Daddy and Mommy Game

"Mommy. You want play the Mommy and Daddy Game?"

"Sure Brandon. How do we play?"

"Well, you are the Mommy, I am Brandon, and Daddy is dead because he isn't here."

You can imagine how I felt when my 4 year old son said this to me. It eventually turned into a talk about his Daddy in the Stars. He said he wanted to throw a party because maybe he would come down from Heaven to visit if we threw him a party. I had to explain that it wasn't possible for him to visit that way, but he can always visit us in our dreams.

I always knew the day would come where he would start asking about his Daddy in the Stars but because I am remarried and he has a Daddy here on this Earth I didn't think it would be so soon. But he has been talking so much about death lately and his Daddy in the Stars, I knew a conversation that a 4 year old could understand needed to happen.

I never really told him his father was dead, I have always said that he had to go up to Heaven and be with God. However, we do go to church every Sunday and I am sure that the subject of where someone goes when they die has come up. Thankfully you don't have to tell a 4 year old much for the conversation to be over, but it was still hard, very hard.

As a parent you never want your children to feel pain or their feelings to be hurt. But when one of the parents dies, it is almost inevitable. No matter what age they are when their parent dies they will experience some sort of hurt from it. I consider myself lucky in a sense. Even though my son wasn't able to build a bond for very long with my husband and doesn't remember him, I am glad he didn't have to experience the pain when his father died. He was oblivious. He was almost one at the time and about a month or so after his daddy passed he stopped asking for him and saying "dada". The pain he will experience is more of a wondering pain. Wishing he knew him. Wondering if he is just like him. I am hoping how my now husband and I are handling things will ease that a bit. We show him pictures, talk about him, and always welcome questions. We even tell him things like, "Your Daddy in the Stars use to do that", or "You look just like your Daddy in the Stars".

I always want his memory to be alive in my son and want my son to know just how much he was loved by his Daddy in the Stars as well as his Mommy and Daddy here on Earth.

Out with the old...

Well it is that time again. Time to take down the lights and the silly blinking figurines outside, put away all the Christmas trinkets and decorations, delicately put away all the ornaments and take down the tree. For most people this is a chance for a fresh start and with the New Year at hand they look at all the possibilities the year may bring.

For a widow, at least for this widow, taking down the decorations can be just as sad as putting them up. To top it all off, I also always take this time to clean out the closets and get rid of the old that is never used anymore.

As I took down the ornaments I came across an ornament that was given to me and my late husband shortly after we married and on it was written "The Stiles". Then another ornament that said "Always Remembered". I remember when I hung ornaments on my tree when I was younger all the ornaments, well most, had a story and they were all told with a smile. So many great memories of the past years and Christmases. Even though I do have wonderful memories of the few years we were married and the Christmases we had, it saddened me a little and made me miss him.

As I started something I always do after taking down and putting away Christmas, I started to go back to a few months after my husband passed away. See I was getting rid of all the toys my son doesn't play with anymore to make room for his new toys. For some reason this took me to when I first started to have to get rid of Brian's things.

I was moving out of our house. I knew I couldn't pack it all by myself so I called in reinforcements. My orders were to pack everything, I refused to get rid of anything. However, as I stood in our closet my mom asked what I was doing with his clothes. "I'm taking them", I said. Then she gave me the look. The look I am sure every widow has seen from another loved one. The look that says...I am so sorry, are you sure sweetie, and maybe it is time to let go a little...all rolled up in one. "I'm taking them, and they are going to my closet at the new house." I demanded, as I fought back tears. Then she came to his sock and underwear drawer..."I can get rid of these, right?" Then I just fell to the ground and started to cry. If I got rid of his things then that meant he was REALLY never coming back. He was never going to complain about not having any clean socks to wear, he was never going to come home smelling sour and sweaty after a soccer game, he was never going to complain that the clothes we folded but not put away, he was never....never again. I couldn't bear it.

Even now I am brought to tears thinking of it. I know to some people getting rid of old socks is a no-brainer...but when those socks are a reminder of what you had, it makes your heart feel as if it is tearing to shreds inside.

So I guess, I am thinking of all of my widowed friends out there. Are they doing some cleaning of the closets after taking down Christmas? Are they crying on the floor not wanting to let go and feeling like their spouse died all of again?

Sometimes "out with the old, and in with the new" is a harder concept to wrap your heart around when you are a widow.

No matter how old...

I got a phone call today...Well, I got the phone call last night and returned it this afternoon. It was my Grandma Crabtree. One thing I think all of you should know is, I love my family more than anything. So, when I found out why my Grandma called me I was truly touched. She said she was proud of me, which to me is the highest honor anyone could ever give me.

Let me take you back a little before I tell you exactly what she told me on the phone...

Lately something has been weighing on my heart. I have really been thinking of New Beginnings and where I want it to go, the things I want to do with it, and what I want it to really stand for. When I first started it I was in a very different part of my life. I was still very bitter at how young I was and being a widow. I concentrated so much on my youth and felt no one older than me could REALLY understand what I was feeling. So that is why I wanted my support groups and foundation to focus mainly on Young Widows and Widowers.

However, as time has passed and I have seen so many widows and widowers of all different ages connect and inspire each other I am starting to see that we all can relate on some level no matter where we are in life's journey.

So, the phone call...My Grandma had spoken to my Aunt Kay over the weekend. My Aunt Kay lost my Uncle this past June and she had said that she had been on my Facebook Page New Beginnings. I had absolutely no idea that she even knew about my Facebook Page, but I was excited when I had heard she knew about it. She told my Grandma how much it has helped her and even though she wasn't a "Young" widow that I had helped her so much through these past few months and it has spoken to her in so many ways. That is when my Grandma told me she was proud of me.

The whole reason I started the FB page and the foundation was to help others, inspire people, connect, and to make sure no widow/widower felt alone. I was touched when I found out that I have helped out a family member. Like I said before, I love my family, every single part of it. So to know I helped her, well, there are no words. It reminded me, once again, why I do what I do, but it also reminded me that young or young at heart, we (widows/widowers) all come from a common place, the loss of a loved one.

With that being said, I feel as if God is calling me to open the umbrella and remove the "Young" from the foundation's name. I will still have specific support groups for Young Widows and Widowers but will also have support groups for all ages.

Christmas Wrapping

Christmas shopping for me this year has had a very different feeling than it has had the past three years. This year I actually have some Christmas cheer. I want to listen to the songs on the radio that talk about sleigh rides and rockin' around the Christmas Tree. I walk through the stores with a smile on my face and have patience for those on the roads that seem to be in such a hurry to get from store to store. Although, there seems to be a bit of sadness, the weight in my heart has definitely lifted.

You see, something came to me as I was wrapping my sons gifts this year. As I carefully taped the wrapping, delicately placed the bow, and signed the tag I was able to write something I never dreamed of writing ever again..."From: Mommy & Daddy". I was filled with a combination of peace and nostalgia. Peace because my son has someone to call "Daddy" again and on Christmas morning I won't be the only one excited to see the excitement in Brandon's eyes while he opens his gifts from Santa. Nostalgia, well, I was thinking of his father. I remember how excited he was on Brandon's first Christmas even though he was only a few weeks old. He talked about all the Christmases to come and how happy he was to be a father and how much he loved Brandon. He truly adored him. I was also thinking of all the Christmases in the past. Brian use to always try to get that one present he knew I wasn't expecting and the joy on his face as I opened each gift was beautiful. On our first Christmas married, we couldn't wait to open our gifts, so we ended up opening all but one on Christmas Eve :) I think we did it just because we could. lol.

This year I get to actually have a "Merry" Christmas. I get to share in all the joys of Brandon waking up that morning and being so surprised at all the gifts Santa brought him. Most of all, I already received my Christmas gift that I have been asking for these past years...Love.

This year I ask one thing from all of my friends, loved ones, and strangers. I wish that everyone appreciates all the love in their life. If you have a husband/wife, cherish them, if you have kids share in the joy and the spirit of the time, and with your family share in the Christmas cheer. Lastly, remember what Christmas is all about. Our Lord and Saviours Birthday.

God Bless and Merry Christmas!

A friend like mine...

Last weekend I had the chance to spend some time with a good friend, Olivia, and do the Bike Run for Tots. It was the second time I had done it with her and it made me flash back to three years ago when I did it with her the first time as well as the two weeks prior.

See, my husband passed away the day before Thanksgiving. At the time I was still in school. Olivia and I only lived one street over from each other and we always rode to school with each other every morning. A week and a half after my husband passed I went back to school. Olivia insisted that she drove me that day and thank God she did. As we pulled up to school and parked in the parking lot I started crying. "I can't do this. I can't go in there. I don't want to be the girl who just lost her husband. Everyone is going to ask questions. I don't want to do it, I can't." Olivia, being the amazing friend that she is said, "Brooke you can do it. You are strong. I promise I will make sure no one asks you about it. I am here with you the whole entire way. And if you really feel like you can't do it, we will turn around and go straight back home. Just try." I really feel like it is because of all of the encouraging words she gave to me on a day to day basis was one of the main reasons why I was able to make it to school most of the time.

Olivia always tried to make sure I laughed or atleast smiled everyday and two weeks after my husband passed away she decided that I needed to do something fun and forget about things for a while. So she said I was going to do the Bike run with her wether I like it or not. The catch...instead of riding motorcycles like everyone else, we were going to ride scooters. Leave it to her to turn a fun thing into something more exciting. I don't think I had laughed that much on that day than I have in a long time and it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. Something about crowds of people cheering as they see the scooters come speeding (I use that term loosly) by, loader than for the motorcycles.

This year was no exception. Not only did we rent scooters again but we all dressed in tacky Christmas sweaters and I wore a goofy hat :)

The thing is she did stuff like this all the time. Always making sure she trhough a little spice in my life and because of that I am forever thankful for her.

So for Christmas I wish for all the widows and widowers out there to have a friend like Olivia that will lift their spirits and make them laugh the whole year. Hugs to all my widow friends and an extra tight hug to my friend Olivia. Thank you girl! Love you!

Wedding Anniversary

My five year wedding anniversary with my late husband would have been this past Friday, November 5. As horrible as the past few anniversaries had been, this one seemed to not be as bad. Then again, I am in a much different place. However, anniversaries sure do drum up a lot of memories and shattered dreams as well as wonder of what life would have been like if he had never passed.

Since I have an amazing husband now, he took me out to dinner for the occasion. Not only that, but it was the same restaurant that my late husband, Brian, took me to the night of our engagement. Funny thing was, the hostess sat us at the very same table Brian and I sat at that night. My now husband, Brian, said, "He is saying hi sweetie." Now some may think it is weird for my now husband to be taking me out for my 5 year wedding anniversary with my late husband, but since we both lost our spouses we both know that it isn't about being sad it is about celebrating what we had. May I say, there is a lot to be said about a man who can do that and not be the least bit jealous or feel inferior.

That night Brian and I talked about my relationship/marriage with late Brian. I laughed about some of the stories and in my mind realized how much things have changed and how much I have changed. One thing I realized. Besides a few stories and a toast I made in his memory, even though that night was about celebrating my marriage with my late husband, that evening was spent mostly thinking about how lucky I am to be where I am right now. Yes, what happened with my late husband was devastating and if I could have him here today I would, but my life has not only made a 180 but it has turned out to be a good 180. (Not that where I was before wasn't good. I loved my husband and the life we had)

Not only did my late husband inspire me when he was alive, but he has inspired me in his death as well. After I came out of the cloud of devastation and decided to go on with my life so many wonderful things have happened. I took full notice of who I was and decided on who I wanted to be. Wanting to always make a difference, I found that helping others through the loss of their loved one was how I was going to do that. That is how New Beginnings was born. I also decided to be a better person over all. I have recently been baptized and am a member of a wonderful Church. I try my hardest to be a better wife that I was before. Not that I wasn't a good wife, but I didn't appreciate fully what I had.

I truly am blessed in my life now. I have an amazing husband and son, not to mention that life has so many promises now and I am so excited about life and all of its journeys it will take me on. People always say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." How true that statement is for me and how great would the world be if everyone lived by that. Granted, we don't all have to be happy about the lemons, but without them we wouldn't know how great lemonade is...Does that make sense to anyone? In simpler words, without loss how can we appreciate the gain?

So let me make a toast....

To Brian. A wonderful husband, father, and friend. Although we didn't make it to our 5 year anniversary, you still inspire me to this day. You inspire me to help others and to be a good person. My only hope is that you are looking down on me and are proud that I was your wife and proud of all the accomplishments I have made before and after your passing. You will forever be in my heart. Love you.

Another Loss

When you go through a tragedy as big as say loosing your husband and father of your child you kind of in the back of your mind think or at least pray that you will never have to be faced with difficulties again, or at least for a long, long time. However, unfortunately such is not true. Sometimes people are faced with difficulties and tragedies more than once or twice.

After I met my now husband I finally thought that I was going to get my happily ever after. Why wouldn't I feel that way? My sister and my parents have theirs, what made me any less worthy. I am a good person, at least I strongly think I am, I go to church and truly try to live my life as a good christian, I love my husband, my son, and my family. I care about others and always try, sometimes too hard, to see the good in people and things. (My co-workers call it living in Brookeland)

So when my husband and I found out that we were pregnant we were so excited. Not only would it be our first child together, it would be my husbands first biological child. I couldn't wait to start to be able to see my little one growing in my belly and telling all my family and friends and celebrating a wonderful gift. Then when my body started changing a little, and my belly started peaking out a little I got even more excited. Since I am kind of scrony and it is my second pregnancy a little pooch showed soon. I even had to buy some new cloths since some of mine already weren't fitting.

Then I went for my first doctors appointment. I had some issues that had concerned me, but other women had told me they had those issues during their pregnancies and they were fine, so it gave me a little comfort. The doctor had some concerns so ordered blood work and an ultrasound. The doctor said at 6 weeks we should be able to see a heartbeat through the ultrasound and make sure everything was okay.

No heart beat.

I was upset but held it together because the ultrasound tech said I only measured at 5.5 weeks and it may be too soon...So on to the blood work once that day and another one 48 hours later to check my hormone levels. Friday I go the call from the doctor saying that my hormone levels had doubled but she had some concerns about the ultrasound and ordered another one for Monday.

Monday...no heartbeat and measured at 7.5 weeks, A two week jump in size in only a week.

Basically the baby was growing but not a viable pregnancy. There was no structure and most importantly no heartbeat. Since I wasn't miscarrying on my own I had surgery yesterday to have the baby removed (D&C).

It is so amazing how many emotions come along with loosing a child you never met. You almost feel like a failure and question everything you did or didn't do or even wonder if you are being punished for something you have done in your past.

I wanted a baby so badly. I finally felt like life was finally moving on for me and everything was going to be ok. But once again I am not okay. Why is it that people who have no business having children have babies every day but I wasn't able to have this one?

I know everything happens for a reason, and God only gives us what we handle...but seriously, can I get a vacation from things happening and God thinking I am so strong. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life like most of my friends and family sometimes.

I will say on a positive note. My husband has been amazing and so has my family and friends. Thank God for a strong support system.