Friday night was a special night. It was my fiance's, Brian, wedding anniversary with his late wife, Rachel. They would have been married five years.
Most people make plans for their five years. How many kids they might have, if they want kids, a trip they might take, or a special ritual they might due. The five year mark is a pretty special one. So, for Brian I planned a special evening for him.
Brian and Rachel had a special bottle of wine that they purchased in Napa Valley on vacation one year. This particular bottle of wine matured on the same year as their 5 year wedding anniversary. They planned to go on a special trip back to Jamaica where they had their honeymoon and take the bottle of wine with them to share on the exact day of their anniversary.
So I decided to take Brian out to dinner to Rachel's favorite restaurant, Amici's, and bring the bottle of wine with us. Brian ordered Rachel's favorite dish, which I thought was sweet. While we were talking I realized that nothing but Michael Bubble was playing, which Rachel LOVED him. I made the observation to Brian, and he said, "If the next song is "Home", then I know she is here with us." Believe it or not, the next song that came on was "Home". She was with us and I am so glad she was. I know that to Brian it meant a lot to know she was with him on their special day.
It was such a nice dinner. Brian shared with me some of their hopes and dreams. We talked about some of the things they did and then...we talked about our future. What was great about that evening is that we could share the past with eachother and dream of our future.
So, here is to you Rachel and Brian. You had some amazing and crazy memories that you made together. They will always be remembered along with your love.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Something that annoyed me most
I was just thinking about my first date with my fiance.
One thing that pops into my head every now and again that makes me smile is a conversation we had while walking on the beach.
Background Information: My finace is also a widowers for those of you who didn't know.
We were walking on the beach talking about our lives since our spouses died and then things we remembered fondly about them. It was such a great conversation.
Than I asked Brian, "What is something that just annoyed the crap out of you about her?" Both of us started laughing histerically. He then told me about how she use to wait until he sat down to ask him to get up and get things for her. He said it use to make him so mad.
Then of course the question was back in my court. My husband use to take his socks off at the end of every day while sitting on the couch. Somehow or another the socks ended up pushed under the couch. After a few days of doing this he eventually would ask me where all of his socks were. After a while I knew to look under the couch, but it drived me up the wall.
I laugh about it now about how mad at him I use to get. It is funny how when someone dies you tend to just talk about the things that you loved about them or the great things they did, but we never talk about their flaws. I guess it is just considered bad taste to talk about the dead that way, but it makes me laugh.
There are so many things I loved about my husband, but nothing makes me laugh more than the things that he use to do that bugged me. I even miss those things sometimes :)
One thing that pops into my head every now and again that makes me smile is a conversation we had while walking on the beach.
Background Information: My finace is also a widowers for those of you who didn't know.
We were walking on the beach talking about our lives since our spouses died and then things we remembered fondly about them. It was such a great conversation.
Than I asked Brian, "What is something that just annoyed the crap out of you about her?" Both of us started laughing histerically. He then told me about how she use to wait until he sat down to ask him to get up and get things for her. He said it use to make him so mad.
Then of course the question was back in my court. My husband use to take his socks off at the end of every day while sitting on the couch. Somehow or another the socks ended up pushed under the couch. After a few days of doing this he eventually would ask me where all of his socks were. After a while I knew to look under the couch, but it drived me up the wall.
I laugh about it now about how mad at him I use to get. It is funny how when someone dies you tend to just talk about the things that you loved about them or the great things they did, but we never talk about their flaws. I guess it is just considered bad taste to talk about the dead that way, but it makes me laugh.
There are so many things I loved about my husband, but nothing makes me laugh more than the things that he use to do that bugged me. I even miss those things sometimes :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Day
A little over two years ago on November 21, 2007, the day before Thanksgiving, my husband of two years and the father of our soon to be 1 year old son died suddenly.
I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. I can remember how stressed I was that day. I was hosting my very first Thanksgiving Day dinner, all of Brian's family was in town, I was putting the finishing touches on Brandon's first birthday party that we were having at the house that Saturday, and to top it all off I was going to school full time and had to get a job because money was tight. My plate was full.
However on that morning after Brian got back from his jog we were going to take Brandon to the zoo for the first time. It was a beautiful day.
After Brian got back from his jog we were talking in the bedroom. I was laying on the bed complaining about how stressed I was because I had so much to do and I had to work that night. I was complaining about Brandon's birthday party and how hardly anyone was going to be there since it was the weekend after Thanksgiving and most of our friends were out of town.
I will never forget what Brian said to me when I was done ranting. "Everything is going to be okay Brooke. Don't worry everything will be fine." Those were the last words he spoke to me.
Two seconds later I heard the hangers pull in the closet and a loud bang.
I thought Brian tripped on my shoes and hit is head on the toliet. I thought that since he hit his head so hard he was having a siezure.
When I rolled him over and saw his eyes rolled into the back of his head and him gagging I ran to the phone and dialed 911. I screamed for help but it took forever for his parents to come in the room and it took an eternity for the ambulance to arrive.
I thought he was going to make it, but since they had such a hard time getting him stable I was terrified. I remember sitting on my bed and one of the EMT's talking to me. I grabbed his face, pulled it close to mine and told him, "He is my life, my rock, the father of my son. I can't lose him."
Once we got the the hospital he was announced. I first I threw my stuff at the doctor and yelled at him. Telling him to do more and that he wasn't dead...but he was.
I climbed into the hospital bed with him, wrapped his arms around me, and laid there with my head on his chest. Time stood still. I was waiting for him to wake up. Waiting to feel his chest rise to take a breath. Waiting for him to say something, anything. I told him not to leave me, he had a son that needed his daddy. I didn't want to leave him and I didn't for a long time.
When I left and walked outside I was blinded by the sun. I had forgotten what a beautiful day it was. I guess I expected it to be dark and gloomy or raining atleast. I walked like a zombie to my parent's car and starred off into the sky on the way home wondering what just happened.
I still sometimes feel as if it couldn't of happened, but it did.
I found out three weeks later he died of a massive heart attack. He had a congenital heart disease that we never knew about. So even though he was probably one of the most physically fit men I have ever met, his heart was not.
I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. I can remember how stressed I was that day. I was hosting my very first Thanksgiving Day dinner, all of Brian's family was in town, I was putting the finishing touches on Brandon's first birthday party that we were having at the house that Saturday, and to top it all off I was going to school full time and had to get a job because money was tight. My plate was full.
However on that morning after Brian got back from his jog we were going to take Brandon to the zoo for the first time. It was a beautiful day.
After Brian got back from his jog we were talking in the bedroom. I was laying on the bed complaining about how stressed I was because I had so much to do and I had to work that night. I was complaining about Brandon's birthday party and how hardly anyone was going to be there since it was the weekend after Thanksgiving and most of our friends were out of town.
I will never forget what Brian said to me when I was done ranting. "Everything is going to be okay Brooke. Don't worry everything will be fine." Those were the last words he spoke to me.
Two seconds later I heard the hangers pull in the closet and a loud bang.
I thought Brian tripped on my shoes and hit is head on the toliet. I thought that since he hit his head so hard he was having a siezure.
When I rolled him over and saw his eyes rolled into the back of his head and him gagging I ran to the phone and dialed 911. I screamed for help but it took forever for his parents to come in the room and it took an eternity for the ambulance to arrive.
I thought he was going to make it, but since they had such a hard time getting him stable I was terrified. I remember sitting on my bed and one of the EMT's talking to me. I grabbed his face, pulled it close to mine and told him, "He is my life, my rock, the father of my son. I can't lose him."
Once we got the the hospital he was announced. I first I threw my stuff at the doctor and yelled at him. Telling him to do more and that he wasn't dead...but he was.
I climbed into the hospital bed with him, wrapped his arms around me, and laid there with my head on his chest. Time stood still. I was waiting for him to wake up. Waiting to feel his chest rise to take a breath. Waiting for him to say something, anything. I told him not to leave me, he had a son that needed his daddy. I didn't want to leave him and I didn't for a long time.
When I left and walked outside I was blinded by the sun. I had forgotten what a beautiful day it was. I guess I expected it to be dark and gloomy or raining atleast. I walked like a zombie to my parent's car and starred off into the sky on the way home wondering what just happened.
I still sometimes feel as if it couldn't of happened, but it did.
I found out three weeks later he died of a massive heart attack. He had a congenital heart disease that we never knew about. So even though he was probably one of the most physically fit men I have ever met, his heart was not.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
February 18, 2008 - Questioning
Sometimes I wonder, when does life finally let you settle into a good routine? Will I ever feel like I know where I am going and if where I am is a good place to be?I know life is filled with uncertainties but I pretty much had a good clue on what life was going to be or at least what I thought a year ago. Now I find myself questioning everything. It is driving me insane.
December 18, 2008 - Ring
So I have been telling myself and the guy I am dating that I am going to get my engagement ring cleaned and put it away for safe keeping. It seems though that everytime I go to do it I can't bring myself to do so. Today I picked up and couldnt help myself but put it on. I miss wearing it. It is soooooo beautiful, but not only that it has way too much meaning to me to just put it away. I know it isn't appropriate to be dating someone and still be wearing your ring, but it isn't like we got divorced and it isn't like I dont love Brian anymore. I dont want to hurt Tim's feelings by wearing it, but at the same time...am I hurting Brian's feelings by storing it away? I didn't know putting away a ring would be so hard. But then again I do still have Brian's clothes in the closet, which I haven't brought myself to get rid of either. How Tim puts up with all my baggage I have no idea.
December 14, 2008 - The Crew
So everyone has their crew. The people that you hang out with on a regular basis. I have a crew, well I have two separate ones I guess.
I have the crew which pretty much consists of couples that Brian and I did everything with. Watched football games on Sundays, BBQs, dinner parties, double dates. Pretty much anything you can think of.
Then the crew of my girls. You know the girlfriends that you hang out with every once in a while, go shopping with, gossip with, and you know you are always going to have a blast with them even if it is just a Sex in the City Marathon.
So both of my crews had christmas parties last night. I decided it would be perfect to bring tim with me so everyone can meet him. The first party we went to was the first crew I mentioned. I hate to admit it but it was very uncomfortable, for once in my life I felt like I didnt fit in. I have been feeling like that for a little while now. Since now I dont have Brian with me it is like I am not part of it all anymore. Yes I get invites and they ask me if I need anything, but when it comes down to the feeling I had when Brian was alive it isn't there.
Then the next party was the second crew I mentioned. They welcomed tim with open arms pretty much and we had a blast laughing and talking and people actually were genuily interested in him and us.
I have been thinking a lot about last night today. Especially since I saw one of my friends posted a picture of all of our friends...except me. Looking at it made me realize that maybe I am not really part of the crew anymore. What makes me feel that way even more than anything is the fact that my best friend is part of that crew and she hasn't been very welcoming to me dating...she says she is supportive but actions speek a whole lot louder than words.
It kind of makes you wonder where you really fit in. I know I have changed a lot since Brian has passed but it was all good changes. It made me grow up a lot. Which considering that group is pretty much people in their thirties I would consider that to work to my advantage. But without Brian I dont fit in I dont think, at least that is how I feel.
Maybe it is all in my head, I dont know. Maybe it is just wierd for me so it makes me think it is wierd for them. It just sucks because Tim is really a great guy and he makes me really happy. I know he would get along great with both crews but one seems to be a little more welcoming than the other. Maybe it will just take some time for them to warm up to seeing me with someone else. I know it is probably hard for them but I just hope they can imagine how hard it might be for me.
I have the crew which pretty much consists of couples that Brian and I did everything with. Watched football games on Sundays, BBQs, dinner parties, double dates. Pretty much anything you can think of.
Then the crew of my girls. You know the girlfriends that you hang out with every once in a while, go shopping with, gossip with, and you know you are always going to have a blast with them even if it is just a Sex in the City Marathon.
So both of my crews had christmas parties last night. I decided it would be perfect to bring tim with me so everyone can meet him. The first party we went to was the first crew I mentioned. I hate to admit it but it was very uncomfortable, for once in my life I felt like I didnt fit in. I have been feeling like that for a little while now. Since now I dont have Brian with me it is like I am not part of it all anymore. Yes I get invites and they ask me if I need anything, but when it comes down to the feeling I had when Brian was alive it isn't there.
Then the next party was the second crew I mentioned. They welcomed tim with open arms pretty much and we had a blast laughing and talking and people actually were genuily interested in him and us.
I have been thinking a lot about last night today. Especially since I saw one of my friends posted a picture of all of our friends...except me. Looking at it made me realize that maybe I am not really part of the crew anymore. What makes me feel that way even more than anything is the fact that my best friend is part of that crew and she hasn't been very welcoming to me dating...she says she is supportive but actions speek a whole lot louder than words.
It kind of makes you wonder where you really fit in. I know I have changed a lot since Brian has passed but it was all good changes. It made me grow up a lot. Which considering that group is pretty much people in their thirties I would consider that to work to my advantage. But without Brian I dont fit in I dont think, at least that is how I feel.
Maybe it is all in my head, I dont know. Maybe it is just wierd for me so it makes me think it is wierd for them. It just sucks because Tim is really a great guy and he makes me really happy. I know he would get along great with both crews but one seems to be a little more welcoming than the other. Maybe it will just take some time for them to warm up to seeing me with someone else. I know it is probably hard for them but I just hope they can imagine how hard it might be for me.
November 24, 2008 - Interest
So I can barely believe it myself but I have found someone of interest. I thought at first that the timing was off and I didn't need or want anything right now, especially with the anniversary of my husbands death and the holidays. But I am starting to think that maybe the timing is perfect, this being exactly what i needed right now. We met up for dinner about three weeks ago and the more we talk the more I find myself thinking he has true potential. He has experienced some simular events in his life so we can relate on a different level than I probably could anyone else. It is nice to feel this way, hopeful. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. The great thing is he totally understands my situation and I can talk freely about Brian. We have been very open and honest with each other laying all the cards on the table which is very refreshing. No games, which is exactly what I wanted. So, I guess I can say I am excited to see what is to come.
November 22, 2008 - Happy New Year
I can safely say that pretty much all of the world celebrates New Years on January 1st, but today I am celebrating my New Year. One year has passed since Brian was taken from this world and I can honestly say that I am relieved that it is over. I have been through so much this past year...lawyers, financial advisors, intersil hr, health insurance, the estate, learning more than I would ever want to know about the process of handling life after someone passes. I have had my fair share of really bad days and uplifting days. Luckily I was surrounded by my family who is the most supportive and loving family anyone can ask for and friends who truely know what it is to be a friend, hold me up and sometimes carrying me when I needed to be.
Now that all of that is said and done I have had the chance to reflect on my life as a whole, who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.
I realized that before Brian passed I was weak, I depended on him for almost everything...he was my rock. Every decision I made I passed by him since I was 18. I didnt appreciate the things I had in my life as much as I should have and took them for granted. I was nieve and at times childish.
Now I am much stronger. I am independant but not prideful. I know when to say when and when to push through. I know what I want in life and what I need to do to achieve it. I am a more patient mother. And most importantly I dont sweat the small stuff.
I have also realized that it is okay to be happy and move forward with my life. Not to forget what I went through this past year, what I didnt like about myself before Brian passed, and most importantly never ever forget Brian and the great love that we shared. I know I atleast deserve what we had in my next partner if not more.
Lastly I have forgiven God for taking Brian from me. My faith is something that I struggled with for a very long time after he took Brian from me. Now I am looking forward and realizing that God has given me the tools I needed to get through the hard times and has blessed me with a few unexpected events. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Why he needed Brian so soon, I dont know? But I do know that he couldnt have picked a better angel. He has also put people in my life that I needed more than I would have ever thought, and when I was in need of a sign he gave it to me. And he also gave me Brian although it was short lived, he loved me more than I ever thought possible by someone.
Now that all of that is said and done I have had the chance to reflect on my life as a whole, who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.
I realized that before Brian passed I was weak, I depended on him for almost everything...he was my rock. Every decision I made I passed by him since I was 18. I didnt appreciate the things I had in my life as much as I should have and took them for granted. I was nieve and at times childish.
Now I am much stronger. I am independant but not prideful. I know when to say when and when to push through. I know what I want in life and what I need to do to achieve it. I am a more patient mother. And most importantly I dont sweat the small stuff.
I have also realized that it is okay to be happy and move forward with my life. Not to forget what I went through this past year, what I didnt like about myself before Brian passed, and most importantly never ever forget Brian and the great love that we shared. I know I atleast deserve what we had in my next partner if not more.
Lastly I have forgiven God for taking Brian from me. My faith is something that I struggled with for a very long time after he took Brian from me. Now I am looking forward and realizing that God has given me the tools I needed to get through the hard times and has blessed me with a few unexpected events. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Why he needed Brian so soon, I dont know? But I do know that he couldnt have picked a better angel. He has also put people in my life that I needed more than I would have ever thought, and when I was in need of a sign he gave it to me. And he also gave me Brian although it was short lived, he loved me more than I ever thought possible by someone.
November 19, 2008 - Turn of Events
So in and interesting turn of events this month has turned out to be not so bad for me. Friday is the year anniversary and I dont feel anxious at all about it as I thought I would. I will be taking Brandon to the zoo for the first time since that is what we were getting ready to do on the day Brian passed. I thought it would be a good way to remember him and celebrate him. Some people think Im crazy because it will be hard, but i am starting to think I will be okay. It has been a year. On the 21st of every month I took it hard...but as each month went by it seemed to get easier. Dont get me wrong the 21st is still a hard day for me to cope with but I think I will be okay. I mean if I could get through this past year I can get through one day. I am just hoping I can keep this optomistic view through the rest of the holidays. I have had a few momentary flashbacks but nothing too tragic so I think I am doing good. I dont know I guess we will see :) But my head is being held high with a smile.
November 11, 2008 - Time
So...I think it is time. It is time to embrace life and stop holding back. This past year has been crazy and I have learned so much from it all. I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be and life is way too short to bitch about the small stuff. I have been shown recently that I have more to live for and more to give. Just because my husband died doesnt mean my life has too end as well. My life with him however I need to let go of, I will always cherish him, our life & time together, and his memory, but it is time for me to start making new memories. I deserve to be happy and Brian always told me that. SO instead of dreading the days ahead I am going to embrace them and cherish them. Will I have some hard days, sure, but I will get through them. I will wake up in the morning with a smile on my face again. Hey...it could be a lot worse. I just hope that I never take anything for granted ever again, it all could be gone in a blink of an eye.
November 10. 2008 - Dinner
SO I went out to dinner with an old friend Friday night. I went to dinner with him understanding that I am not dating at this particular moment so I was able to go and have a nice friendly dinner with no first date jitters. It was great, we went to haru my favorite resturant, had wine and talked for a long time. i think it was my longest dinner in ages, time wise. I think it finally ended close to 11 pm. The thing that gets me is I love Brian so much, so how could i go out to dinner with another man and enjoy myself so much. I know there is a possible interest there and we did talk about it, but I am still on the same ground that I don't want anything at this particular moment. But it was still nice. And I even found myself thinking...is this a date? Even though we said it wasn't, I enjoyed myself so much that it felt like one. How is it that you can miss and love someone so much and still enjoy the company of another man? Maybe I am closer to wanting to date than i thought. But with it being November and it being our anniversary and his death anniversary is this right? Why do I feel like what I am doing is completely wrong or disrespectful? I feel so guilty sometimes. I am told that there is nothing wrong with what I am doing. I guess I still feel that way because I was married and still feel as if I am at times. I guess it will always be hard because he left with me loving him completely. We were in a good place. It isn't like divorce when you fall out of love with someone and it is easier to move on. I didn't have my closure and sometimes I feel like I never will.
November 6, 2008 - P.S. I Love You
So it is getting close to the end of the day. Although I am exhausted I feel another sleepless night is ahead of me. Last night, well really it was early this morning, I just laid there thinking of it all. The first time we met, our first fight, how he use to make me laugh, oh and that smirk he use to give me from across the room when we were in a crowd of people to let me know i was on his mind. Then those thoughts went to our wedding day and how amazingly happy he looked while i walked down the aisle.
I never thought i would finally have something like that. I wanted it so badly but never felt it would really happen. It did. I had something some people may never have in there life. I had a man who truely loved me with every fiber of his being. He fought for me and believed in me even when I didn't. He not only made me feel beautiful from the inside out but made me believe it too.
The irony of it all is I use to make him promise he would never leave me all the time, even after we were married, up until a few days before he was taken from me. I was finally happy and I was so afraid that it was going to be taken away from me. He told me he would never leave me and that he would always be here loving me. Crazy huh. What is even crazier is that a few months before he passed I had this horrible nagging feeling inside my gut that something horrible was going to happen. I would cry histerically (sp) about how I was so scared that something was going to happen. Now I cry because something horrible did happen. Man what I would give for that feeling that I had to of been wrong.
So, Brian, Happy Anniversary. I am who I am because of you. You have made me stronger in ways that I could never explain. You have taught me more about life and myself than I probably would have learned in a lifetime. You made my heart feel whole and gave me a real purpose in life. I am better because you loved me. I just hope that you dont have any regrets about anything and I hope to God that you felt loved beyond compare, because you were, are, and always will be.
I never thought i would finally have something like that. I wanted it so badly but never felt it would really happen. It did. I had something some people may never have in there life. I had a man who truely loved me with every fiber of his being. He fought for me and believed in me even when I didn't. He not only made me feel beautiful from the inside out but made me believe it too.
The irony of it all is I use to make him promise he would never leave me all the time, even after we were married, up until a few days before he was taken from me. I was finally happy and I was so afraid that it was going to be taken away from me. He told me he would never leave me and that he would always be here loving me. Crazy huh. What is even crazier is that a few months before he passed I had this horrible nagging feeling inside my gut that something horrible was going to happen. I would cry histerically (sp) about how I was so scared that something was going to happen. Now I cry because something horrible did happen. Man what I would give for that feeling that I had to of been wrong.
So, Brian, Happy Anniversary. I am who I am because of you. You have made me stronger in ways that I could never explain. You have taught me more about life and myself than I probably would have learned in a lifetime. You made my heart feel whole and gave me a real purpose in life. I am better because you loved me. I just hope that you dont have any regrets about anything and I hope to God that you felt loved beyond compare, because you were, are, and always will be.
November 5, 2008 - Wedding Anniversary
So, it is officially what was suppose to be our 3rd anniversary. We had planned a ski trip for this week in Canada and we were going to start trying for our second child. Instead, I am here in Melbourne not able to sleep and wondering what the future has in store for me.
Call me selfish but...a friend of mine called me a little bit ago upset about the results of the election saying the country is deprived of any morals and that they are stupid. Me, I couldn't stop to wonder wow, it must be nice to be so concerned so much about who is our next president. Yes I voted and yes I cared about who won, but at the end of the day who is president doesnt change where I am and who I am. I don't think the country is stupid and I dont think they are deprived of morals. All I can really think of is I was robbed of my happily ever after. Yes I am sure who is president will affect me in some way financially...but will it affect me emotionally, will that president help me get through what is going on inside of me...can they fix my broken heart...can they bring back my husband...my sons father. NO. I wish I could be so upset and emotionally torn apart about who the President is. Things happen for a reason, atleast that is what everyone has been telling me this past year, so maybe Obama being president happened for a reason. Maybe if people believed what they preached to me for the past year then they wouldnt be so upset about politics.
I am not trying to say that politics isn't important, it affects a lot of people...but when it comes down to it, can it affect our souls, our hearts? Can it change who we are as people? No, and if it can, then you weren't who you really are in the first place.
What sucks even more...this friend, down played my anniversary and said it was just another day. What an ass. Where was my friend's morals at that moment, a wedding anniversary is a very significant day, it is a day that a man and woman committed their life to eachother, a commitment we held dear to our hearts. Well you know what, Obama is just another President and we will have many many more.
Call me selfish but...a friend of mine called me a little bit ago upset about the results of the election saying the country is deprived of any morals and that they are stupid. Me, I couldn't stop to wonder wow, it must be nice to be so concerned so much about who is our next president. Yes I voted and yes I cared about who won, but at the end of the day who is president doesnt change where I am and who I am. I don't think the country is stupid and I dont think they are deprived of morals. All I can really think of is I was robbed of my happily ever after. Yes I am sure who is president will affect me in some way financially...but will it affect me emotionally, will that president help me get through what is going on inside of me...can they fix my broken heart...can they bring back my husband...my sons father. NO. I wish I could be so upset and emotionally torn apart about who the President is. Things happen for a reason, atleast that is what everyone has been telling me this past year, so maybe Obama being president happened for a reason. Maybe if people believed what they preached to me for the past year then they wouldnt be so upset about politics.
I am not trying to say that politics isn't important, it affects a lot of people...but when it comes down to it, can it affect our souls, our hearts? Can it change who we are as people? No, and if it can, then you weren't who you really are in the first place.
What sucks even more...this friend, down played my anniversary and said it was just another day. What an ass. Where was my friend's morals at that moment, a wedding anniversary is a very significant day, it is a day that a man and woman committed their life to eachother, a commitment we held dear to our hearts. Well you know what, Obama is just another President and we will have many many more.
November 4, 2008 - November
So it is November. The month I have been dreading all year. I feel like i am sufficating sometimes. All I can think about is he is not here. I am alone, all alone. Our anniversary is Wednesday. We had planned on going on a ski trip since I have never been skiing and we were also going to start trying to have another baby. Man how things have changed. Now i dont even know if i will ever have another child. I dont even know if I even want another one. If, and I mean if, I ever feel for someone what I felt and still feel for Brian, I dont know if I want to take the chance of having another child and them dieing on me and once again I am left raising a child with no father. I know that sounds terrible morbid and negative, but hopefully my negativity will change. The wierd thing is, I was just starting to get use to being alone and doing things on my own. Then all of a sudden out of the blue I was hit with this terrible feeling of being hopelesly lonely and lost once again. God I can't wait till this month is over. Hopefully I will be so busy with work I wont have too much time to think about it.
September 27, 2008 - Relapse
So I thought I was doing really good and then all of a sudden I keep on having these dreams about Brian. Along with it this very disturbing feeling that something horrible is about to happen has come over me. I had this same feeling for about 2 months before Brian passed, it was like i knew something tragic was going to happen but I didnt know what. So now that I am having that feeling again I am in a panic. Is it because this was the time last year that I started having this feeling? Is it because of the fast approaching anniversary of his death coming up? I dont know, it is just very unnerving.
These dreams are upsetting too. They all have Brian somehow coming back to life with me knowing how to save him and then in the end I couldn't save him and he dies all over again. In between the whole him being alive and then dieing, he is upset that I have moved his clothes out of our closet. He is always confused on why I felt the need to move things or get rid of things.
I thought all of this was over with, I thought that I could start moving on with my life. Why have all the nice dreams of Brian and me talking and holding eachother ended and all the upsetting dreams of Brian started again?
With these dreams and the feeling I have that something is going to go wrong, I have started the whole crying myself to sleep everynight and waking up in a bed full of tissues again. I dont want to go back there, it is too dark of a place to be. Please God heal me from this pain. I cant take it anymore!
These dreams are upsetting too. They all have Brian somehow coming back to life with me knowing how to save him and then in the end I couldn't save him and he dies all over again. In between the whole him being alive and then dieing, he is upset that I have moved his clothes out of our closet. He is always confused on why I felt the need to move things or get rid of things.
I thought all of this was over with, I thought that I could start moving on with my life. Why have all the nice dreams of Brian and me talking and holding eachother ended and all the upsetting dreams of Brian started again?
With these dreams and the feeling I have that something is going to go wrong, I have started the whole crying myself to sleep everynight and waking up in a bed full of tissues again. I dont want to go back there, it is too dark of a place to be. Please God heal me from this pain. I cant take it anymore!
September 11, 2008
Okay...so after many opinions on my blog "Get out there!" and thinking about the situation today I have come to a conclusion. I am just going to be. I will live my life, love my son, work, and hang with good friends. If the opportunity presents itself well we will go from there. Everyone is right, don't stress and analyze everything. I need to stop worrying about life so much. I have had some crazy things happen to me that took all control away from me and my life. I need to learn from that, we have no control unltimately what happens. We can make choices that will lead us in different paths yes, but what is suppose to happen will happen.
So, I am going to breath and not think about it. Done and done.
So, I am going to breath and not think about it. Done and done.
September 10, 2008 - Clarify
Okay...i feel the need to clarify last nights blog...Im not ready to start the whole relationship thing, too much work and I still need to heal some more. What I do want is to hang out with someone, be friends, talk. I miss talking with someone of the opposite sex sometimes. Brian and I use to have some great conversations about politics, sports, work, and life.
Some of my friends feel I need to get out there and meet people. I prefer to meet people through friends, not at a bar. That way there is no pressure and they usually already know my story to I don't have to explain. Also it is casual, no one is expecting anything. Because I am not ready to give anything except for good company and that is it. My heart isn't ready for the game.
Some of my friends feel I need to get out there and meet people. I prefer to meet people through friends, not at a bar. That way there is no pressure and they usually already know my story to I don't have to explain. Also it is casual, no one is expecting anything. Because I am not ready to give anything except for good company and that is it. My heart isn't ready for the game.
September 9, 2008 - Get out there!
Okay so I want to know...what does get out there really mean? Because the last time I was out there I was a senior in high school...that is when I met my husband. Back then I met people in class and well Im not a teenager in school anymore. Does it mean go out to a bar and wait for someone to maybe come and talk to you and then do the whole exchanging of the numbers and waiting...Sorry but it never was for me. I always did the become friends hang out and then date thing. I can't stand games and that is all it seems like to me these days. Sounds nausiating.
Besides I have baggage. I have a husband that passed away that will always be the love of my life and will always be a part of me and my son. I don't know of many men who can hande that. I still miss my husband and from what my friend stephanie has told me, i always will. So is there such a thing as a guy who is totally okay with the fact that I am in love with another man and always will be? I have a hard time thinking there is.
I need honesty. No games. I need someone to talk to. I am not ready for the whole dating thing...but is there anything wrong with wanting to go out with someone of the opposite sex that is attractive and have a decent conversation with them? I want to feel free to talk about my husband and my son without having to worry about hurting anyones feelings. I don't have the time nor the energy to go out all the time but I do miss a companion sometimes.
Funny how you can love and miss someone so much but feel the need sometimes to move on...and as my friends would say, get out there. But am I ready?
Besides I have baggage. I have a husband that passed away that will always be the love of my life and will always be a part of me and my son. I don't know of many men who can hande that. I still miss my husband and from what my friend stephanie has told me, i always will. So is there such a thing as a guy who is totally okay with the fact that I am in love with another man and always will be? I have a hard time thinking there is.
I need honesty. No games. I need someone to talk to. I am not ready for the whole dating thing...but is there anything wrong with wanting to go out with someone of the opposite sex that is attractive and have a decent conversation with them? I want to feel free to talk about my husband and my son without having to worry about hurting anyones feelings. I don't have the time nor the energy to go out all the time but I do miss a companion sometimes.
Funny how you can love and miss someone so much but feel the need sometimes to move on...and as my friends would say, get out there. But am I ready?
September 3, 2008 - Clouds
Do you remember when you were a kid and you thought the clouds were the heavens? Well I thought that when I was a youngster. I use to want to fly up and see certain people even dogs that passed away while I was growing up. I was thinking about that when I was flying home today. The clouds looked so heavenly, white, puffy, with the sun shining in just right to make them look like they glowed. I thought about how nice it would be if that were true. God what I wouldn't have paid for it to be. For a moment I even found myself searching for Brian. He wasn't there.
Loosing someone is probably the hardest thing someone can go through whether it be final, like death, or just loosing them through choices we make. The finality of death is what I think makes it worse. No matter how much you plea, how many times you call their cell phone, how many times you walk into a familiar place...they wont be there. You can absolutely never in your lifetime see, talk to, or touch them again.
Brian use to go on business trips all the time and we even did the whole long distance thing for a year and a half. I remember aching to see him again or even to get a phone call from him. I don't remember it hurting this bad. Maybe it is because then I knew we would have the reunion. You know where you see someone you haven't seen in a while and you literally leap within yourself with joy and can't wait till you can wrap your arms around them and kiss them as if it was your first time. I guess I will get my reunion...but I will have to wait many years upon years for that.
Oh, if only the clouds were really the heavens.
Loosing someone is probably the hardest thing someone can go through whether it be final, like death, or just loosing them through choices we make. The finality of death is what I think makes it worse. No matter how much you plea, how many times you call their cell phone, how many times you walk into a familiar place...they wont be there. You can absolutely never in your lifetime see, talk to, or touch them again.
Brian use to go on business trips all the time and we even did the whole long distance thing for a year and a half. I remember aching to see him again or even to get a phone call from him. I don't remember it hurting this bad. Maybe it is because then I knew we would have the reunion. You know where you see someone you haven't seen in a while and you literally leap within yourself with joy and can't wait till you can wrap your arms around them and kiss them as if it was your first time. I guess I will get my reunion...but I will have to wait many years upon years for that.
Oh, if only the clouds were really the heavens.
August 25, 2008 - Routine
Okay so I think finally after 9 months of craziness I got a routine down. Now that I don't have school all day and then afterwards have to meet with my lawyer or financial advisor I have time.
So to those of you who don't have the family life this may sound boring to you but it sounds perfect to me since I haven't had normal in 9 months. We wake up...well usually it is me waking up to Brandon jumping on top of me saying "MiMi!". I make him breakfast and myself coffee. While I get ready he plays in his room. I drop him off at daycare...When I pick him up we play, sometimes go to my mom's house, or meet her for a starbucks at the mall. Then at 5:30/6:00 we eat dinner, have some fruit, and then clean up of course because you know a 21 month old is not the cleanist eater. After that we, including bosco, go on a walk. On out walk we sit at the benches by the river. They actually are right across from Ballard park. Today we watch some dolphin play and the boats come in. After we get home bath time! Then it is an episode of Pooh and then off to bed.
I think I finally have it down. Whew! After B goes to bed it is finally some mommy time. :) I am sure this will change a bit once I get my license but for now it is perfect :)
So to those of you who don't have the family life this may sound boring to you but it sounds perfect to me since I haven't had normal in 9 months. We wake up...well usually it is me waking up to Brandon jumping on top of me saying "MiMi!". I make him breakfast and myself coffee. While I get ready he plays in his room. I drop him off at daycare...When I pick him up we play, sometimes go to my mom's house, or meet her for a starbucks at the mall. Then at 5:30/6:00 we eat dinner, have some fruit, and then clean up of course because you know a 21 month old is not the cleanist eater. After that we, including bosco, go on a walk. On out walk we sit at the benches by the river. They actually are right across from Ballard park. Today we watch some dolphin play and the boats come in. After we get home bath time! Then it is an episode of Pooh and then off to bed.
I think I finally have it down. Whew! After B goes to bed it is finally some mommy time. :) I am sure this will change a bit once I get my license but for now it is perfect :)
August 23, 2008 - Wow
That was intense yesterday...wow. I guess I had some stuff on my mind :) I just hope that one day someone can be okay with me and my sistuation. Brian will always hold a piece of my heart and I will always love him. So because of that I cant imagine someone being okay with me still loving brian. I have been told not to put him on a pedestal, but we were happy so that will be a little hard. Its funny how you see yourself with one person for the rest of your life, and then all of a sudden it was really for the rest of their life. I want to be happy again. I loved being married, it suited me. I loved having someone you could lay down next every night and wake up to every morning. Someone who knew everything about me and that was okay. I had no insecurities with him and now I am faced with a whole bunch of insecurities. I am told that I am young and not to rule out anything. Im not, it is just hard to imagine that I would be lucky enough to love twice and be loved twice. Do I have to be single again? I dont even remember what that is like.
August 22, 2008 - 9 months
I was sitting on my deck listenting to the wind blowing through the trees and the sounds of rope and metal clanging on the masts of the sailboats, and I was at peace. It is amazing how life can just seem to stand still, how all your worries, problems seem to disappear. No phones ringing, your sons not pulling at your leg, no one asking how you are. Just my glass of wine and the breeze on my face. Just me. I have had a lot of time to think about life lately, how nothing is ever as it seems, how fragile it is, and how fast time passes us by.
Its been exactly 9 months since Brian has passed. I still at times can't believe I was able to pull myself away from him on that dreadful day at the hospital let alone survive life afterwards. I think of that day and it plays out like a movie or a dream. The raw pain I felt I can still feel, the sounds of the ambulance as I sat in the front seat telling myself it was all going to be okay when we got to the hospitals, the doctor would be able to get him to come back to me, I can hear it plain as day. I wrapped my arms around his body for hours but it felt like minutes waiting for him to put his arms around me and kiss my forehead like he did many times. Then the questions and paperwork, I just wanted to lay there.
I can still picture the funeral. It wasn't him...he wasn't there. It was amazing to me how different a person looks when their soul has left them. He didnt have the same spirit, the same smirk. He looked so cold. All the people, so many of them. Half of them I didn't remember or know. I tried to be brave but I had my weak moments clinging to his casket sobbing.
Now Im here. Finished with school beginging to start a new chapter in my life and I feel like he carried me here even though he wasn't truely here with me. I feel he would be happy with how Ive handled myself and our son. I feel at peace knowing he will always be here with us, watching over us. I also feel that he will make sure I have happiness again someday.
I can still feel his arms around me.
Its been exactly 9 months since Brian has passed. I still at times can't believe I was able to pull myself away from him on that dreadful day at the hospital let alone survive life afterwards. I think of that day and it plays out like a movie or a dream. The raw pain I felt I can still feel, the sounds of the ambulance as I sat in the front seat telling myself it was all going to be okay when we got to the hospitals, the doctor would be able to get him to come back to me, I can hear it plain as day. I wrapped my arms around his body for hours but it felt like minutes waiting for him to put his arms around me and kiss my forehead like he did many times. Then the questions and paperwork, I just wanted to lay there.
I can still picture the funeral. It wasn't him...he wasn't there. It was amazing to me how different a person looks when their soul has left them. He didnt have the same spirit, the same smirk. He looked so cold. All the people, so many of them. Half of them I didn't remember or know. I tried to be brave but I had my weak moments clinging to his casket sobbing.
Now Im here. Finished with school beginging to start a new chapter in my life and I feel like he carried me here even though he wasn't truely here with me. I feel he would be happy with how Ive handled myself and our son. I feel at peace knowing he will always be here with us, watching over us. I also feel that he will make sure I have happiness again someday.
I can still feel his arms around me.
August 17, 2008 - Things aren't so bad after all
I am starting to find out that the things that you are most scared of always turn out not to be so scary after all. I lived in a life of routine most of my life with little change and anything new I experianced was never on my own since I was 18. So now that I have been going through a lot of change and everythign is pretty much a new experiance as much as I would love to share those experiances with Brian its not so bad doing it on your own. I think he would be proud of me. He always wanted me to feel like I could stand on my own...well I guess I am. Now if I could just build up my confidence a little more I will be set :)
July 22, 2008 - Grateful for the gifts in my life (My Birthday)
My birthday was Sunday. My feelings about it was that I didnt want to celebrate it. I didnt want to celebrate because I didnt feel like I should. My husband isnt here so what was there to celebrate. My friends and family however felt differently. They said they were grateful I was here in their lives and they wanted to celebrate that. So we went out for dinner and then off to Mainstreet on Saturday. On Sunday morning I woke up with Bosco (my dog) curled up next to me and I realized I had a lot to celebrate. I had so many wonderful friends who have been there for me through the good, bad, and terrible. God has given me the gift of great friends. I have been so blessed in my life with my son as well who is the joy of my life and a family who is amazing. Thank you God for all the wonderful gifts in my life.
July 10, 2008 - Trying to look at the positives
Okay....after torturing myself all weekend and being sad and lonely, I have decided to try to turn a new leaf and be positive. I sold the house, yes it is hard to let go and it is the last big thing that I am letting go that Brian and I had together, but I don't have to pay that mortgage anymore and it is the final step I need to take in order to try to move on with my life. I will always remeber all the memories we made in that house as well as all the other memories we made together. That can't be taken away or sold and those are the most important. Yes, he is still the love of my life and always will be. So with that, I am going to try to be positive. I am finishing school soon, I have a job at a great salon, my son is a wonderful little boy, I have a fantastic family that is by my side, and awesome friends. I am grateful for everything I have.
July 7, 2008 - Sold the house
So probably the hardest thing I had to do was sell my house, and I just sold it this weekend. It brought on a lot of emotions and I almost feel like I am letting go of Brian again. It feels like he just died in my arms all over again. We built our lives, marriage, family, and dreams in that house and now by the end of the month it will no longer be ours. It is amazing how something like selling a house and bring it all back again and in a way more intensly. I miss that life that we had in that house. We had a good life, and it is gone.
June 28, 2008 - Good Saturday
I stayed at my parents house last night because I was tired of being alone. I am glad I did. It was so nice waking up with my son and having someone to talk to and be lazy with. I find that I miss Brian the most during the quiet hours (morning and night). Since I have been being pretty alone lately spending the night was the perfect thing to do.
Later on in the morning my sister, Michelle, showed up with her 2 year old and 5 week old. We all played in the pool and taught Brandon and Alyssa how to jump to me into the pool. They were so excited after doing so. Simple pleasures :)
So far it has been a good Saturday, and a much needed one as that. I hope everyone is having an easy going, simple pleasures kind of good Saturday as well.
Later on in the morning my sister, Michelle, showed up with her 2 year old and 5 week old. We all played in the pool and taught Brandon and Alyssa how to jump to me into the pool. They were so excited after doing so. Simple pleasures :)
So far it has been a good Saturday, and a much needed one as that. I hope everyone is having an easy going, simple pleasures kind of good Saturday as well.
June 20, 2008 - Tell me everything is going to be okay
I just put my son to bed a little bit ago. After he fell asleep I sat there and looked on his book shelf where Brian sits. I couldn't help but wonder how I got here, how my life came to be what it is. In one split moment my whole life was taken away from me and my son was left without his father who loved him dearly. I can't helped but be scared. Scared of the other ball dropping or what the future will bring. What will I say when Brandon asks me why he doesn't have a daddy. I am scared I won't be good enough as a parent and that somehow I will go wrong. I no longer have my rock and I feel like I am so lost. Brian always told me everything was going to be okay, in fact those were his last words to me. But today I am having a hard time believing that everything IS going to be okay.
Lord please give me strength
Lord please give me strength
June 17, 2008 - First Time (Father's Day)
So this is my first blog....not sure how all of this works but here it goes.
Where do I begin...hmmm. Well I am so glad Father's Day is done with. I have been dreading it and I was suppose to go over to my parents for this family BBQ with everyone there. I wasn't really looking forward to it since everyone hounds me about how I am doing. But instead I was home with little B (Brandon) who had a fever and thses wierd red bumps all over his body. Poor thing. He still isn't feeling well today so to the doctor we go tomorrow. I want my poor baby to feel better.
Today it was back to school which I can't wait until it is over. I did bleach out one of the girls hair in class using this new product I bought, Blonde Icing by Redken. Her hair turned out awesome! A big pat on my back for me. Then it was off to work until 8.
That is the way my Mondays and Tuesdays go pretty much. I hardly get to see my little one and it kills me, but it is only 6 more weeks of hell and then I will be able to spend more time with B. I cant wait.
Okay...off to bed. Long day again tomorrow.
Where do I begin...hmmm. Well I am so glad Father's Day is done with. I have been dreading it and I was suppose to go over to my parents for this family BBQ with everyone there. I wasn't really looking forward to it since everyone hounds me about how I am doing. But instead I was home with little B (Brandon) who had a fever and thses wierd red bumps all over his body. Poor thing. He still isn't feeling well today so to the doctor we go tomorrow. I want my poor baby to feel better.
Today it was back to school which I can't wait until it is over. I did bleach out one of the girls hair in class using this new product I bought, Blonde Icing by Redken. Her hair turned out awesome! A big pat on my back for me. Then it was off to work until 8.
That is the way my Mondays and Tuesdays go pretty much. I hardly get to see my little one and it kills me, but it is only 6 more weeks of hell and then I will be able to spend more time with B. I cant wait.
Okay...off to bed. Long day again tomorrow.
First Blog
I use to blog on MySpace about a year after my husband passed away. I needed an outlet, and at the time, it was pretty much all I had. So the next few blogs I am posting will be the dates I blogged. I want all my blogs on one spot.
So here it goes...
So here it goes...
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