Christmas Wrapping

Christmas shopping for me this year has had a very different feeling than it has had the past three years. This year I actually have some Christmas cheer. I want to listen to the songs on the radio that talk about sleigh rides and rockin' around the Christmas Tree. I walk through the stores with a smile on my face and have patience for those on the roads that seem to be in such a hurry to get from store to store. Although, there seems to be a bit of sadness, the weight in my heart has definitely lifted.

You see, something came to me as I was wrapping my sons gifts this year. As I carefully taped the wrapping, delicately placed the bow, and signed the tag I was able to write something I never dreamed of writing ever again..."From: Mommy & Daddy". I was filled with a combination of peace and nostalgia. Peace because my son has someone to call "Daddy" again and on Christmas morning I won't be the only one excited to see the excitement in Brandon's eyes while he opens his gifts from Santa. Nostalgia, well, I was thinking of his father. I remember how excited he was on Brandon's first Christmas even though he was only a few weeks old. He talked about all the Christmases to come and how happy he was to be a father and how much he loved Brandon. He truly adored him. I was also thinking of all the Christmases in the past. Brian use to always try to get that one present he knew I wasn't expecting and the joy on his face as I opened each gift was beautiful. On our first Christmas married, we couldn't wait to open our gifts, so we ended up opening all but one on Christmas Eve :) I think we did it just because we could. lol.

This year I get to actually have a "Merry" Christmas. I get to share in all the joys of Brandon waking up that morning and being so surprised at all the gifts Santa brought him. Most of all, I already received my Christmas gift that I have been asking for these past years...Love.

This year I ask one thing from all of my friends, loved ones, and strangers. I wish that everyone appreciates all the love in their life. If you have a husband/wife, cherish them, if you have kids share in the joy and the spirit of the time, and with your family share in the Christmas cheer. Lastly, remember what Christmas is all about. Our Lord and Saviours Birthday.

God Bless and Merry Christmas!

A friend like mine...

Last weekend I had the chance to spend some time with a good friend, Olivia, and do the Bike Run for Tots. It was the second time I had done it with her and it made me flash back to three years ago when I did it with her the first time as well as the two weeks prior.

See, my husband passed away the day before Thanksgiving. At the time I was still in school. Olivia and I only lived one street over from each other and we always rode to school with each other every morning. A week and a half after my husband passed I went back to school. Olivia insisted that she drove me that day and thank God she did. As we pulled up to school and parked in the parking lot I started crying. "I can't do this. I can't go in there. I don't want to be the girl who just lost her husband. Everyone is going to ask questions. I don't want to do it, I can't." Olivia, being the amazing friend that she is said, "Brooke you can do it. You are strong. I promise I will make sure no one asks you about it. I am here with you the whole entire way. And if you really feel like you can't do it, we will turn around and go straight back home. Just try." I really feel like it is because of all of the encouraging words she gave to me on a day to day basis was one of the main reasons why I was able to make it to school most of the time.

Olivia always tried to make sure I laughed or atleast smiled everyday and two weeks after my husband passed away she decided that I needed to do something fun and forget about things for a while. So she said I was going to do the Bike run with her wether I like it or not. The catch...instead of riding motorcycles like everyone else, we were going to ride scooters. Leave it to her to turn a fun thing into something more exciting. I don't think I had laughed that much on that day than I have in a long time and it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. Something about crowds of people cheering as they see the scooters come speeding (I use that term loosly) by, loader than for the motorcycles.

This year was no exception. Not only did we rent scooters again but we all dressed in tacky Christmas sweaters and I wore a goofy hat :)

The thing is she did stuff like this all the time. Always making sure she trhough a little spice in my life and because of that I am forever thankful for her.

So for Christmas I wish for all the widows and widowers out there to have a friend like Olivia that will lift their spirits and make them laugh the whole year. Hugs to all my widow friends and an extra tight hug to my friend Olivia. Thank you girl! Love you!

Wedding Anniversary

My five year wedding anniversary with my late husband would have been this past Friday, November 5. As horrible as the past few anniversaries had been, this one seemed to not be as bad. Then again, I am in a much different place. However, anniversaries sure do drum up a lot of memories and shattered dreams as well as wonder of what life would have been like if he had never passed.

Since I have an amazing husband now, he took me out to dinner for the occasion. Not only that, but it was the same restaurant that my late husband, Brian, took me to the night of our engagement. Funny thing was, the hostess sat us at the very same table Brian and I sat at that night. My now husband, Brian, said, "He is saying hi sweetie." Now some may think it is weird for my now husband to be taking me out for my 5 year wedding anniversary with my late husband, but since we both lost our spouses we both know that it isn't about being sad it is about celebrating what we had. May I say, there is a lot to be said about a man who can do that and not be the least bit jealous or feel inferior.

That night Brian and I talked about my relationship/marriage with late Brian. I laughed about some of the stories and in my mind realized how much things have changed and how much I have changed. One thing I realized. Besides a few stories and a toast I made in his memory, even though that night was about celebrating my marriage with my late husband, that evening was spent mostly thinking about how lucky I am to be where I am right now. Yes, what happened with my late husband was devastating and if I could have him here today I would, but my life has not only made a 180 but it has turned out to be a good 180. (Not that where I was before wasn't good. I loved my husband and the life we had)

Not only did my late husband inspire me when he was alive, but he has inspired me in his death as well. After I came out of the cloud of devastation and decided to go on with my life so many wonderful things have happened. I took full notice of who I was and decided on who I wanted to be. Wanting to always make a difference, I found that helping others through the loss of their loved one was how I was going to do that. That is how New Beginnings was born. I also decided to be a better person over all. I have recently been baptized and am a member of a wonderful Church. I try my hardest to be a better wife that I was before. Not that I wasn't a good wife, but I didn't appreciate fully what I had.

I truly am blessed in my life now. I have an amazing husband and son, not to mention that life has so many promises now and I am so excited about life and all of its journeys it will take me on. People always say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." How true that statement is for me and how great would the world be if everyone lived by that. Granted, we don't all have to be happy about the lemons, but without them we wouldn't know how great lemonade is...Does that make sense to anyone? In simpler words, without loss how can we appreciate the gain?

So let me make a toast....

To Brian. A wonderful husband, father, and friend. Although we didn't make it to our 5 year anniversary, you still inspire me to this day. You inspire me to help others and to be a good person. My only hope is that you are looking down on me and are proud that I was your wife and proud of all the accomplishments I have made before and after your passing. You will forever be in my heart. Love you.

Another Loss

When you go through a tragedy as big as say loosing your husband and father of your child you kind of in the back of your mind think or at least pray that you will never have to be faced with difficulties again, or at least for a long, long time. However, unfortunately such is not true. Sometimes people are faced with difficulties and tragedies more than once or twice.

After I met my now husband I finally thought that I was going to get my happily ever after. Why wouldn't I feel that way? My sister and my parents have theirs, what made me any less worthy. I am a good person, at least I strongly think I am, I go to church and truly try to live my life as a good christian, I love my husband, my son, and my family. I care about others and always try, sometimes too hard, to see the good in people and things. (My co-workers call it living in Brookeland)

So when my husband and I found out that we were pregnant we were so excited. Not only would it be our first child together, it would be my husbands first biological child. I couldn't wait to start to be able to see my little one growing in my belly and telling all my family and friends and celebrating a wonderful gift. Then when my body started changing a little, and my belly started peaking out a little I got even more excited. Since I am kind of scrony and it is my second pregnancy a little pooch showed soon. I even had to buy some new cloths since some of mine already weren't fitting.

Then I went for my first doctors appointment. I had some issues that had concerned me, but other women had told me they had those issues during their pregnancies and they were fine, so it gave me a little comfort. The doctor had some concerns so ordered blood work and an ultrasound. The doctor said at 6 weeks we should be able to see a heartbeat through the ultrasound and make sure everything was okay.

No heart beat.

I was upset but held it together because the ultrasound tech said I only measured at 5.5 weeks and it may be too soon...So on to the blood work once that day and another one 48 hours later to check my hormone levels. Friday I go the call from the doctor saying that my hormone levels had doubled but she had some concerns about the ultrasound and ordered another one for Monday.

Monday...no heartbeat and measured at 7.5 weeks, A two week jump in size in only a week.

Basically the baby was growing but not a viable pregnancy. There was no structure and most importantly no heartbeat. Since I wasn't miscarrying on my own I had surgery yesterday to have the baby removed (D&C).

It is so amazing how many emotions come along with loosing a child you never met. You almost feel like a failure and question everything you did or didn't do or even wonder if you are being punished for something you have done in your past.

I wanted a baby so badly. I finally felt like life was finally moving on for me and everything was going to be ok. But once again I am not okay. Why is it that people who have no business having children have babies every day but I wasn't able to have this one?

I know everything happens for a reason, and God only gives us what we handle...but seriously, can I get a vacation from things happening and God thinking I am so strong. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life like most of my friends and family sometimes.

I will say on a positive note. My husband has been amazing and so has my family and friends. Thank God for a strong support system.

I didn't plan on doing this alone.

As I look back after my husband passed away I remember how much I struggled with wanting to be both parents to my son. I believed in my heart that he deserved to have both parents not just one, so I tried having split personalities for a while...as you can imagine it didn't work out too well.

I ended up driving myself crazy and constantly feeling bad because I was always coming up short. It would get to the point that I would be so exhausted from trying to do it all that by the end of the day I was so impatient and short fused that I was constantly irritated by my son. Then after he went to bed I would cry myself to sleep because I wasn't patient enough and in my head was a bad mommy.

Then I think one day I just stopped trying so hard. I was just me. I was loving and patient and even though I didn't have the daddy voice that I was constantly told that I needed, I found my own ways of disciplining that worked for me and not someone I wasn't. After that I enjoyed my son so much more, we would go on walks together and laugh and bath time was about making things out of bubbles and sticking letters and numbers on the wall.

It was so hard holding all the weight of grieving and trying to be both parents. There is a reason it takes two people to have a child, because one person can't have it all. Granted I can do it on my own, but I am not a man nor will I ever be. I am a woman, a loving, caring, compassionate woman. I have learned to get my hands a little dirty like a man, but I will never again try to play a man's role as a father. I am me, no one else, and I am pretty darn good at being me too :)

Today is the day...

Today is the day.

It is the day that I will walk into the waters with sin, a broken heart, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, and hate. I will walk into the waters with all of my mistakes and with all of my achievements. I will walk in knowing that when I walk out I will be changed.

Today is the day that I will have the chance to show the world the commitment that I have made on the inside. I will rise out of the waters with strength, courage, love, cleansed of my hate and selfishness, envy and jealousy. I will have asked for forgiveness of all of my mistakes. I will walk out wiser, learning from my failures and continuing on with my achievements.

Today I know all the wrongs I have made in my life, but in a few hours that life will have been washed away.

Since this is a blog that I have created as a widow and for widows and widowers you might ask how this has anything to do with the fact that I lost my husband and the despair I was faced with. I will answer with this, it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I am a widow. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that my life was rocked in ways unimaginable.

When my husband passed away I felt alone in more ways than I can describe. I was so angry with God asking him how he could do this to our son, to me, to his mother and father, to his sisters, and to his wonderful friends. How he could take such an important person from my life and leave me to pick up the pieces alone. I cursed God and I questioned his powers. I was done with him and I could do without.

Man, did God prove me wrong. Even though I didn't see it at the time, he helped me pick up the pieces. He did it silently, but his presence was strong. He kept me safe from more despair knowing that I had met my limits. He prepped me before my husbands death and held me after. I didn't see him beside me because I didn't want to know him at that time.

I had a good friend whose faith was strong but never pushed it on me. However she did always tell me this. "It is okay to be angry with God. He expects it, if he didn't, he would have never created the emotion. He can handle whatever you throw at him. No matter what, he will be there. He is with you now, and will be there for you when you are ready." She said this to me on many occasions, especially when I asked her how she could have so much faith after God had taken her husband and the father of her daughter and her unborn son.

Now, almost three years later, I still don't understand why God had to take my dear husband from me and our son. However, I can see how he was there for me. Keeping me from buying a house that in a few months flooded from a hurricane, how he told me to go back to school before my husband passed, how he gave me hope through my son's eyes.

Now I can see him and all his glory. I didn't see it then, but now I see how beautiful his mercy is.

Today is the day that I get baptized.

The day draws near

As the first day of my support group draws nearer, I am faced with a whole lot of fears and feelings. I have been going to training classes for the past three weeks and it has made me realize how much responsibility I have taken on. Don't get me wrong, I am completely up for the challenge and am so excited about everything that has been happening these past 9 months. However, I have so many doubts and fears and I just pray that I am able to support and inspire people the way they need to be.

One good thing I have learned from all of my training an experiences leading up to now is that I am doing something I was called to do. My efforts are not selfish, they are pure. My only want is to give people hope and support. Even if it is only one person, then I have accomplished my goal. Would I LOVE to touch all the widows and widowers out there, of course, but only because I don't want them to feel alone. I have been so blessed to be touched by so many different people for so many different ways that I just want to share and spread the blessings.