November 4, 2008 - November

So it is November. The month I have been dreading all year. I feel like i am sufficating sometimes. All I can think about is he is not here. I am alone, all alone. Our anniversary is Wednesday. We had planned on going on a ski trip since I have never been skiing and we were also going to start trying to have another baby. Man how things have changed. Now i dont even know if i will ever have another child. I dont even know if I even want another one. If, and I mean if, I ever feel for someone what I felt and still feel for Brian, I dont know if I want to take the chance of having another child and them dieing on me and once again I am left raising a child with no father. I know that sounds terrible morbid and negative, but hopefully my negativity will change. The wierd thing is, I was just starting to get use to being alone and doing things on my own. Then all of a sudden out of the blue I was hit with this terrible feeling of being hopelesly lonely and lost once again. God I can't wait till this month is over. Hopefully I will be so busy with work I wont have too much time to think about it.