Well it is that time again. Time to take down the lights and the silly blinking figurines outside, put away all the Christmas trinkets and decorations, delicately put away all the ornaments and take down the tree. For most people this is a chance for a fresh start and with the New Year at hand they look at all the possibilities the year may bring.
For a widow, at least for this widow, taking down the decorations can be just as sad as putting them up. To top it all off, I also always take this time to clean out the closets and get rid of the old that is never used anymore.
As I took down the ornaments I came across an ornament that was given to me and my late husband shortly after we married and on it was written "The Stiles". Then another ornament that said "Always Remembered". I remember when I hung ornaments on my tree when I was younger all the ornaments, well most, had a story and they were all told with a smile. So many great memories of the past years and Christmases. Even though I do have wonderful memories of the few years we were married and the Christmases we had, it saddened me a little and made me miss him.
As I started something I always do after taking down and putting away Christmas, I started to go back to a few months after my husband passed away. See I was getting rid of all the toys my son doesn't play with anymore to make room for his new toys. For some reason this took me to when I first started to have to get rid of Brian's things.
I was moving out of our house. I knew I couldn't pack it all by myself so I called in reinforcements. My orders were to pack everything, I refused to get rid of anything. However, as I stood in our closet my mom asked what I was doing with his clothes. "I'm taking them", I said. Then she gave me the look. The look I am sure every widow has seen from another loved one. The look that says...I am so sorry, are you sure sweetie, and maybe it is time to let go a little...all rolled up in one. "I'm taking them, and they are going to my closet at the new house." I demanded, as I fought back tears. Then she came to his sock and underwear drawer..."I can get rid of these, right?" Then I just fell to the ground and started to cry. If I got rid of his things then that meant he was REALLY never coming back. He was never going to complain about not having any clean socks to wear, he was never going to come home smelling sour and sweaty after a soccer game, he was never going to complain that the clothes we folded but not put away, he was never....never again. I couldn't bear it.
Even now I am brought to tears thinking of it. I know to some people getting rid of old socks is a no-brainer...but when those socks are a reminder of what you had, it makes your heart feel as if it is tearing to shreds inside.
So I guess, I am thinking of all of my widowed friends out there. Are they doing some cleaning of the closets after taking down Christmas? Are they crying on the floor not wanting to let go and feeling like their spouse died all of again?
Sometimes "out with the old, and in with the new" is a harder concept to wrap your heart around when you are a widow.
Totally get this!! My first Christmas with my husband also was my last Christmas. This year, when it came time to decorate, I pulled out my ornament box, blindly dug around inside until I felt the box with the "Our First Christmas" ornament inside, and threw it over my shoulder to some other part of the basement before I even looked at. Some day I'll find it in a pile somewhere, and hopefully by that day I'll be a little more healed.
ReplyDeleteThis really hit close to my heart, this was my first Christmas without my husband. Our last Christmas was the best one we had in the eight years we were togethre. Both side of our families came to our house for the first time we had over thirty-five family members at our house, we had so much fun. This year I didn't really want Christmas to come, I was really dreading it but I did survive it thanks to my family and friends. And I do still have all of his clothes but for a good reason; my mother in-law and I are going to make quilts out of his clothes for all the family members so they can always have a part of him with them. Now that the holidays are over now I feel much stronger, I made it through them with the help of family and friends. Having a good support system really is the most important thing for me.
ReplyDeleteWow! This is exactly how I felt this year, my first without my husband. What a wonderful article. I was dreading Christmas, but didn't want to skip it because of our sons.... we made it through with our wonderful friends and family.
ReplyDeleteI still have a lot of my husbands clothes...it does seems so final to get rid of everything. I couldn't do it.
I love reading your blogs. This was exactly what I felt. As you know this was my first without Rob. I couldn't even bring myself to open the box of ornaments and decorate the tree, so the tree went up bare and I just added three memorial ornaments onto it. Rob's clothes are still in his dresses and our closet. The only time they come out is when I wear them (his sweaters and socks fit so nicely) I can't bring myself to pack it all up. And the clothes that we had packed away for summer are now sitting in totes at my storage unit. One day I will make a quilt with them but for now I cant even look at them without crying so I think they are just fine where they are. Thanks for always writing such amazing blogs!! XOXO
ReplyDeleteMy husband will be gone 5 months on Tuesday. Just today I cleaned out his sock and underwear drawer, sobbing the whole time... The rest of his drawers are still untouched. Maybe in another 5 months I'll get there....
ReplyDeleteAs for the ornaments, they didn't come out of their boxes this year. Our son had enough Christmas at his grandparents - he's only 15 months - and it might have saved a few tears for another day... or next Christmas...
@ Ora. I do the same wear my husband socks and shirts(especially to bed) Our two year old gets mad at me. She tells me that they are daddy's socks(lol) I spent the holidays with relatives. To each his owns but I will never get rid of my husbands clothes. They are apart of me. Reality is one thing but trying to forget is another, especially when it's someone who you planned to spend the rest of eternity with.
ReplyDeleteI am so relieved to find others that feel the same way about things that I do. So many people do not understand why I keep his things, and some of those people are widows themselves! Thank you for making me feel so normal.
ReplyDeleteI wear the pajama pants and T-shirts, and my sons wear the socks, dress shirts and pants. And that is OK with me, as long as they put them back in the drawer after they've been washed. I'm thinking that the boys wearing the clothes doesn't bother me because they used to do it when he was alive, too. The underwear drawer, however, hasn't even been opened in 9 months, since he passed away.
it has been almost a year since my husband died. i have cleaned out his drawers, his side of the closet. not necessarily because i was ready or because it felt "right", but because there came a time when i knew it would hurt less to have it gone then it did to hang onto it.
ReplyDeletei kept some of his things. our son in able to wear some of it. i wear his pj's.
i donated the rest to an organization that helps immigrants get jobs here. i knew that it would make him proud to know his clothes were helping someone else.