Father's Day

As I looked at my son this morning I couldn't help but thank God for how he has blessed our lives with my now husband, Brian. These passed 2 and a half years have been hard, especially when I thought of my son not having a father.

When my late husband, Brian, was alive he would talk about all the things he was going to do with him. He couldn't wait to take him fishing for the first time, teach him how to catch a ball, teach him how to play different sports, go on his first camping trip, and take him kayaking in the river. He was so encouraging and was Brandon's biggest fan, well next to me that is. :) He took tons of videos of him and would light up when he would say "da da" or do something for the first time. Brandon and I use to greet him by the door most days when he got home from work and Brian couldn't wait to have him in his arms.

Even though my son got plenty of love and affection from me these past two years, he was missing a very important part in his life. Part of me thinks he knew it, and part of me hoped he didn't.

I was scared at first of doing it all on my own. How on earth can I teach him how to do all of the things his father so badly wanted to teach him? Was I able to take him to do the things that his father dreamed of doing with him? Then I was angry that my son was deprived that experience, besides he was one week away from his first birthday when my husband, his father passed away suddenly. Finally I accepted it all. I figured if it was just me, then I had to rise to the challenge and be both of us wrapped up in one. Granted I had tons of help from family members and friends, but at the end of the day it was just me and my little man.

This year though is different. This year Brandon and I have an amazing man who came into our lives when we least expected it and became an important piece in our family. My now husband, Brian, is Brandon's Daddy. He loves him as if he was his own...and today was his first Father's Day.

I made him breakfast, he opened his gift from Brandon, we went to church, had lunch with friends, and then had a wonderful evening with my sister and her family. It was the way Father's Day should be and I finally have that again. Then that evening my husband and I sat down with Brandon and looked at pictures and videos of my late husband and we talked about how much he loves Brandon and what a great father he was. It truly was a wonderful moment. I am truly blessed to have a man in my life who isn't intimidated by the memory of my late husband and wants my son to know who he was and how much he loved and still loves him.

This Father's Day I celebrate the wonderful father my late husband was and the wonderful father my now husband is. Brandon and I have been blessed with two amazing men. God Bless the both of them.

The Wedding Dress

So I have to admit...getting rid of material things has been the hardest thing for me of the moving on process. It took my now husband moving in for me to finally get rid of all of his clothes. Plus, a few nights of sorting through other material things until I was finally left with a memory box and...my wedding dress.

I just recently remarried...two weeks ago to be exact. My photographer/friend had asked me if I wanted to do a trash the dress session with her. I told her that I just could never trash my wedding dress...and then Brian chimed in, "You could do a trash the dress with your old wedding dress."

My heart sunk into my stomach. "No! I can't do that."

Then the long discussion began between the two of us of why I couldn't get rid of my old wedding dress. "It's not like our daughter, if we have one, is ever going to wear it." Brian said.

I guess I thought he would understand, besides, he lost his spouse too. Even though I knew people grieved differently and held on to different things, I guess I just assumed he would agree with me. That was not the case.

A wedding dress to me is a symbol of who I was at that time and how much I loved him. I was so innocent and naive. The world revolved around him. He was all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in one man. I dreamed of one day our daughter wearing it on her wedding day as most girls do I am sure. It was so perfect in every way. Unfortunately, most of those hopes and dreams died right along with him, the world stopped turning, and I knew I would never have a daughter that would wear that dress.

Now I have a new wedding dress that I wore on our special day. New hopes and dreams have been made and the sun sets and rises with a new man. My new wedding dress is reminiscent of the woman I am now. Strong, sophisticated, not so naive, but also delicate and soft.

So why do I have such a hard time letting go? To me, it really is the last thing I have been holding on to that I probably should let go of. Thinking of getting rid of it really solidifies everything that has happened these past two and a half years. You know what, sometimes that is hard to swallow. It is hard to let go of that innocence and beauty.

I know that in no way me letting go of that dress means that I have forgotten about our love and what an amazing father and husband he was. I can still see his smile plain as day and his laugh as if he was still here. By no means does me "trashing the dress" mean I am trashing what we had...besides, women do a "trash the dress" all the time for fun and to wear the dress one last time while their husbands are alive.

Hopefully one day this lump in my throat will be gone when I think of getting rid of it, but for now...

I love my now husband with all of my heart and I never want to make him feel like I haven't let go of my life with my late husband...because I have. I also never want him to feel like no.2 when he is so no. 1 in my life. I guess letting go of that dress should probably be easier for me, especially considering where I am in my life right now, but for some reason it is just hard to think of I guess.
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You know what is weird...after just proof-reading everything I just wrote, I think I might be able to let go. Maybe I just needed to get that all out there. Even though it might be hard, wearing it one last time for a "trash the dress" session might be fun and therapeutic. We will see.

Just say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I must say, I am a much different person now than I was before my husband passed away. I have way more faith in my abilities than I ever use to and well, I just feel like I am a better person. Granted I am not too fond of the person I was right after Brian passed away, but after a year I'd say I had grown.

One thing I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore is complain too much. I was actually complaining when my husband dropped unexpectedly. However, I find myself getting back into the same old routine of complaining about meaningless (well not completely) stuff. I am getting married again soon and the last thing I want to be is a nagging wife again. I am not saying I complained all the time, I just STRESSED OUT about everything. Everything had to be perfect.

I guess it is easier to say you won't complain when you don't have a spouse to complain to. I need to relax. I need to get back to the place where I know I can't control everything. I need to remember that not everyone in this world is nice and has good intentions...and breathhhhhh.

I know I have a lot going on in my life right now, and lets face it planning a wedding is more stressful than we would like to admit sometimes. But, I don't ever want to take the chance of the last words someone hears coming out of my mouth are those words of complaint. I don't ever want to feel like I didn't get to say "I love you" or "You are amazing" or "Thank you".

I want so badly to be a wonderful wife and mother. I just hope I can get back to not stressing out so much and enjoy what I have while I have it.

As my sister would put it..."Just say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day where the Mother gets showered with love and appreciation and a little gift to show we care. It is a day that moms all over look forward to.

To me, Mother's Day has a different feeling. I only got to celebrate one Mother's Day where my husband showed his appreciation for all that I do and a gift from our then 5 1/2 month old son.

Since my husband passed away one week shy from our son's first birthday the past two Mother's Day brought on different feeling than appreciation and happiness.

Don't get me wrong. I love my son with all of my heart and having him in my life was my saving grace. He is and always will be my angel. However, when your spouse isn't around to make you breakfast in bed, have a card and flowers waiting for you, or just the sweet sound of him saying "Happy Mother's Day" to you when you open your eyes, Mother's Day tends to be bittersweet.

The past two years I would of course spend the day doing something special with my little man, but I always wondered what it would have been like if my husband was still here. What would he of planned? Would he have forgotten as some men do :) ? I tried to recall my one and only Mother's Day with him still here and it seems like a faint memory. We took Brandon to my Mom and Dad's house for his first pool experience. I remember he wasn't too sure about it at first, but once we put him in a floaty he was in heaven :) I had such a great day that day, the best first Mother's Day ever.

This year I had someone to spend it with. Someone my son sees as his Daddy. They went off and shopped for a gift for me together and everything. What made this year special was that I felt like a family again, which probably is the best Mother's Day gift anyone could ever give me. The only person I have to thank for that is God.

So this year I feel blessed and thankful for the life and family I have. Although I will never forget the wonderful memory of what a great husband Brian was and how special he made me feel as a Mother, I look forward to many more years of celebration with my soon to be hubby and my son :)

Moving on...

Moving on is probably one of the hardest things about being a widow. So much goes through your mind. Will people think I don't love him anymore? Will he approve of who I date or fall in love with? Am I making the right decisions for our son?

As I started to slip on my wedding dress for my first fitting, the past 2 and a half years started to flash before my eyes. The day it happened. The hurt. The tears. The days of going completely insane. The legalities. The therapy sessions. The anger. The numbness. The hopelessness. The fear. Then I thought, I can't believe in one month I will be marrying again. A sense of fear then washed over me. What if I lose this husband too? How would I make it through it again? How would I be able to explain to Brandon that he lost two daddy's?

I still think of my late husband and what our life would have been like. It is hard not too, especially when you are planning to marry someone new. I think of it sometimes with guilt knowing that the life I have with my fiance is amazing and I shouldn't be wondering about all the what ifs.

Moving on is so hard because you have to let your guard down again. You have to chip away at the wall that you put up to protect yourself from anymore heartache. You have to learn how to be okay with letting someone else into your life that is not your husband. You have to come to the realization that they would want you to find love again and be happy. The hardest thing is coming to grips that you have fallen in love again, and that someone else has captured your heart just as your late husband did.

One thing that I know, if you can love your children just the same and have enough room in your heart for all of them...then you must have room in your heart for a spouse who has passed and a new love in your life. You don't stop loving them, you just love more.

So in one month I will be Mrs. Brooke Nates. As scared as I am about all the what ifs, I am also so excited about all the plans we are making and the future that we will have.

Anniversary

Friday night was a special night. It was my fiance's, Brian, wedding anniversary with his late wife, Rachel. They would have been married five years.

Most people make plans for their five years. How many kids they might have, if they want kids, a trip they might take, or a special ritual they might due. The five year mark is a pretty special one. So, for Brian I planned a special evening for him.

Brian and Rachel had a special bottle of wine that they purchased in Napa Valley on vacation one year. This particular bottle of wine matured on the same year as their 5 year wedding anniversary. They planned to go on a special trip back to Jamaica where they had their honeymoon and take the bottle of wine with them to share on the exact day of their anniversary.

So I decided to take Brian out to dinner to Rachel's favorite restaurant, Amici's, and bring the bottle of wine with us. Brian ordered Rachel's favorite dish, which I thought was sweet. While we were talking I realized that nothing but Michael Bubble was playing, which Rachel LOVED him. I made the observation to Brian, and he said, "If the next song is "Home", then I know she is here with us." Believe it or not, the next song that came on was "Home". She was with us and I am so glad she was. I know that to Brian it meant a lot to know she was with him on their special day.

It was such a nice dinner. Brian shared with me some of their hopes and dreams. We talked about some of the things they did and then...we talked about our future. What was great about that evening is that we could share the past with eachother and dream of our future.

So, here is to you Rachel and Brian. You had some amazing and crazy memories that you made together. They will always be remembered along with your love.

Something that annoyed me most

I was just thinking about my first date with my fiance.

One thing that pops into my head every now and again that makes me smile is a conversation we had while walking on the beach.

Background Information: My finace is also a widowers for those of you who didn't know.

We were walking on the beach talking about our lives since our spouses died and then things we remembered fondly about them. It was such a great conversation.

Than I asked Brian, "What is something that just annoyed the crap out of you about her?" Both of us started laughing histerically. He then told me about how she use to wait until he sat down to ask him to get up and get things for her. He said it use to make him so mad.

Then of course the question was back in my court. My husband use to take his socks off at the end of every day while sitting on the couch. Somehow or another the socks ended up pushed under the couch. After a few days of doing this he eventually would ask me where all of his socks were. After a while I knew to look under the couch, but it drived me up the wall.

I laugh about it now about how mad at him I use to get. It is funny how when someone dies you tend to just talk about the things that you loved about them or the great things they did, but we never talk about their flaws. I guess it is just considered bad taste to talk about the dead that way, but it makes me laugh.

There are so many things I loved about my husband, but nothing makes me laugh more than the things that he use to do that bugged me. I even miss those things sometimes :)