or how I thought it was going to be before my husband passed away. I watch videos and look at pictures and that life feels like a distant memory. I can't help but feel sad sometimes to think of it all. My late husband and I had a wonderful life and I may never know why it all had to end.
People to this day tell me how strong I am and that they just don't feel as if they could have risen to the occasion like I did. As proud as I should be, I am not. I feel like it was my duty as a mother to do what I did. I don't feel I ever woke up in the morning because I wanted to, it was more because I had to. I realized that life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but tried my best to make my son feel like it was.
If I am going to be honest, I hated every second of it. I hated waking up and having to get out of bed. I hated putting on my happy face just so everyone would stop feeling so sorry for me. I hated feeling so lonely that I could literally feel my heart tearing to shreds in my chest. Most of all, I hated the fact that my late husband wouldn't get the chance to be a wonderful father to our son longer and that our son would never really know his father. My heart still breaks a little to think of it now.
Today I am struggling with how I felt about my life then and my late husband and how I feel now with my new life and my new husband. I would be lieing to say I never compare the two, especially since the two lives are so very different from each other. I don't compare to judge. I compare to see how much things can change. How you can love two very different people the same. How a father and a man who has become a father can love the same little boy just as much as the other person.
I guess my struggle is that I loved my husband so much and the life we had that I feel guilty for loving my now husband so much and the life that we have. My husband now is so amazing and his struggles in life alone have made him such an amazing friend, lover, and father. We have such a common ground and understanding for each other that is unexplainable.
I dared to dream. Lucky for me all of my dreams are still coming true. They might not be exactly how I pictured them, but they are happening right before my eyes. I have an amazing husband, a son I adore, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence :) As hard as it may be for me to believe sometimes, I am happy again. Happy is good especially after so much hurt.
So I guess what I am saying is, dare to dream. Dare to believe that through the dirt and the rubble lay greener pastures ahead. Because one day you will sit there like I am sitting here right now in amazement that all your dreams and hopes did come true.
Now I just need to learn to let the happiness sit comfortably :)
As fantastic as it is that tragedy wasn't my last page, I still feels as if I am in a surreal dream at times. My life is so different than it was or how I thought it was going to be before my husband passed away. I watch videos and look at pictures and that life feels like a distant memory. I can't help but feel sad sometimes to think of it all. My late husband and I had a wonderful life and I may never know why it all had to end.
People to this day tell me how strong I am and that they just don't feel as if they could have risen to the occasion like I did. As proud as I should be, I am not. I feel like it was my duty as a mother to do what I did. I don't feel I ever woke up in the morning because I wanted to, it was more because I had to. I realized that life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but tried my best to make my son feel like it was.
If I am going to be honest, I hated every second of it. I hated waking up and having to get out of bed. I hated putting on my happy face just so everyone would stop feeling so sorry for me. I hated feeling so lonely that I could literally feel my heart tearing to shreds in my chest. Most of all, I hated the fact that my late husband wouldn't get the chance to be a wonderful father to our son longer and that our son would never really know his father. My heart still breaks a little to think of it now.
Today I am struggling with how I felt about my life then and my late husband and how I feel now with my new life and my new husband. I would be lieing to say I never compare the two, especially since the two lives are so very different from each other. I don't compare to judge. I compare to see how much things can change. How you can love two very different people the same. How a father and a man who has become a father can love the same little boy just as much as the other person.
I guess my struggle is that I loved my husband so much and the life we had that I feel guilty for loving my now husband so much and the life that we have. My husband now is so amazing and his struggles in life alone have made him such an amazing friend, lover, and father. We have such a common ground and understanding for each other that is unexplainable.
I dared to dream. Lucky for me all of my dreams are still coming true. They might not be exactly how I pictured them, but they are happening right before my eyes. I have an amazing husband, a son I adore, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence :) As hard as it may be for me to believe sometimes, I am happy again. Happy is good especially after so much hurt.
So I guess what I am saying is, dare to dream. Dare to believe that through the dirt and the rubble lay greener pastures ahead. Because one day you will sit there like I am sitting here right now in amazement that all your dreams and hopes did come true.
Now I just need to learn to let the happiness sit comfortably :)
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