As I look back after my husband passed away I remember how much I struggled with wanting to be both parents to my son. I believed in my heart that he deserved to have both parents not just one, so I tried having split personalities for a while...as you can imagine it didn't work out too well.
I ended up driving myself crazy and constantly feeling bad because I was always coming up short. It would get to the point that I would be so exhausted from trying to do it all that by the end of the day I was so impatient and short fused that I was constantly irritated by my son. Then after he went to bed I would cry myself to sleep because I wasn't patient enough and in my head was a bad mommy.
Then I think one day I just stopped trying so hard. I was just me. I was loving and patient and even though I didn't have the daddy voice that I was constantly told that I needed, I found my own ways of disciplining that worked for me and not someone I wasn't. After that I enjoyed my son so much more, we would go on walks together and laugh and bath time was about making things out of bubbles and sticking letters and numbers on the wall.
It was so hard holding all the weight of grieving and trying to be both parents. There is a reason it takes two people to have a child, because one person can't have it all. Granted I can do it on my own, but I am not a man nor will I ever be. I am a woman, a loving, caring, compassionate woman. I have learned to get my hands a little dirty like a man, but I will never again try to play a man's role as a father. I am me, no one else, and I am pretty darn good at being me too :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Today is the day...
Today is the day.
It is the day that I will walk into the waters with sin, a broken heart, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, and hate. I will walk into the waters with all of my mistakes and with all of my achievements. I will walk in knowing that when I walk out I will be changed.
Today is the day that I will have the chance to show the world the commitment that I have made on the inside. I will rise out of the waters with strength, courage, love, cleansed of my hate and selfishness, envy and jealousy. I will have asked for forgiveness of all of my mistakes. I will walk out wiser, learning from my failures and continuing on with my achievements.
Today I know all the wrongs I have made in my life, but in a few hours that life will have been washed away.
Since this is a blog that I have created as a widow and for widows and widowers you might ask how this has anything to do with the fact that I lost my husband and the despair I was faced with. I will answer with this, it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I am a widow. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that my life was rocked in ways unimaginable.
When my husband passed away I felt alone in more ways than I can describe. I was so angry with God asking him how he could do this to our son, to me, to his mother and father, to his sisters, and to his wonderful friends. How he could take such an important person from my life and leave me to pick up the pieces alone. I cursed God and I questioned his powers. I was done with him and I could do without.
Man, did God prove me wrong. Even though I didn't see it at the time, he helped me pick up the pieces. He did it silently, but his presence was strong. He kept me safe from more despair knowing that I had met my limits. He prepped me before my husbands death and held me after. I didn't see him beside me because I didn't want to know him at that time.
I had a good friend whose faith was strong but never pushed it on me. However she did always tell me this. "It is okay to be angry with God. He expects it, if he didn't, he would have never created the emotion. He can handle whatever you throw at him. No matter what, he will be there. He is with you now, and will be there for you when you are ready." She said this to me on many occasions, especially when I asked her how she could have so much faith after God had taken her husband and the father of her daughter and her unborn son.
Now, almost three years later, I still don't understand why God had to take my dear husband from me and our son. However, I can see how he was there for me. Keeping me from buying a house that in a few months flooded from a hurricane, how he told me to go back to school before my husband passed, how he gave me hope through my son's eyes.
Now I can see him and all his glory. I didn't see it then, but now I see how beautiful his mercy is.
Today is the day that I get baptized.
It is the day that I will walk into the waters with sin, a broken heart, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, and hate. I will walk into the waters with all of my mistakes and with all of my achievements. I will walk in knowing that when I walk out I will be changed.
Today is the day that I will have the chance to show the world the commitment that I have made on the inside. I will rise out of the waters with strength, courage, love, cleansed of my hate and selfishness, envy and jealousy. I will have asked for forgiveness of all of my mistakes. I will walk out wiser, learning from my failures and continuing on with my achievements.
Today I know all the wrongs I have made in my life, but in a few hours that life will have been washed away.
Since this is a blog that I have created as a widow and for widows and widowers you might ask how this has anything to do with the fact that I lost my husband and the despair I was faced with. I will answer with this, it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I am a widow. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that my life was rocked in ways unimaginable.
When my husband passed away I felt alone in more ways than I can describe. I was so angry with God asking him how he could do this to our son, to me, to his mother and father, to his sisters, and to his wonderful friends. How he could take such an important person from my life and leave me to pick up the pieces alone. I cursed God and I questioned his powers. I was done with him and I could do without.
Man, did God prove me wrong. Even though I didn't see it at the time, he helped me pick up the pieces. He did it silently, but his presence was strong. He kept me safe from more despair knowing that I had met my limits. He prepped me before my husbands death and held me after. I didn't see him beside me because I didn't want to know him at that time.
I had a good friend whose faith was strong but never pushed it on me. However she did always tell me this. "It is okay to be angry with God. He expects it, if he didn't, he would have never created the emotion. He can handle whatever you throw at him. No matter what, he will be there. He is with you now, and will be there for you when you are ready." She said this to me on many occasions, especially when I asked her how she could have so much faith after God had taken her husband and the father of her daughter and her unborn son.
Now, almost three years later, I still don't understand why God had to take my dear husband from me and our son. However, I can see how he was there for me. Keeping me from buying a house that in a few months flooded from a hurricane, how he told me to go back to school before my husband passed, how he gave me hope through my son's eyes.
Now I can see him and all his glory. I didn't see it then, but now I see how beautiful his mercy is.
Today is the day that I get baptized.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The day draws near
As the first day of my support group draws nearer, I am faced with a whole lot of fears and feelings. I have been going to training classes for the past three weeks and it has made me realize how much responsibility I have taken on. Don't get me wrong, I am completely up for the challenge and am so excited about everything that has been happening these past 9 months. However, I have so many doubts and fears and I just pray that I am able to support and inspire people the way they need to be.
One good thing I have learned from all of my training an experiences leading up to now is that I am doing something I was called to do. My efforts are not selfish, they are pure. My only want is to give people hope and support. Even if it is only one person, then I have accomplished my goal. Would I LOVE to touch all the widows and widowers out there, of course, but only because I don't want them to feel alone. I have been so blessed to be touched by so many different people for so many different ways that I just want to share and spread the blessings.
One good thing I have learned from all of my training an experiences leading up to now is that I am doing something I was called to do. My efforts are not selfish, they are pure. My only want is to give people hope and support. Even if it is only one person, then I have accomplished my goal. Would I LOVE to touch all the widows and widowers out there, of course, but only because I don't want them to feel alone. I have been so blessed to be touched by so many different people for so many different ways that I just want to share and spread the blessings.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Something About A Widow
There is something about being a widow that changes you from the core forever. Even if you do remarry you still feel as if you still have the title.
The whole experience is life changing, no doubt. The whole world is suddenly thrusted on your shoulders and you struggle to stand. Then one day you realize the load doesn't feel so heavy on your shoulders, although it still weighs on your heart. I am not sure the weight on your heart ever really lightens. Then, everyday life is easier to get through and before you know it, it has almost been three years and you are remarried and your son calls someone else daddy.
Although I am now a Mrs. again, I feel as if I hold two titles and not one. My experiences as a widow have made me so much stronger and so much more self-sufficient. Which at times can be a catalyst for disagreements with my now spouse. "I can do it all by myself, I don't need help. I did it for almost two years just fine." One of my favorite lines. The reality of it is, I don't have to do it all by myself anymore and I have to let go and share the pants in the relationship.
It is so hard though. It is hard to let go of all the choices being yours, and not having to consult anyone. Which is funny because not having someone to help me with decisions was one thing I mostly struggled with when I first lost my husband.
When I think of myself the song, "I am Superwoman" by Alicia Keys comes to mind. That is who I had to be for so long, but now it is time to hang up the cape. Well, maybe I can turn it into a cute dress instead :)
The whole experience is life changing, no doubt. The whole world is suddenly thrusted on your shoulders and you struggle to stand. Then one day you realize the load doesn't feel so heavy on your shoulders, although it still weighs on your heart. I am not sure the weight on your heart ever really lightens. Then, everyday life is easier to get through and before you know it, it has almost been three years and you are remarried and your son calls someone else daddy.
Although I am now a Mrs. again, I feel as if I hold two titles and not one. My experiences as a widow have made me so much stronger and so much more self-sufficient. Which at times can be a catalyst for disagreements with my now spouse. "I can do it all by myself, I don't need help. I did it for almost two years just fine." One of my favorite lines. The reality of it is, I don't have to do it all by myself anymore and I have to let go and share the pants in the relationship.
It is so hard though. It is hard to let go of all the choices being yours, and not having to consult anyone. Which is funny because not having someone to help me with decisions was one thing I mostly struggled with when I first lost my husband.
When I think of myself the song, "I am Superwoman" by Alicia Keys comes to mind. That is who I had to be for so long, but now it is time to hang up the cape. Well, maybe I can turn it into a cute dress instead :)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Dare
I have dared to believe that there is more out there in the world for me. That tragedy wasn't going to be the last page in my book. That my heart would know what true love felt like again. As daring as that might have seemed two, almost three, years ago, today it feels all too possible.
As fantastic as it is that tragedy wasn't my last page, I still feels as if I am in a surreal dream at times. My life is so different than it was or how I thought it was going to be before my husband passed away. I watch videos and look at pictures and that life feels like a distant memory. I can't help but feel sad sometimes to think of it all. My late husband and I had a wonderful life and I may never know why it all had to end.
People to this day tell me how strong I am and that they just don't feel as if they could have risen to the occasion like I did. As proud as I should be, I am not. I feel like it was my duty as a mother to do what I did. I don't feel I ever woke up in the morning because I wanted to, it was more because I had to. I realized that life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but tried my best to make my son feel like it was.
If I am going to be honest, I hated every second of it. I hated waking up and having to get out of bed. I hated putting on my happy face just so everyone would stop feeling so sorry for me. I hated feeling so lonely that I could literally feel my heart tearing to shreds in my chest. Most of all, I hated the fact that my late husband wouldn't get the chance to be a wonderful father to our son longer and that our son would never really know his father. My heart still breaks a little to think of it now.
Today I am struggling with how I felt about my life then and my late husband and how I feel now with my new life and my new husband. I would be lieing to say I never compare the two, especially since the two lives are so very different from each other. I don't compare to judge. I compare to see how much things can change. How you can love two very different people the same. How a father and a man who has become a father can love the same little boy just as much as the other person.
I guess my struggle is that I loved my husband so much and the life we had that I feel guilty for loving my now husband so much and the life that we have. My husband now is so amazing and his struggles in life alone have made him such an amazing friend, lover, and father. We have such a common ground and understanding for each other that is unexplainable.
I dared to dream. Lucky for me all of my dreams are still coming true. They might not be exactly how I pictured them, but they are happening right before my eyes. I have an amazing husband, a son I adore, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence :) As hard as it may be for me to believe sometimes, I am happy again. Happy is good especially after so much hurt.
So I guess what I am saying is, dare to dream. Dare to believe that through the dirt and the rubble lay greener pastures ahead. Because one day you will sit there like I am sitting here right now in amazement that all your dreams and hopes did come true.
Now I just need to learn to let the happiness sit comfortably :)
As fantastic as it is that tragedy wasn't my last page, I still feels as if I am in a surreal dream at times. My life is so different than it was or how I thought it was going to be before my husband passed away. I watch videos and look at pictures and that life feels like a distant memory. I can't help but feel sad sometimes to think of it all. My late husband and I had a wonderful life and I may never know why it all had to end.
People to this day tell me how strong I am and that they just don't feel as if they could have risen to the occasion like I did. As proud as I should be, I am not. I feel like it was my duty as a mother to do what I did. I don't feel I ever woke up in the morning because I wanted to, it was more because I had to. I realized that life wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but tried my best to make my son feel like it was.
If I am going to be honest, I hated every second of it. I hated waking up and having to get out of bed. I hated putting on my happy face just so everyone would stop feeling so sorry for me. I hated feeling so lonely that I could literally feel my heart tearing to shreds in my chest. Most of all, I hated the fact that my late husband wouldn't get the chance to be a wonderful father to our son longer and that our son would never really know his father. My heart still breaks a little to think of it now.
Today I am struggling with how I felt about my life then and my late husband and how I feel now with my new life and my new husband. I would be lieing to say I never compare the two, especially since the two lives are so very different from each other. I don't compare to judge. I compare to see how much things can change. How you can love two very different people the same. How a father and a man who has become a father can love the same little boy just as much as the other person.
I guess my struggle is that I loved my husband so much and the life we had that I feel guilty for loving my now husband so much and the life that we have. My husband now is so amazing and his struggles in life alone have made him such an amazing friend, lover, and father. We have such a common ground and understanding for each other that is unexplainable.
I dared to dream. Lucky for me all of my dreams are still coming true. They might not be exactly how I pictured them, but they are happening right before my eyes. I have an amazing husband, a son I adore, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence :) As hard as it may be for me to believe sometimes, I am happy again. Happy is good especially after so much hurt.
So I guess what I am saying is, dare to dream. Dare to believe that through the dirt and the rubble lay greener pastures ahead. Because one day you will sit there like I am sitting here right now in amazement that all your dreams and hopes did come true.
Now I just need to learn to let the happiness sit comfortably :)
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Father's Day
As I looked at my son this morning I couldn't help but thank God for how he has blessed our lives with my now husband, Brian. These passed 2 and a half years have been hard, especially when I thought of my son not having a father.
When my late husband, Brian, was alive he would talk about all the things he was going to do with him. He couldn't wait to take him fishing for the first time, teach him how to catch a ball, teach him how to play different sports, go on his first camping trip, and take him kayaking in the river. He was so encouraging and was Brandon's biggest fan, well next to me that is. :) He took tons of videos of him and would light up when he would say "da da" or do something for the first time. Brandon and I use to greet him by the door most days when he got home from work and Brian couldn't wait to have him in his arms.
Even though my son got plenty of love and affection from me these past two years, he was missing a very important part in his life. Part of me thinks he knew it, and part of me hoped he didn't.
I was scared at first of doing it all on my own. How on earth can I teach him how to do all of the things his father so badly wanted to teach him? Was I able to take him to do the things that his father dreamed of doing with him? Then I was angry that my son was deprived that experience, besides he was one week away from his first birthday when my husband, his father passed away suddenly. Finally I accepted it all. I figured if it was just me, then I had to rise to the challenge and be both of us wrapped up in one. Granted I had tons of help from family members and friends, but at the end of the day it was just me and my little man.
This year though is different. This year Brandon and I have an amazing man who came into our lives when we least expected it and became an important piece in our family. My now husband, Brian, is Brandon's Daddy. He loves him as if he was his own...and today was his first Father's Day.
I made him breakfast, he opened his gift from Brandon, we went to church, had lunch with friends, and then had a wonderful evening with my sister and her family. It was the way Father's Day should be and I finally have that again. Then that evening my husband and I sat down with Brandon and looked at pictures and videos of my late husband and we talked about how much he loves Brandon and what a great father he was. It truly was a wonderful moment. I am truly blessed to have a man in my life who isn't intimidated by the memory of my late husband and wants my son to know who he was and how much he loved and still loves him.
This Father's Day I celebrate the wonderful father my late husband was and the wonderful father my now husband is. Brandon and I have been blessed with two amazing men. God Bless the both of them.
When my late husband, Brian, was alive he would talk about all the things he was going to do with him. He couldn't wait to take him fishing for the first time, teach him how to catch a ball, teach him how to play different sports, go on his first camping trip, and take him kayaking in the river. He was so encouraging and was Brandon's biggest fan, well next to me that is. :) He took tons of videos of him and would light up when he would say "da da" or do something for the first time. Brandon and I use to greet him by the door most days when he got home from work and Brian couldn't wait to have him in his arms.
Even though my son got plenty of love and affection from me these past two years, he was missing a very important part in his life. Part of me thinks he knew it, and part of me hoped he didn't.
I was scared at first of doing it all on my own. How on earth can I teach him how to do all of the things his father so badly wanted to teach him? Was I able to take him to do the things that his father dreamed of doing with him? Then I was angry that my son was deprived that experience, besides he was one week away from his first birthday when my husband, his father passed away suddenly. Finally I accepted it all. I figured if it was just me, then I had to rise to the challenge and be both of us wrapped up in one. Granted I had tons of help from family members and friends, but at the end of the day it was just me and my little man.
This year though is different. This year Brandon and I have an amazing man who came into our lives when we least expected it and became an important piece in our family. My now husband, Brian, is Brandon's Daddy. He loves him as if he was his own...and today was his first Father's Day.
I made him breakfast, he opened his gift from Brandon, we went to church, had lunch with friends, and then had a wonderful evening with my sister and her family. It was the way Father's Day should be and I finally have that again. Then that evening my husband and I sat down with Brandon and looked at pictures and videos of my late husband and we talked about how much he loves Brandon and what a great father he was. It truly was a wonderful moment. I am truly blessed to have a man in my life who isn't intimidated by the memory of my late husband and wants my son to know who he was and how much he loved and still loves him.
This Father's Day I celebrate the wonderful father my late husband was and the wonderful father my now husband is. Brandon and I have been blessed with two amazing men. God Bless the both of them.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The Wedding Dress
So I have to admit...getting rid of material things has been the hardest thing for me of the moving on process. It took my now husband moving in for me to finally get rid of all of his clothes. Plus, a few nights of sorting through other material things until I was finally left with a memory box and...my wedding dress.
I just recently remarried...two weeks ago to be exact. My photographer/friend had asked me if I wanted to do a trash the dress session with her. I told her that I just could never trash my wedding dress...and then Brian chimed in, "You could do a trash the dress with your old wedding dress."
My heart sunk into my stomach. "No! I can't do that."
Then the long discussion began between the two of us of why I couldn't get rid of my old wedding dress. "It's not like our daughter, if we have one, is ever going to wear it." Brian said.
I guess I thought he would understand, besides, he lost his spouse too. Even though I knew people grieved differently and held on to different things, I guess I just assumed he would agree with me. That was not the case.
A wedding dress to me is a symbol of who I was at that time and how much I loved him. I was so innocent and naive. The world revolved around him. He was all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in one man. I dreamed of one day our daughter wearing it on her wedding day as most girls do I am sure. It was so perfect in every way. Unfortunately, most of those hopes and dreams died right along with him, the world stopped turning, and I knew I would never have a daughter that would wear that dress.
Now I have a new wedding dress that I wore on our special day. New hopes and dreams have been made and the sun sets and rises with a new man. My new wedding dress is reminiscent of the woman I am now. Strong, sophisticated, not so naive, but also delicate and soft.
So why do I have such a hard time letting go? To me, it really is the last thing I have been holding on to that I probably should let go of. Thinking of getting rid of it really solidifies everything that has happened these past two and a half years. You know what, sometimes that is hard to swallow. It is hard to let go of that innocence and beauty.
I know that in no way me letting go of that dress means that I have forgotten about our love and what an amazing father and husband he was. I can still see his smile plain as day and his laugh as if he was still here. By no means does me "trashing the dress" mean I am trashing what we had...besides, women do a "trash the dress" all the time for fun and to wear the dress one last time while their husbands are alive.
Hopefully one day this lump in my throat will be gone when I think of getting rid of it, but for now...
I love my now husband with all of my heart and I never want to make him feel like I haven't let go of my life with my late husband...because I have. I also never want him to feel like no.2 when he is so no. 1 in my life. I guess letting go of that dress should probably be easier for me, especially considering where I am in my life right now, but for some reason it is just hard to think of I guess.
____________________________________________________________________
You know what is weird...after just proof-reading everything I just wrote, I think I might be able to let go. Maybe I just needed to get that all out there. Even though it might be hard, wearing it one last time for a "trash the dress" session might be fun and therapeutic. We will see.
I just recently remarried...two weeks ago to be exact. My photographer/friend had asked me if I wanted to do a trash the dress session with her. I told her that I just could never trash my wedding dress...and then Brian chimed in, "You could do a trash the dress with your old wedding dress."
My heart sunk into my stomach. "No! I can't do that."
Then the long discussion began between the two of us of why I couldn't get rid of my old wedding dress. "It's not like our daughter, if we have one, is ever going to wear it." Brian said.
I guess I thought he would understand, besides, he lost his spouse too. Even though I knew people grieved differently and held on to different things, I guess I just assumed he would agree with me. That was not the case.
A wedding dress to me is a symbol of who I was at that time and how much I loved him. I was so innocent and naive. The world revolved around him. He was all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in one man. I dreamed of one day our daughter wearing it on her wedding day as most girls do I am sure. It was so perfect in every way. Unfortunately, most of those hopes and dreams died right along with him, the world stopped turning, and I knew I would never have a daughter that would wear that dress.
Now I have a new wedding dress that I wore on our special day. New hopes and dreams have been made and the sun sets and rises with a new man. My new wedding dress is reminiscent of the woman I am now. Strong, sophisticated, not so naive, but also delicate and soft.
So why do I have such a hard time letting go? To me, it really is the last thing I have been holding on to that I probably should let go of. Thinking of getting rid of it really solidifies everything that has happened these past two and a half years. You know what, sometimes that is hard to swallow. It is hard to let go of that innocence and beauty.
I know that in no way me letting go of that dress means that I have forgotten about our love and what an amazing father and husband he was. I can still see his smile plain as day and his laugh as if he was still here. By no means does me "trashing the dress" mean I am trashing what we had...besides, women do a "trash the dress" all the time for fun and to wear the dress one last time while their husbands are alive.
Hopefully one day this lump in my throat will be gone when I think of getting rid of it, but for now...
I love my now husband with all of my heart and I never want to make him feel like I haven't let go of my life with my late husband...because I have. I also never want him to feel like no.2 when he is so no. 1 in my life. I guess letting go of that dress should probably be easier for me, especially considering where I am in my life right now, but for some reason it is just hard to think of I guess.
____________________________________________________________________
You know what is weird...after just proof-reading everything I just wrote, I think I might be able to let go. Maybe I just needed to get that all out there. Even though it might be hard, wearing it one last time for a "trash the dress" session might be fun and therapeutic. We will see.
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