Matters of the Heart

The human heart. We not only refer to the heart physiologically but emotionally as well.

We have scientist, doctors, surgeons, nurses, and anyone else in the medically field study it. They study how it works and how sometimes it doesn't work. And when it has an issue we try desperately to fix it. Because without your heart, the rest of your organs can't function.

We refer to the heart with emotional ties. When we face upsetting times we call it heart-break. When we miss someone desperately, we say our heart aches. When we fall in love our heart leaps.

I have had the pleasure of experiencing the heart in many ways. I have fallen in love, had my heart broken, and my heart has ached. I have also become very aware of how the heart works and how it sometimes fails to work properly. It seams lately, really the past 4 years my life has been burdened by matters of the heart.

During the experience of the heart break of my husband passing away, I was told that the cause of his death was a congenital heart disease called myxoid heart disease. I was also told that I know had to have my son checked every year to make sure he doesn't develop the same thing his father died from. So, once a year I stress over his appointment with the pediatric cardiologist praying he hasn't developed any signs. Matter of a fact, we just had a check up on him on Monday and all was well. Whew! Now he can play soccer without me worrying about him dropping in the middle of a game. Which believe me, as time passes and we get closer to his annual appointment I often think about.

Now being the positive person I strive to be...I was sure that my run in with heart problems was done. At least physiologically. Well, as we all know, life is not a road that is straight and narrow. Life throws us some curves, bumps, and sometimes mountains to climb in the road.

A few weeks ago I went for my monthly OB check up. I was excited because we got to get an ultrasound and see our little one growing inside of me. We also found out the sex of our baby as well, which we didn't know if we were or not, but we found out it was a girl :) Everything looked good, she was the right size, healthy heartbeat, ten fingers, ten toes, all looked well...so it seemed.

The next morning, early, 7:30am early, I got a phone call from our doctor telling me that he wanted to send me to get more ultrasounds done. He said he wasn't sure if he got good views of the heart. So, off I went that day to see another doctor to get more ultrasounds done. Then, what every pregnant mother fears, I was told that our little girl had a significant hole in her heart called ventricular septal defect (VSD)and that I needed to see a pediatric cardiologist because it was very probable that she was going to need surgery after birth.

Great!

So, today was our appointment with the pediatric cardiologist to get more ultrasounds done. Of course Bryn, that is what we named her, wasn't cooperating very well. However, he feels he was able to get some good views of the heart. He couldn't see the VSD. Which means two things. One its not there anymore, or two he didn't get the view he needed. So good news considering two weeks ago I was told the hole was a significantly big hole. Unfortunately, there was a small caution sign to go with it. He also saw extra fluid around the heart. Everyone has some fluid around their heart, but there was more than she was suppose to have. Which means one of two things, one she is just fighting off a virus that I might have caught, or two, signs of congestive heart failure.

My hopes going into this appointments was to either have a game plan of what to do or have definite relief that she is perfectly fine. I didn't get either one of those and I left feeling the same way I went in, confused, worried, and a heartbroken.

I am starting to realize something, no matter what, matters of the heart surround us. In some way or another we are feeling our heart, whether it be emotionally or physically, our heart has a large presence. I pray that our little girl is just having a little hiccup in her development and in two weeks we will get a definite answer that she no longer has a hole in her heart and in four weeks we will be told that he fluids are at normal level. Because to be honest, as far as the matter of heartbreak goes, I don't know how much more i can take. I just know that no matter what God will take care of me and my baby.